November 27, 2010
Greetings My Friend,

Grief, I am dealing with grief again. My mind looks back a whole lot lately. Someone very close to me is extremely ill and soon may be gone. Memories crowd my thoughts of late. In my family anger is part of the memory process as well. I am trying to sort through the maze of “would of, could of and should of” feelings.

I’ve strived to not be a bother. I am open about my feelings and many find that to be un-productive in their opinion. They believe the way I grieve and handle life is negative. For me to move forward, I tend to pull back the layers and look at every nook and cranny. Once I have examined all angles, I am able to move out of extreme sadness. Right? Wrong? I don’t think there is a perfect way to handle grief, life in general. The best is Jesus and even in Jesus we come in all shapes and sizes. I find His huge comfortable arms wrapped around me at this point and I know that this intense hurt will be made bearable because of His love for me.

In the last few years many of our friends are becoming widows and widowers. Many of our parent’s have passed on and now we deal with new types of grief….siblings, aunts, uncles and friends. Even though I’ve walked through grief several times, each one makes me think again and again. An end to my life will come. Am I ready? The one who is passing on or the one that has passed, makes me wonder if I’ve said all I have needed to say, things like “I love you, I’m sorry or do you know Jesus?

As I go through the stages of grief, I wonder more and more about the afterlife. I remember as a young person thinking that walking with Jesus was too much work. I wanted to go have fun, do what I wanted to do, when I wanted and how I wanted. As I have gotten older though I find a walk with Jesus to be so important to me and I am lost without Him. Many people today try to say that a faith journey is baloney. It is a sign of weakness to have to believe something that in their opinion is not real. To me though, Jesus is as real as reality gets. Over and over I hear of findings where the Bible happenings are true and real. The Bible’s translation is 98% accurate to the original texts. That is thousands of years ago when it was written and it is that accurate. Shakespeare, Aristotle and what have you do not have that degree of accuracy. As I have entered into a serious faith journey I have found a peace I never knew before this precious walk I started. I do have my trials, I don’t have a “cake walk” life now and in fact sometimes it is even harder. Of late I have been focusing on Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gestheme. This prayer has been bringing me so much comfort of late. Jesus prayed, “Take this cup of suffering from me, not my will, but yours.”

Our Lord and Savior was afraid. He did not want to face the trail that was before Him and wanted to walk away from it. I hear again “not my will, but yours” He wanted to do the Father’s will, but was struggling mightily. For me, I focus on the pain He was about to endure. He suffered pain beyond belief. Junior says that our Lord was more upset because Jesus was going to be separated from the Father and that was unbearable to Him more so than the pain. Any way I look at it, our Lord was under extreme pain. He prayed this prayer three times. He really didn’t want to go through with the “hour of the cross.”

After the third time He prayed this prayer, our Father sent angels to comfort Jesus. This is where I find a huge comfort. Our Lord and Savior was terrified, did not want to do the job etc. Our Father in heaven knows that our walk can at times be painful, difficult to bear, to handle and to do. God the Father will give us what we need to face life. At present I need to face grief, extreme grief and our Father gives me friends who will let me talk, a counselor who helps me sort through the maze of feelings, a loving husband and some wonderful cats who snuggle me to no end.

I also reflect on another part of Scripture. This one says that “we are all members in Christ. One is an eye, another a foot and another a hand.” The point for me is that we are all very different and have very different roles to fulfill. I also reflect again on Junior and our trip to Wales. We were doing evangelism on the streets. I see him once more on a park bench eating his lunch. He is talking to some very rough looking people. He is comfortable with this crowd and he was bringing Jesus to these people. In no way can I begin to relate to these people. I have compassion etc, but I have no clue on how they think and operate. Junior like a lot of my family shuts doors when life is painful, people don’t like him. Me, I need to peel back the layers, explore, cry and then I am able to move on. That is me, not right, not wrong.

I have tried hard to not bother my family with my style of grieving, facing challenges and in the process of grief though I find that I am not exploring my feelings like I need to. If I want to move forward, I will need to explore, to settle in my mind the good, the bad and the ugly of my relationship with this person. Of late, I have heard in jest that life is not all about me. That is a very true statement and to be honest, I have been striving to not make “me” the center of everything. There are times though that we do need to make some things all about “us”. For me to move out of grief and despair, I need to say good-bye in my own special way. I need to let go in my own way. As I continue to allow Jesus into my heart, I find that my need is not to best the next person, my desire is to be more like my big brother Jesus.

My last encounter with this person was very unpleasant. As emotionally charged words kept being directed to me, Junior told me to be quiet. I listened and I then excused myself and headed for the car. On the way out, I walked over, hugged this person and said I love you.

I am so sad. This relationship never really “worked.” I’ve tried, they’ve tried, for some strange reason, it just never took off. We could never seem to get “past” the struggles that seemed to separate us. Inside me though, I have loved this person, we couldn't seem to connect and this makes me sad, still I have love for them.

Here goes the question again. Have you made amends, made the first attempt in healing a relationship? Have you forgiven? Again, forgiveness is more for you than the one you are forgiving.
Love this healing!
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet