November 13, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
I’ve been pondering a line from the Lord’s Prayer. It is one I reflect upon often. I generally see it as providing food for us to eat each day. The line goes like this, “Give us this day our daily bread.” Food at times in my life has been hard to come by. As a child we got assistance, food from church and from Grandma’s work. Ironically I have also struggled with “not eating.” Food for me is a major trigger. Through the years, I’ve learned to trust that each day God will provide what I do need to eat. I’ve also had to learn to not use food as a way of coping whether by eating too much or by not eating at all.
I am always fascinated by fasting. I would like to try it and I don’t because of my triggers with food. Of late I am dealing with hypoglycemia, which means I need to eat every four hours or so. If I don’t eat every 4 hours, then I get severe headaches. So food is still a struggle in my life.
Add to this mix my sister and me as kids. She loved to eat. She hid food under her pillow and often had midnight snacks. I did not like to eat. I didn’t like being bothered with food all the time. My parents were constantly harping on me because I didn’t eat much as a kid. I would rather have been outside playing. I have always been tiny which had my parents concerned as well. They felt I needed meat on my bones. My sister they felt had too much meat on her bones.
This time I heard another way of looking at this passage. I did not hear food per se. I did hear that we needed to ask God for our daily portion. We needed to ask for the ability to handle the day to day things in life. As I heard this, I felt it deep in my bones. I would say that life in general has always been a struggle for me. I tend to feel “slammed” easily and then find myself struggling to face each and every day. I tend to be hyper sensitive to struggles that come my way. I have a hard time moving through most struggles in life.
To be honest in many ways that is how I’ve been able to get through life of late, with God giving me what I can handle each and every day. Once I accepted Jesus as my Savior, confessed my sins, I began to find healing that years of counseling had not been able to give me. As I again reflect on “Give us this day our daily bread” I find that I can only handle life one thing at a time. I have a tendency to allow myself to be overwhelmed and try to handle several things at once.
Since retirement I have once again felt slammed by life. I have had several health issues that I have not known how to handle. I have had another relationship in my life go sour. Add in a major move, new friends to be made and a whole new way of handling life in a very remote area and I have found myself at the bottom of a well trying to find my way up and out with no ladder to climb. Each time I have made a little progress I felt slammed down again and finally I got to where sitting on the couch looking at Facebook seemed the safest place to be. I was falling asleep at the drop of a hat as well.
I love it here in VA. It is beautiful and I am grateful that we felt led to move here. Our new home is exciting to anticipate and the wonderful view that surrounds our home is exhilarating. I believe we were called to move here and I am ever grateful for this move. Still, I have had moments where I couldn’t seem to get my head above water.
I am finally coming out of the fog of the last two years. My book is finished and I am learning how to market it. It truly feels like I am learning a new profession and I love it. Again the new house is fun, hard work, but fun. Our church family has welcomed us with such loving arms and of course our friends from MI have helped tremendously in this transition.
A lot of my tiredness has been health issues. Arthritis pain will make me sleepy, especially when I take aspirin. If I go too long without eating, I tend to get headaches and that can make me sleepy. So I sort through the struggle of health versus emotional struggles that can make me sleepy.
My doctor did some blood work trying to see if I had any underlying physical problems and they came back normal. Since having cancer I tend to have a moment when health issues arise, so I was relieved that my blood work was normal. She suggested I try counseling.
That is something I did not want to hear. I wrote a book on how the ACTSS prayer format has helped me and I didn’t need counseling like I used to. Now I am in need of counseling? Still, I haven’t been in counseling for 10 years now. I have had my accountability groups until about two years ago. Several of us were retiring and moving so it became difficult to continue with the group.
It occurs to me that God has given us tools to handle life. For me prayer and Bible study has been of great value. God has given us doctors, counselors as well. He gives us friends, spouses too. It seems that my “bread of life” at present is to go get an assist from a professional. Even though I feel a lot of my struggles are finally starting to pass, I still have a few I need to deal with. My book and the house have helped me in many ways. I am walking more and more. I am not falling asleep as often either and I am getting up now after 6-7 hours of sleep. I will nap a little, not like I was. I still struggle with simple tasks, like picking up the house and keeping it clean.
I truly did not want to spend my final years asleep all the time. I want to travel, to write and to be Junior’s wife, friend, lover and companion. So again, I find my bread of life at present is to seek the aid of a counselor.
As I end I would like to ask you “Do you need Jesus’ help in solving problems in your life on a daily basis?”
May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
November 20, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
As Thanksgiving approaches my thoughts turn toward Thank fullness. One of the very first steps I took after my divorce was writing a Thank Full journal. Each day I listed 5 things I was thank full for. It was hard to do at first. I felt so much pain and bitterness that finding something to be thank full for was very hard work. Still, I began my journal. Some days I was thank full that I made it through another day. I even wrote that I was thank full that I was divorced, which I sort of meant and didn’t.
As I continued with this journal, I soon found peace. I found days where I could smile, laugh and I was starting to enjoy life. It was a process and it did take time but I was starting to change deep inside of me. My thoughts began to find things to be thank full more and more often. I began to appreciate the little things in life. I even found myself laughing and enjoying life as well.
I started to see God’s hand on me and on my life that felt wonderful. In the thank fullness I began to see how precious I was to God. I started to see where God had been in my life long before I realized He was there. I started to realize that I was not alone and that God truly wanted to help me be all that I could be.
When my children were very young, I left my husband. I had two small children. I had no job, no car and no way to figure out how to support us. As I went back home to my husband, I heard a radio program. The talk show host suggested to a lady that she stay with her husband for the time being. She suggested that she get her education. Find a job before she left him. That is exactly what I did. I started to get my education. Through the years I got some education, got a job and began getting to a spot to where if I needed to, I would be able to support the kids and myself. At times I thought we were going to pull through and make the marriage work. In the end, the marriage finally fell apart. The kids were pretty much grown. I did make enough to support myself though.
Years later when I was learning to be thank full, I realized that God had been with me at that point in my life. I had not realized it until way later. I was able to leave that marriage and I was able to support myself. Part of my journey to thank fullness has been to look back and see that God has always been there. Part of my faith journey now is to see where God has helped me in the past and then realize He will be with me in the present situation. It seems that our faith journey is really looking back and then realizing that God loves us. In that the current struggle becomes tolerable because we know we aren’t alone and God is always there.
As I learned the ACTSS prayer format, I found the thank fullness part to be precious. I strive to thank God each day. I strive to thank God for the smallest thing in my life, like my toothbrush and thank Him for that. Then I strive to thank God for larger things, the house, the appliances etc. When I thank God, I begin to see how He makes sure I have what I need. That has been a journey as well. God gives us what we need. The extra things are icing on the cake. He gives what I need and can handle. I may never be a millionaire. That’s ok. I have what really matters and that is very comforting to me.
I even thank God for my husband. After that I will pray for our marriage. When I hit those rough spots where I don’t “get” my husband, God has helped me to see past his imperfect ways. One of the best parts of my prayer of late as I pray for Junior is “open my eyes and my heart to Junior.” As I struggled with curbside shopping and lawn art that wasn’t pretty….God began to show me my husband’s generous nature, his tender heart, his wonderful talent.
As people in my life have chosen to leave me and I have felt crushed by the loss, God has been wonderful. He has given me the tools, the wonderful gifts of life and I am able to move on. Sometimes it is porch time, sometimes it is a house to remodel and I move out of despair into hope. Even the book I wrote was a gift from God. He gave me the words and as I wrote, my focus was changing and that pain I had was leaving me. Of late it is time with a counselor. I have somewhere to explore the feelings and then I am able to move forward.
When I can be thankful I am able to see what I do have and I don’t focus on what I don’t have. I had always thought that when the kids grew up and they had kids, I would be part of all that families go through. Life has not worked out the way I had envisioned it. As I let go of those dreams, God has given me new dreams and that feels wonderful. Again, I am thankful. I am not used up and of no good. God has given me work to do and frankly, that feels awesome. I have a sense of purpose, a reason to live and to enjoy my life.
This Thanksgiving, I’d like to ask, what are you thankful for? It is a great conversation topic at dinner, try it and let me know how it went.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
As Thanksgiving approaches my thoughts turn toward Thank fullness. One of the very first steps I took after my divorce was writing a Thank Full journal. Each day I listed 5 things I was thank full for. It was hard to do at first. I felt so much pain and bitterness that finding something to be thank full for was very hard work. Still, I began my journal. Some days I was thank full that I made it through another day. I even wrote that I was thank full that I was divorced, which I sort of meant and didn’t.
As I continued with this journal, I soon found peace. I found days where I could smile, laugh and I was starting to enjoy life. It was a process and it did take time but I was starting to change deep inside of me. My thoughts began to find things to be thank full more and more often. I began to appreciate the little things in life. I even found myself laughing and enjoying life as well.
I started to see God’s hand on me and on my life that felt wonderful. In the thank fullness I began to see how precious I was to God. I started to see where God had been in my life long before I realized He was there. I started to realize that I was not alone and that God truly wanted to help me be all that I could be.
When my children were very young, I left my husband. I had two small children. I had no job, no car and no way to figure out how to support us. As I went back home to my husband, I heard a radio program. The talk show host suggested to a lady that she stay with her husband for the time being. She suggested that she get her education. Find a job before she left him. That is exactly what I did. I started to get my education. Through the years I got some education, got a job and began getting to a spot to where if I needed to, I would be able to support the kids and myself. At times I thought we were going to pull through and make the marriage work. In the end, the marriage finally fell apart. The kids were pretty much grown. I did make enough to support myself though.
Years later when I was learning to be thank full, I realized that God had been with me at that point in my life. I had not realized it until way later. I was able to leave that marriage and I was able to support myself. Part of my journey to thank fullness has been to look back and see that God has always been there. Part of my faith journey now is to see where God has helped me in the past and then realize He will be with me in the present situation. It seems that our faith journey is really looking back and then realizing that God loves us. In that the current struggle becomes tolerable because we know we aren’t alone and God is always there.
As I learned the ACTSS prayer format, I found the thank fullness part to be precious. I strive to thank God each day. I strive to thank God for the smallest thing in my life, like my toothbrush and thank Him for that. Then I strive to thank God for larger things, the house, the appliances etc. When I thank God, I begin to see how He makes sure I have what I need. That has been a journey as well. God gives us what we need. The extra things are icing on the cake. He gives what I need and can handle. I may never be a millionaire. That’s ok. I have what really matters and that is very comforting to me.
I even thank God for my husband. After that I will pray for our marriage. When I hit those rough spots where I don’t “get” my husband, God has helped me to see past his imperfect ways. One of the best parts of my prayer of late as I pray for Junior is “open my eyes and my heart to Junior.” As I struggled with curbside shopping and lawn art that wasn’t pretty….God began to show me my husband’s generous nature, his tender heart, his wonderful talent.
As people in my life have chosen to leave me and I have felt crushed by the loss, God has been wonderful. He has given me the tools, the wonderful gifts of life and I am able to move on. Sometimes it is porch time, sometimes it is a house to remodel and I move out of despair into hope. Even the book I wrote was a gift from God. He gave me the words and as I wrote, my focus was changing and that pain I had was leaving me. Of late it is time with a counselor. I have somewhere to explore the feelings and then I am able to move forward.
When I can be thankful I am able to see what I do have and I don’t focus on what I don’t have. I had always thought that when the kids grew up and they had kids, I would be part of all that families go through. Life has not worked out the way I had envisioned it. As I let go of those dreams, God has given me new dreams and that feels wonderful. Again, I am thankful. I am not used up and of no good. God has given me work to do and frankly, that feels awesome. I have a sense of purpose, a reason to live and to enjoy my life.
This Thanksgiving, I’d like to ask, what are you thankful for? It is a great conversation topic at dinner, try it and let me know how it went.
Love
Janet
Saturday, November 13, 2010
November 27, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
Grief, I am dealing with grief again. My mind looks back a whole lot lately. Someone very close to me is extremely ill and soon may be gone. Memories crowd my thoughts of late. In my family anger is part of the memory process as well. I am trying to sort through the maze of “would of, could of and should of” feelings.
I’ve strived to not be a bother. I am open about my feelings and many find that to be un-productive in their opinion. They believe the way I grieve and handle life is negative. For me to move forward, I tend to pull back the layers and look at every nook and cranny. Once I have examined all angles, I am able to move out of extreme sadness. Right? Wrong? I don’t think there is a perfect way to handle grief, life in general. The best is Jesus and even in Jesus we come in all shapes and sizes. I find His huge comfortable arms wrapped around me at this point and I know that this intense hurt will be made bearable because of His love for me.
In the last few years many of our friends are becoming widows and widowers. Many of our parent’s have passed on and now we deal with new types of grief….siblings, aunts, uncles and friends. Even though I’ve walked through grief several times, each one makes me think again and again. An end to my life will come. Am I ready? The one who is passing on or the one that has passed, makes me wonder if I’ve said all I have needed to say, things like “I love you, I’m sorry or do you know Jesus?
As I go through the stages of grief, I wonder more and more about the afterlife. I remember as a young person thinking that walking with Jesus was too much work. I wanted to go have fun, do what I wanted to do, when I wanted and how I wanted. As I have gotten older though I find a walk with Jesus to be so important to me and I am lost without Him. Many people today try to say that a faith journey is baloney. It is a sign of weakness to have to believe something that in their opinion is not real. To me though, Jesus is as real as reality gets. Over and over I hear of findings where the Bible happenings are true and real. The Bible’s translation is 98% accurate to the original texts. That is thousands of years ago when it was written and it is that accurate. Shakespeare, Aristotle and what have you do not have that degree of accuracy. As I have entered into a serious faith journey I have found a peace I never knew before this precious walk I started. I do have my trials, I don’t have a “cake walk” life now and in fact sometimes it is even harder. Of late I have been focusing on Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gestheme. This prayer has been bringing me so much comfort of late. Jesus prayed, “Take this cup of suffering from me, not my will, but yours.”
Our Lord and Savior was afraid. He did not want to face the trail that was before Him and wanted to walk away from it. I hear again “not my will, but yours” He wanted to do the Father’s will, but was struggling mightily. For me, I focus on the pain He was about to endure. He suffered pain beyond belief. Junior says that our Lord was more upset because Jesus was going to be separated from the Father and that was unbearable to Him more so than the pain. Any way I look at it, our Lord was under extreme pain. He prayed this prayer three times. He really didn’t want to go through with the “hour of the cross.”
After the third time He prayed this prayer, our Father sent angels to comfort Jesus. This is where I find a huge comfort. Our Lord and Savior was terrified, did not want to do the job etc. Our Father in heaven knows that our walk can at times be painful, difficult to bear, to handle and to do. God the Father will give us what we need to face life. At present I need to face grief, extreme grief and our Father gives me friends who will let me talk, a counselor who helps me sort through the maze of feelings, a loving husband and some wonderful cats who snuggle me to no end.
I also reflect on another part of Scripture. This one says that “we are all members in Christ. One is an eye, another a foot and another a hand.” The point for me is that we are all very different and have very different roles to fulfill. I also reflect again on Junior and our trip to Wales. We were doing evangelism on the streets. I see him once more on a park bench eating his lunch. He is talking to some very rough looking people. He is comfortable with this crowd and he was bringing Jesus to these people. In no way can I begin to relate to these people. I have compassion etc, but I have no clue on how they think and operate. Junior like a lot of my family shuts doors when life is painful, people don’t like him. Me, I need to peel back the layers, explore, cry and then I am able to move on. That is me, not right, not wrong.
I have tried hard to not bother my family with my style of grieving, facing challenges and in the process of grief though I find that I am not exploring my feelings like I need to. If I want to move forward, I will need to explore, to settle in my mind the good, the bad and the ugly of my relationship with this person. Of late, I have heard in jest that life is not all about me. That is a very true statement and to be honest, I have been striving to not make “me” the center of everything. There are times though that we do need to make some things all about “us”. For me to move out of grief and despair, I need to say good-bye in my own special way. I need to let go in my own way. As I continue to allow Jesus into my heart, I find that my need is not to best the next person, my desire is to be more like my big brother Jesus.
My last encounter with this person was very unpleasant. As emotionally charged words kept being directed to me, Junior told me to be quiet. I listened and I then excused myself and headed for the car. On the way out, I walked over, hugged this person and said I love you.
I am so sad. This relationship never really “worked.” I’ve tried, they’ve tried, for some strange reason, it just never took off. We could never seem to get “past” the struggles that seemed to separate us. Inside me though, I have loved this person, we couldn't seem to connect and this makes me sad, still I have love for them.
Here goes the question again. Have you made amends, made the first attempt in healing a relationship? Have you forgiven? Again, forgiveness is more for you than the one you are forgiving.
Love this healing!
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Grief, I am dealing with grief again. My mind looks back a whole lot lately. Someone very close to me is extremely ill and soon may be gone. Memories crowd my thoughts of late. In my family anger is part of the memory process as well. I am trying to sort through the maze of “would of, could of and should of” feelings.
I’ve strived to not be a bother. I am open about my feelings and many find that to be un-productive in their opinion. They believe the way I grieve and handle life is negative. For me to move forward, I tend to pull back the layers and look at every nook and cranny. Once I have examined all angles, I am able to move out of extreme sadness. Right? Wrong? I don’t think there is a perfect way to handle grief, life in general. The best is Jesus and even in Jesus we come in all shapes and sizes. I find His huge comfortable arms wrapped around me at this point and I know that this intense hurt will be made bearable because of His love for me.
In the last few years many of our friends are becoming widows and widowers. Many of our parent’s have passed on and now we deal with new types of grief….siblings, aunts, uncles and friends. Even though I’ve walked through grief several times, each one makes me think again and again. An end to my life will come. Am I ready? The one who is passing on or the one that has passed, makes me wonder if I’ve said all I have needed to say, things like “I love you, I’m sorry or do you know Jesus?
As I go through the stages of grief, I wonder more and more about the afterlife. I remember as a young person thinking that walking with Jesus was too much work. I wanted to go have fun, do what I wanted to do, when I wanted and how I wanted. As I have gotten older though I find a walk with Jesus to be so important to me and I am lost without Him. Many people today try to say that a faith journey is baloney. It is a sign of weakness to have to believe something that in their opinion is not real. To me though, Jesus is as real as reality gets. Over and over I hear of findings where the Bible happenings are true and real. The Bible’s translation is 98% accurate to the original texts. That is thousands of years ago when it was written and it is that accurate. Shakespeare, Aristotle and what have you do not have that degree of accuracy. As I have entered into a serious faith journey I have found a peace I never knew before this precious walk I started. I do have my trials, I don’t have a “cake walk” life now and in fact sometimes it is even harder. Of late I have been focusing on Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gestheme. This prayer has been bringing me so much comfort of late. Jesus prayed, “Take this cup of suffering from me, not my will, but yours.”
Our Lord and Savior was afraid. He did not want to face the trail that was before Him and wanted to walk away from it. I hear again “not my will, but yours” He wanted to do the Father’s will, but was struggling mightily. For me, I focus on the pain He was about to endure. He suffered pain beyond belief. Junior says that our Lord was more upset because Jesus was going to be separated from the Father and that was unbearable to Him more so than the pain. Any way I look at it, our Lord was under extreme pain. He prayed this prayer three times. He really didn’t want to go through with the “hour of the cross.”
After the third time He prayed this prayer, our Father sent angels to comfort Jesus. This is where I find a huge comfort. Our Lord and Savior was terrified, did not want to do the job etc. Our Father in heaven knows that our walk can at times be painful, difficult to bear, to handle and to do. God the Father will give us what we need to face life. At present I need to face grief, extreme grief and our Father gives me friends who will let me talk, a counselor who helps me sort through the maze of feelings, a loving husband and some wonderful cats who snuggle me to no end.
I also reflect on another part of Scripture. This one says that “we are all members in Christ. One is an eye, another a foot and another a hand.” The point for me is that we are all very different and have very different roles to fulfill. I also reflect again on Junior and our trip to Wales. We were doing evangelism on the streets. I see him once more on a park bench eating his lunch. He is talking to some very rough looking people. He is comfortable with this crowd and he was bringing Jesus to these people. In no way can I begin to relate to these people. I have compassion etc, but I have no clue on how they think and operate. Junior like a lot of my family shuts doors when life is painful, people don’t like him. Me, I need to peel back the layers, explore, cry and then I am able to move on. That is me, not right, not wrong.
I have tried hard to not bother my family with my style of grieving, facing challenges and in the process of grief though I find that I am not exploring my feelings like I need to. If I want to move forward, I will need to explore, to settle in my mind the good, the bad and the ugly of my relationship with this person. Of late, I have heard in jest that life is not all about me. That is a very true statement and to be honest, I have been striving to not make “me” the center of everything. There are times though that we do need to make some things all about “us”. For me to move out of grief and despair, I need to say good-bye in my own special way. I need to let go in my own way. As I continue to allow Jesus into my heart, I find that my need is not to best the next person, my desire is to be more like my big brother Jesus.
My last encounter with this person was very unpleasant. As emotionally charged words kept being directed to me, Junior told me to be quiet. I listened and I then excused myself and headed for the car. On the way out, I walked over, hugged this person and said I love you.
I am so sad. This relationship never really “worked.” I’ve tried, they’ve tried, for some strange reason, it just never took off. We could never seem to get “past” the struggles that seemed to separate us. Inside me though, I have loved this person, we couldn't seem to connect and this makes me sad, still I have love for them.
Here goes the question again. Have you made amends, made the first attempt in healing a relationship? Have you forgiven? Again, forgiveness is more for you than the one you are forgiving.
Love this healing!
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, November 5, 2010
November 6, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
Junior and I were having the same disagreement again. We see a situation I’ve dealt with through two totally different eyes. He sees that I didn’t “get it.” I see that I’ve learned and have grown through different layers in a struggle. I always feel God’s gentle hand on me as I have cried and tried to make sense of this huge struggle. He sees that I am being reprimanded more and more severely.
One time many years ago now we were driving to church and we were talking. I felt this “instant” message pop into thoughts. I was told to quit worshiping…… I was amazed at this thought that popped into my head. I pondered it and then I began a journey. I wrote a letter trying to explain myself, the feelings I was having. I tried to use “word” pictures so my thoughts may be better understood. When that letter resulted in no response, I wrote another stating that I would step out of their lives and would welcome them back whenever they wanted to open that door again.
I began a journey that would span many years. Each step I made I tried to take it to God, to see if I was going where He wanted me to go. It was a hard journey at times. I also remember a counselor telling me one time about deep wounds. Deep wounds tend to heal from the inside and often can take a long time before the wound is healed. Through the years I would remember this and console myself with the thought that deep wounds do take time. This hurt I had was a huge gash to my whole being. I had to change the way I saw myself, the way I related to life.
Our accountability group helped me with the first stage of the deep pain. I was letting go fairly well when another deep wound hit me. The first one took me years to begin to accept, to walk away from. Then this other deep wound hit me. As we were moving to VA, I discovered another relationship that I needed to look at and then I saw that it had fell apart sometime when I wasn’t looking, so to speak. This one hurt bad. I remember waking up after a nap one day feeling like God was telling me that I was grieving. I felt a huge sense of relief. I understood what was happening finally. I began to look back and I saw where this relationship began to derail. This person called me at work and I would struggle with them, but I was back to doing my job and frankly I didn’t see the struggle until after I retired and we had a huge blow up.
Junior and I both felt led to move to VA. We felt it at the same time. We moved originally for political reasons. As we settled here though, I began to realize that we were to move for other reasons as well. One of the reasons was to put some distance between me and a loved one. I started to see that this person didn’t really visit me. We saw each other at Christmas and visits kept getting further and further apart. Our conversations often turned into heated arguments. I think it was time to “let go, let God.”
I also felt that if I was to write, then I needed the “quietness” of being beyond rural. We settled in a very remote area. It was here I felt led to write my first book. It was here where I felt healing as I sat on the front porch. It was also here where I have met some wonderful women and a very good friend who will let me call her and bounce the latest my life has to work through. It is here I also find that “life will go on.”
At present I am involved with my book, the marketing end of it at this point. We are very involved in remodeling our new house. As I embrace these changes, I find my focus isn’t about the hurt in my heart. I am finding a way beyond the grief I have felt. I am letting go of another layer of hurt. God shows me over and over that He will take care of me – no matter what.
Aunt R comes to mind again. She never married. She is very eccentric. She disappears for weeks, months on end and then she shows up in your life. She is elderly at this point in her life. Her friends became concerned for her. They got her moved into a nursing home. In this I see again, that God will provide. He will make sure I have what I need. I believe in my heart He will make sure I will die at home even, because it means so much to me. Someone will step up that that plate when the day comes. I feel it deep in my being.
So I see that God has been tender, gentle and as I have been able to see and grow, He has given me the tools to grow with. I don’t see that God is “yelling” at me because I don’t get the point. I also feel that the “grieving” that was revealed to me is now another layer of healing. I feel that God told me that I was “grieving” so I that I realized that it was going to take a period of time to work the struggle through my system. As I am coming out of my grieving….I find a sense of energy again. I am taking fewer naps, I am moving about a lot more and I find things to be involved in. I wish these hurts weren’t there….still God has shown me yet again that He is faithful and will never tire of me.
I can’t seem to ask this enough…..Is there someone you need to make amends with?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Junior and I were having the same disagreement again. We see a situation I’ve dealt with through two totally different eyes. He sees that I didn’t “get it.” I see that I’ve learned and have grown through different layers in a struggle. I always feel God’s gentle hand on me as I have cried and tried to make sense of this huge struggle. He sees that I am being reprimanded more and more severely.
One time many years ago now we were driving to church and we were talking. I felt this “instant” message pop into thoughts. I was told to quit worshiping…… I was amazed at this thought that popped into my head. I pondered it and then I began a journey. I wrote a letter trying to explain myself, the feelings I was having. I tried to use “word” pictures so my thoughts may be better understood. When that letter resulted in no response, I wrote another stating that I would step out of their lives and would welcome them back whenever they wanted to open that door again.
I began a journey that would span many years. Each step I made I tried to take it to God, to see if I was going where He wanted me to go. It was a hard journey at times. I also remember a counselor telling me one time about deep wounds. Deep wounds tend to heal from the inside and often can take a long time before the wound is healed. Through the years I would remember this and console myself with the thought that deep wounds do take time. This hurt I had was a huge gash to my whole being. I had to change the way I saw myself, the way I related to life.
Our accountability group helped me with the first stage of the deep pain. I was letting go fairly well when another deep wound hit me. The first one took me years to begin to accept, to walk away from. Then this other deep wound hit me. As we were moving to VA, I discovered another relationship that I needed to look at and then I saw that it had fell apart sometime when I wasn’t looking, so to speak. This one hurt bad. I remember waking up after a nap one day feeling like God was telling me that I was grieving. I felt a huge sense of relief. I understood what was happening finally. I began to look back and I saw where this relationship began to derail. This person called me at work and I would struggle with them, but I was back to doing my job and frankly I didn’t see the struggle until after I retired and we had a huge blow up.
Junior and I both felt led to move to VA. We felt it at the same time. We moved originally for political reasons. As we settled here though, I began to realize that we were to move for other reasons as well. One of the reasons was to put some distance between me and a loved one. I started to see that this person didn’t really visit me. We saw each other at Christmas and visits kept getting further and further apart. Our conversations often turned into heated arguments. I think it was time to “let go, let God.”
I also felt that if I was to write, then I needed the “quietness” of being beyond rural. We settled in a very remote area. It was here I felt led to write my first book. It was here where I felt healing as I sat on the front porch. It was also here where I have met some wonderful women and a very good friend who will let me call her and bounce the latest my life has to work through. It is here I also find that “life will go on.”
At present I am involved with my book, the marketing end of it at this point. We are very involved in remodeling our new house. As I embrace these changes, I find my focus isn’t about the hurt in my heart. I am finding a way beyond the grief I have felt. I am letting go of another layer of hurt. God shows me over and over that He will take care of me – no matter what.
Aunt R comes to mind again. She never married. She is very eccentric. She disappears for weeks, months on end and then she shows up in your life. She is elderly at this point in her life. Her friends became concerned for her. They got her moved into a nursing home. In this I see again, that God will provide. He will make sure I have what I need. I believe in my heart He will make sure I will die at home even, because it means so much to me. Someone will step up that that plate when the day comes. I feel it deep in my being.
So I see that God has been tender, gentle and as I have been able to see and grow, He has given me the tools to grow with. I don’t see that God is “yelling” at me because I don’t get the point. I also feel that the “grieving” that was revealed to me is now another layer of healing. I feel that God told me that I was “grieving” so I that I realized that it was going to take a period of time to work the struggle through my system. As I am coming out of my grieving….I find a sense of energy again. I am taking fewer naps, I am moving about a lot more and I find things to be involved in. I wish these hurts weren’t there….still God has shown me yet again that He is faithful and will never tire of me.
I can’t seem to ask this enough…..Is there someone you need to make amends with?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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