November 6, 2010

Greetings My Friend,

Junior and I were having the same disagreement again. We see a situation I’ve dealt with through two totally different eyes. He sees that I didn’t “get it.” I see that I’ve learned and have grown through different layers in a struggle. I always feel God’s gentle hand on me as I have cried and tried to make sense of this huge struggle. He sees that I am being reprimanded more and more severely.

One time many years ago now we were driving to church and we were talking. I felt this “instant” message pop into thoughts. I was told to quit worshiping…… I was amazed at this thought that popped into my head. I pondered it and then I began a journey. I wrote a letter trying to explain myself, the feelings I was having. I tried to use “word” pictures so my thoughts may be better understood. When that letter resulted in no response, I wrote another stating that I would step out of their lives and would welcome them back whenever they wanted to open that door again.

I began a journey that would span many years. Each step I made I tried to take it to God, to see if I was going where He wanted me to go. It was a hard journey at times. I also remember a counselor telling me one time about deep wounds. Deep wounds tend to heal from the inside and often can take a long time before the wound is healed. Through the years I would remember this and console myself with the thought that deep wounds do take time. This hurt I had was a huge gash to my whole being. I had to change the way I saw myself, the way I related to life.

Our accountability group helped me with the first stage of the deep pain. I was letting go fairly well when another deep wound hit me. The first one took me years to begin to accept, to walk away from. Then this other deep wound hit me. As we were moving to VA, I discovered another relationship that I needed to look at and then I saw that it had fell apart sometime when I wasn’t looking, so to speak. This one hurt bad. I remember waking up after a nap one day feeling like God was telling me that I was grieving. I felt a huge sense of relief. I understood what was happening finally. I began to look back and I saw where this relationship began to derail. This person called me at work and I would struggle with them, but I was back to doing my job and frankly I didn’t see the struggle until after I retired and we had a huge blow up.

Junior and I both felt led to move to VA. We felt it at the same time. We moved originally for political reasons. As we settled here though, I began to realize that we were to move for other reasons as well. One of the reasons was to put some distance between me and a loved one. I started to see that this person didn’t really visit me. We saw each other at Christmas and visits kept getting further and further apart. Our conversations often turned into heated arguments. I think it was time to “let go, let God.”

I also felt that if I was to write, then I needed the “quietness” of being beyond rural. We settled in a very remote area. It was here I felt led to write my first book. It was here where I felt healing as I sat on the front porch. It was also here where I have met some wonderful women and a very good friend who will let me call her and bounce the latest my life has to work through. It is here I also find that “life will go on.”

At present I am involved with my book, the marketing end of it at this point. We are very involved in remodeling our new house. As I embrace these changes, I find my focus isn’t about the hurt in my heart. I am finding a way beyond the grief I have felt. I am letting go of another layer of hurt. God shows me over and over that He will take care of me – no matter what.

Aunt R comes to mind again. She never married. She is very eccentric. She disappears for weeks, months on end and then she shows up in your life. She is elderly at this point in her life. Her friends became concerned for her. They got her moved into a nursing home. In this I see again, that God will provide. He will make sure I have what I need. I believe in my heart He will make sure I will die at home even, because it means so much to me. Someone will step up that that plate when the day comes. I feel it deep in my being.

So I see that God has been tender, gentle and as I have been able to see and grow, He has given me the tools to grow with. I don’t see that God is “yelling” at me because I don’t get the point. I also feel that the “grieving” that was revealed to me is now another layer of healing. I feel that God told me that I was “grieving” so I that I realized that it was going to take a period of time to work the struggle through my system. As I am coming out of my grieving….I find a sense of energy again. I am taking fewer naps, I am moving about a lot more and I find things to be involved in. I wish these hurts weren’t there….still God has shown me yet again that He is faithful and will never tire of me.

I can’t seem to ask this enough…..Is there someone you need to make amends with?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet