July 31, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
My weddings vows come back to me again. “For better or for worse,” urrrrrr!!!! So I am married to my best friend in the whole world and today he is annoying me to no end. He has been short with me now for a couple of days. At first I thought he was tired, he has been working hard, some days not taking an afternoon nap. He needs his naps, his pain level tires him out, so he needs his naps. Today I hit the ceiling so to speak. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! Several people I talk with are short with me. LEAVE ME ALONE! I know I am annoying, really I am not trying to be but as people love to point out that I am annoying. LEAVE ME ALONE!
I take my shower and I shout my frustrations as loud as I can in the shower. I have gone over the edge so to speak. People don’t mind telling I am annoying and don’t seem to care that sometimes they annoy the day lights out of me. I need some peace here. I have my own struggles I am trying to work through. That does not seem to enter anyone’s mind either.
Father God, I need you! He seems to point me to my prayers. Again I learn “Father, help me to love those I find difficult to love.” Right now I feel a need to argue with our Lord. “Lord, I’ve been praying this prayer. It helps me. Lord I am not trying to be annoying and yet everyone around me is annoyed with me. This is HURTING!” Now our Father points me to the cross. This one hurts. I see our Lord Jesus bloodied, bruised and in pain. This hurts so very much. It seems that I need to realize that our Lord did suffer. He suffered for me, for all of us. He dealt with the pain of what others had done. He had done none of those things and yet He suffered much, for what we do to ourselves, to others. My heart begins to settle down. “OK, Lord.” I find myself going to the porch. It is sunny and warm. I see different views I love and try to take pictures. I feel the warmth and it feels nice. So now I ask, “How do I move on and out of this moment?”
One of the first things I do is writing, I’m writing my blog. Writing helps me move past things. As I write, I find my thoughts are starting to settle down. My husband has laid down for his nap. This helps too because he is tucked away some place and won’t do or say any annoying things for a while. That helps me to move forward. I begin to “let go.” I begin to focus on his good qualities. He has a generous heart which I adore. He is a hard worker I really appreciate that. He is creative and that means he goes about projects in a way that is “outside the box” which tests me greatly. I like to color inside the box. I like things done in an orderly fashion. That is my comfort level. I am married to someone who cannot do anything “inside the box!” I can allow myself to be continually irritated or I can learn to live with this man’s way of living. Slowly my heart is turning.
Then I think, “It’s not fair! I learn how to accept him and his ways, why can’t he accept me and the way I am?” Father God then reminds me of our Savior again, all bloodied, in pain. “Ok Father my heart says, I get it, sometimes I need to be the ‘whipping post’ for people. “ So I ask, “Lord help me move out of all of this anger.”
I look outside. The sun is shining. It is pretty green everywhere, I love green. I see a butterfly flit by. Slowly again I find peace settling into my being. Alex is curled up near me. He is always close to me. Sometimes he sits in my lap as I keyboard. That is a huge comfort. The quietness of the house fills me. I LOVE the quietness. There is peace in it for me. I sense my anger is leaving me again. This time I find I don’t need to argue with God. This time I feel ok with the world, even with the man I am married to.
He gets up from his nap. He is outside working again. I see him as he wanders by the window, the door and I am not upset. He has left me alone now for a good period of time. He hasn’t given me any more of his comments which help. Slowly I find a need to go out to “ooo and awe” over his latest project. He likes when I appreciate his work. Once more I am reminded that he may go about his work in a haphazard fashion. In the end we will have a pretty front yard, porch. He is very creative and it will be pretty of that I am sure. Getting there may be a challenge, when it is done, it will be so pretty.
It is time to go. We are going to a charity event. I need to get dressed. My heart is happy that we will leave and be friends. I hate going places when there is tension between us. The air has cleared and we are truly friends.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
July 24, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
As I write it is a Sunday late afternoon, early evening. I love reading a novel on Sunday afternoons. I even will lie down in bed to read. As I was drifting off to sleep my thoughts recalled a time long ago now. I was a Mom again to young ones. My thoughts took me through several scenes of being a mother that were pleasant to me.
My daughter and I loved to play inside her closet. She had a toy piano and we’d play that in there. It was fun, silly. I remember reading to the children. I read to them for many years at bed time. I got dramatic in the readings – it was fun for me. I read loudly for some reason. Down deep I think I knew my son had trouble hearing although it took us a while to really figure that out.
