December 4, 2010

Greetings My Friend,

Did you know it takes the average abuse victim 8 try’s to leave the abuse situation? Did you know that the person abused may not know how to parent their children? Did you know that even though the abused may not have liked what they grew up in, they may repeat the abuse because they don’t know any different way to handle life? Did you know that even though you can’t imagine yourself entrenched in abuse that it crops up on you and you are enmeshed in it before you know it? Did you know that most kids blame the mother for the abuse that went on in the home? They feel she should have gotten them out of that mess. They don’t understand that Mom did not always know how to get out. They do not understand that even though Mom sounded tuff, she was not. She sounded tuff trying to get the courage to really leave.

More than I’d like to admit to it, I heard, “I never.” People were quick to point out my lack of intelligence because I found myself in the middle of the craziness of anger and abuse and lashing out. It took me years to even comprehend that there were other ways of handling life. When Dad pounded on me as a kid and then I found myself enmeshed in anger and lashing out and being lashed back at that there was a different way to handle life.

Through counseling I began to see that I did not have to tolerate such a life style. Jesus has taken me even further….to be honest….I don’t get that angry anymore. I do struggle with people being displeased with me….more counseling and I’m coming along again.

When I entered into counseling the first time, people told me that I should not admit that I needed the aid of a counselor. It was a sign of weakness. My job at the bank was a turning point in my life. As I worked alongside those wonderful people, I had examples, I had people who believed in me, I had friends who cared and gently guided me. In the process I began to learn to stand up for myself, to quit accepting anger as a way of life. I learned I could say “no” and still be liked at the end of the day.

In this marriage, there has never, I repeat never been on incidence of lashing out verbally or physically. We do get frustrated with each other. We on occasion have had to have some serious discussion about the other’s way of being. The anger and abuse is not what I knew previously. I feel extremely safe with Junior. I trust him with my life and to be honest, that feels wonderful.

The Christmas season is upon us. For many this is a very tense time. Holidays, funerals and what have you tend to be hot bed moments for anger to rise up and abuse to happen. I know when my kids were little I so wanted it to be a precious time. I tried to bake. I love a house that has the smell of good food in it. I wore myself out with baking, making art projects to give to the family etc. I needed to learn that a “hallmark” Christmas was a TV moment not necessarily reality. I needed to learn that maybe a few less might have really been more for the kids to enjoy.

I remember going to my mother-in-law’s and she was baking up a storm at Christmas. In my own way, I wanted to be like her. I remember wishing I had that as I grew up and I wanted to give this to my children. I truly loved her spotless clean house and I wanted to give that to my children. What I needed to learn was that I was not my mother-in-law. I could learn from her and at times repeat her way of doing, but I was a different generation and life was not the same for me as it was for her.

I miss that woman so very much. I wish I realized the precious lessons she gave me. I loved her sitting me down and teaching me to be a wife. I loved her telling me to work alongside my husband as projects were being done around the house. I loved it when she taught me to can applesauce, make pickled beets and even make stuffed cabbage.

One of the precious thoughts I have had the last few years is Jesus’ birth. He was born to a teenage mother. He was born in a stable; a feeding trough for the animals was his first bed. His family had to move to Egypt because Pharaoh wanted Him killed. The very first Christmas, was not a “hallmark” Christmas. It did not have wonderful aromas wafting through the house. In fact it had the smell of a barn. Jesus got gifts; gifts that helped the family leave and live in a foreign land. He did not have gifts piled to the ceiling.

As I ponder this, I realize that Jesus grew up. We love the little baby picture, but He grew up. He was a friend to the lost, the lonely, and the hopeless. He taught us who God the Father is. He showed us how to pray, to make God the center of our lives. He ultimately went to an awful death, not a pleasant die at home in bed type of death. He was abused cruelly and He died on a cross. Whenever I get to this point, I feel such a wonderful sense of hope deep inside of me. He did not stay in the grave, He rose from the dead. He now is alive in heaven and sitting on the Father’s right hand side.

This Christmas, I want to ask you to accept the cross, the birth, the death, the life of Jesus. I want to ask you to take it into your heart, to confess your sins and to allow Jesus, to come live inside of you.

This is the hope I have.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet