June 9, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

I am watching another layer of depression lift off of me. I did not realize how low I sunk and then as I see new growth I marvel. Through the last few years I also marvel at how loving our God is. He has held me so tenderly. The other night, the night before Mother's Day I'd sunk low again. That week before Mother's Day has gotten to be so painful for me.

I connected in a way I had not been able to connect with my son in years and all of sudden Mother's Day is not a dreaded moment. Saturday night though I prayed "Lord if you wanted to take me, I wouldn't mind." The painfullness of life was fairly raw at that point. Were my kids ever going to get how much I loved them, wanted them? Sunday he called and we talked heart to heart and....I felt that he finally got the struggle I had in life. He shared with me his struggles...something he hasn't done. What does a Mom want to do? She wants to hold her child close when life hurts and he let me do that once again.

As I come out of that joyous moment I begin to see again how low I had sunk. I have been coming back and yet still I struggle to do the simplest things. I get frustrated because I can't do what I once did. Some of it is I'm getting older but a whole lot of it is I have struggled to do life in a day to day kind of way.

Junior has been patient with me. He picks up the slack I can't do. He is trying to refurbish this house, the man could use some help and me....I'm a mess trying to do life in a day to day kind of way. He is also tired of hearing about the pain in my soul. He thinks it is time for me to move on, to accept that I may never have either of my children in my life. For me...I can't let go.

Counseling helps, my journaling on notepad helps, friends have listened and I am making forward movement. It is ever so slow and people do get tired of trying to hold me up and help me out. So I've made progress and yet....there are days and weeks that the forward movement seems to move backward.

I remember when my nephew died. His mother was so distraught. We all felt her pain. Then there was the moment of....what to say, what to do to show her the love she needs. She talked about him for months, years and the pain would not leave her. That was her child and she wanted him and....we couldn't bring him back.

That is where I've been these past few years. I want my child, children and they have the pain they lived through and they have seen me as part of the problem and the and's continue to pile up. They try to make sense of all the junk that went on. In the meantime, I try to make sense of all the junk that went on and life is a struggle at best.

The prayers have been constant. God's timing though is always right on time. I may have wanted what I wanted but you know what? The right time was....Mother's Day 2011 for my son to hear me. He feels he was an unwanted child. That breaks my heart. He was hard for sure. He had hearing problems, allergies, was ADHD and a whole host of struggles on top of the home life he lived through. What I keep trying to tell him is that he has always been wanted. He gave me a reason to live when I wanted to curl up and die. I tried suicide once, was terrified that I'd live and be a mess so I never really wanted to do that. Still I had plenty of times where I begged God to take me home. This year was no exception. The pain of life was about as raw as it could get for me.

So I'm glad God did not take me Saturday night before Mother's Day. I would have never had the heart to heart with my son and found the joy of hearing his voice, his tenderness and his struggle as he tried to make sense of his crazy upbringing. I hope he also heard how much he meant to me even though he felt unwanted. That breaks my heart. Both he and his sister were the reason I wanted to live when life sucked big time. In fact as I was starting my faith journey God had to tell me to quit worshiping my kids. I placed them so high in my life....I couldn't hear God. As I learned to love God first, I found life bearable. As I find life bearable, I am able to move through life and to be honest I think the kids see it even if they are distant. Hopefully they will see my faith and begin their own faith journey.

The last few years that became more important than reconciling. I want them to know Jesus and through Jesus I have found the healing to deal with all the junk my life has been. I also hear my Doctor yet again as she told me that victims of abuse tend to never walk away from the past. The past seems to come back to display itself over and over. I am finding that statement to be so true. I am grateful for my church family...they hold me/us so close. My husband has signed on for a lifetime commitment and has shown his love in standing by me even when I am not easy to deal with or understand. God, puts such wonderful healing people in my path, the young women to love as I mourn the loss of my daughter, the friends who let me cry one more time, my husband and even our pets who snuggle me.

As I ask often, have you forgiven someone recently? Is it time to let go and let God?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet