June 4, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

Thoughts at large:

June 5 is a date forever etched into my mind. Anniversaries tend to do that, especially when they are hard ones to remember. Twenty years ago, I can’t believe it has been that long. My nephew went on a school field trip and never came home. He was 12. Having a child die is about the hardest thing to live through.

As the years have gone on moments come. What would his man voice have been like? What would he have done with his life? What kind of girls would he date and eventually marry? What kind of a Dad would he have been? The questions are ever present and no answer is to ever be had.

I remember grieving him hard. I was the one at home with my kids and his sister and brother. His Mom and Dad had got a call to come to the hospital. I kept the kids. My ex had gone out and I was alone. I could not find him. I called our Minister and he came by. I wasn’t sure how the kids would respond and being alone I had no clue how to comfort four children who were going to grieve upon the news. The Minister told the kids and right away tears were present. The brother who was months younger grieved hard. All of them struggled with grief but the brother held onto our Minister hard.

Nephew, you are never far from my/our thoughts. We miss you and we love you.

God always amazes me. When I hurt badly, He holds me and then I find myself moving forward. When we moved to VA I was struggling emotionally. I remember sitting out on the porch and seeing nature happen around me, deer wandering by, humming birds dropping in for some nectar and the gentle quiet that is part of nature. In the new house I have my walks that are so peaceful. Sometimes horses are out grazing and I get to pet their soft noses. Sometimes a deer wanders across my path. Our back porch faces the woods and that is a beauty beyond words.

As we were moving in we noticed that new people moved into the house next to us. We finally found a way to say “hi”. Since that first “hi” a friendship has grown. They are younger than us. Neither drives. J likes running with me. We take trips to town for groceries, drugstore runs and the like. She goes with me when I check on the stores that have my books. We laugh and giggle.

J tripped over the dog and wound up with a nasty gash on her forehead. She had a doctor appointment and I had to have a repeat on my mammogram so both appointments were in the same town, the same day. First J went to her doctor and then I took her over to the emergency room to get the gash looked at. She then accompanied me to get the ultra sound done. Afterward I was glad she was there. The technician thought that my scar looked strange and said I’d more than likely need to have a biopsy. Not great news to hear.

Junior had a doctor appointment at the same time. He had not had his man check up in a while so I wanted him at his appointment. J was with me and I was grateful. She is way younger than me and sometimes I wind up having a “mother-daughter” talk with her. It feels so good to be able to share the wisdom of my years with her. Sometimes we talk about the “girl” stuff our bodies go through. Sometimes we talk about men. The man she is with was married before and he is the first man in her life in the “man and wife” kind of way.

Since this is my second marriage I had an idea of some of her feelings. We who have not been around the block worry we are not……..what other’s have been in our men’s lives. For me I remember feeling secure one night as Junior was falling asleep. He was talking in his sleep and stated I was the best lover he ever had. I hold fast to that statement. I no longer worry if I am as adept as other women were. I found out that night that because I give Junior my heart that is all he has ever wanted. We have found the mechanics of love have been made sweeter because first we give our heart and the mechanics work just fine otherwise.

There is a 20 year age difference between J and her man. I told her about how I tell Junior he is my stud muffin. I told her once more about my notes. I also had a conversation with her guy. That 20 year difference also brings questions to his mind. Will she want someone younger down the road? They both are committed and yet that underlying question is there.

I told J my story about Junior falling asleep. I told her how I write notes and how I try hard to make my guy secure in my love.

J was sick and the baby needed diapers. I took her guy M to get diapers. For me I still have moments when I am alone with another guy. I have fear that grips me. I asked Junior if he wanted to go. Junior thought hard about that question and decided I could take him. His ex ran off with another man and so he at times wonders if I will do the same. He decided to let me go. We after all these years still have our struggles with what went on in the past. As much as we trust there are still moments.

Anyway, I loved having the chance to talk woman to woman with J. I love her stopping by and helping me put the house in order – decorate what have you. We are doing Weight Watchers together and we are exercising together. I truly love having a young woman in my life, one that loves hearing my advice. She helps me and I have a chance to help her. It feels real good.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet