November 13, 2010

Greetings My Friend,

I’ve been pondering a line from the Lord’s Prayer. It is one I reflect upon often. I generally see it as providing food for us to eat each day. The line goes like this, “Give us this day our daily bread.” Food at times in my life has been hard to come by. As a child we got assistance, food from church and from Grandma’s work. Ironically I have also struggled with “not eating.” Food for me is a major trigger. Through the years, I’ve learned to trust that each day God will provide what I do need to eat. I’ve also had to learn to not use food as a way of coping whether by eating too much or by not eating at all.

I am always fascinated by fasting. I would like to try it and I don’t because of my triggers with food. Of late I am dealing with hypoglycemia, which means I need to eat every four hours or so. If I don’t eat every 4 hours, then I get severe headaches. So food is still a struggle in my life.

Add to this mix my sister and me as kids. She loved to eat. She hid food under her pillow and often had midnight snacks. I did not like to eat. I didn’t like being bothered with food all the time. My parents were constantly harping on me because I didn’t eat much as a kid. I would rather have been outside playing. I have always been tiny which had my parents concerned as well. They felt I needed meat on my bones. My sister they felt had too much meat on her bones.

This time I heard another way of looking at this passage. I did not hear food per se. I did hear that we needed to ask God for our daily portion. We needed to ask for the ability to handle the day to day things in life. As I heard this, I felt it deep in my bones. I would say that life in general has always been a struggle for me. I tend to feel “slammed” easily and then find myself struggling to face each and every day. I tend to be hyper sensitive to struggles that come my way. I have a hard time moving through most struggles in life.

To be honest in many ways that is how I’ve been able to get through life of late, with God giving me what I can handle each and every day. Once I accepted Jesus as my Savior, confessed my sins, I began to find healing that years of counseling had not been able to give me. As I again reflect on “Give us this day our daily bread” I find that I can only handle life one thing at a time. I have a tendency to allow myself to be overwhelmed and try to handle several things at once.

Since retirement I have once again felt slammed by life. I have had several health issues that I have not known how to handle. I have had another relationship in my life go sour. Add in a major move, new friends to be made and a whole new way of handling life in a very remote area and I have found myself at the bottom of a well trying to find my way up and out with no ladder to climb. Each time I have made a little progress I felt slammed down again and finally I got to where sitting on the couch looking at Facebook seemed the safest place to be. I was falling asleep at the drop of a hat as well.

I love it here in VA. It is beautiful and I am grateful that we felt led to move here. Our new home is exciting to anticipate and the wonderful view that surrounds our home is exhilarating. I believe we were called to move here and I am ever grateful for this move. Still, I have had moments where I couldn’t seem to get my head above water.

I am finally coming out of the fog of the last two years. My book is finished and I am learning how to market it. It truly feels like I am learning a new profession and I love it. Again the new house is fun, hard work, but fun. Our church family has welcomed us with such loving arms and of course our friends from MI have helped tremendously in this transition.

A lot of my tiredness has been health issues. Arthritis pain will make me sleepy, especially when I take aspirin. If I go too long without eating, I tend to get headaches and that can make me sleepy. So I sort through the struggle of health versus emotional struggles that can make me sleepy.

My doctor did some blood work trying to see if I had any underlying physical problems and they came back normal. Since having cancer I tend to have a moment when health issues arise, so I was relieved that my blood work was normal. She suggested I try counseling.

That is something I did not want to hear. I wrote a book on how the ACTSS prayer format has helped me and I didn’t need counseling like I used to. Now I am in need of counseling? Still, I haven’t been in counseling for 10 years now. I have had my accountability groups until about two years ago. Several of us were retiring and moving so it became difficult to continue with the group.

It occurs to me that God has given us tools to handle life. For me prayer and Bible study has been of great value. God has given us doctors, counselors as well. He gives us friends, spouses too. It seems that my “bread of life” at present is to go get an assist from a professional. Even though I feel a lot of my struggles are finally starting to pass, I still have a few I need to deal with. My book and the house have helped me in many ways. I am walking more and more. I am not falling asleep as often either and I am getting up now after 6-7 hours of sleep. I will nap a little, not like I was. I still struggle with simple tasks, like picking up the house and keeping it clean.

I truly did not want to spend my final years asleep all the time. I want to travel, to write and to be Junior’s wife, friend, lover and companion. So again, I find my bread of life at present is to seek the aid of a counselor.

As I end I would like to ask you “Do you need Jesus’ help in solving problems in your life on a daily basis?”

May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.

Love
Janet