As the kids got older I kept hearing that I needed to start talking about “sex” early on. I had a medical book for parents and I would turn to the pages that showed the different stages of a baby growing inside the womb. I showed them that and then the kids kept asking me to go over it again and again.
Many days I took the kids for a walk. I love to take walks and I loved sharing this with them. One time we found an old can on the sidewalk. We started kicking the can down the street, chasing it and laughing all the while. An Aunt and Uncle drove by and later asked what we were doing. We laughed again as we re-told the story.
My Ex-Husband moved the TV down to the basement one year. I loved it. The front room was then our “quiet” room. Many evenings my daughter and I sat on the couch, knee to knee with one of Great Grandma’s blankets wrapped over us. That memory is so sweet to me.
We had only one bathroom in the home our children grew up in. Getting everyone in and out was often a challenge. We quickly learned to “share” bathroom time. Again this was sweet. We shared brushing our teeth, combing our hair and putting make up on. I loved it to be honest. We were able to connect in precious ways by brushing our teeth, combing our hair.
As I write, many, many more precious memories flood me. I also remember that home life was not always pleasant either. This part saddens me to no end. I can’t go back and “fix” it. I wish I could, I can’t. The loud screaming, the violent fights were frequent. They were not pleasant to live through. I even had the mistaken idea that if my kids saw me fight for them and in my mind I was, then they would respect me, even love me.
My children have scars. They have many scars. I know of a family that lived through a lot of nasty times as well. They were homeless at times, due to the lack of paying bills and they had a good paying job. These kids have scars. I also know of young families that have to share child rearing with an “Ex”. The “Ex” allows some very unwholesome living into their children’s lives. It is not pretty what the children have to deal with. There are also kids that deal with a parent “stepping out” on the other parent. They ask “Where is…..” because they are gone yet again. Many, many, many families live in hard times. Some are financial. Some are due to the parent’s crazy life styles. Even for me growing up was hard. Dad had polio, money was tight, and Mom had to earn the income when women did not work outside the home.
For me it took years and years to work my way out of all the dysfunction of my growing up. My Sister has the ability to let go of the memory, to not bring it back. For me, I struggled with letting it go. I went through a lot of counseling. I finally have been able to release the hurts more fully since I have begun a faith journey with the Lord Jesus. In Him, I found the love I was seeking. In Him, I found an acceptance of who I am. I sense God is teaching me to “let go.” I can’t go back and fix the wrongs done years ago. I feel God telling me to “get up” and “face the day.” I also feel God teaching me to reach out and love. For me, I believe God has me use “those memories” to reach out with. “Those memories,” are a tool. I am to meet the person where they are at, as God has met me where I was at. I have been able to move through more junk because God met me where I was at. As I allow God to “show me,” I am able to let go. As I let go, I find that I have the capacity to grow, move forward and reach out to others.
As Jesus ascended to heaven, he told the people to “Go forth and make disciples of every nation and tribe.” As a Christian, I feel compelled to reach out and love for Him. The kids that were homeless at times, they love their parents. I marvel at that. They accept what happened and they “let go” of the junk. They get together and have wonderful family times.
As I close, is there someone in your life you need to forgive? In the Lord’s Prayer there is a part that says, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” (Catholics say trespasses in place of debts and debtors). If we want God to forgive us, we need to forgive others. Who have you forgiven lately? Is it time?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
As I write it is a Sunday late afternoon, early evening. I love reading a novel on Sunday afternoons. I even will lie down in bed to read. As I was drifting off to sleep my thoughts recalled a time long ago now. I was a Mom again to young ones. My thoughts took me through several scenes of being a mother that were pleasant to me.
My daughter and I loved to play inside her closet. She had a toy piano and we’d play that in there. It was fun, silly. I remember reading to the children. I read to them for many years at bed time. I got dramatic in the readings – it was fun for me. I read loudly for some reason. Down deep I think I knew my son had trouble hearing although it took us a while to really figure that out.
As the kids got older I kept hearing that I needed to start talking about “sex” early on. I had a medical book for parents and I would turn to the pages that showed the different stages of a baby growing inside the womb. I showed them that and then the kids kept asking me to go over it again and again.
Many days I took the kids for a walk. I love to take walks and I loved sharing this with them. One time we found an old can on the sidewalk. We started kicking the can down the street, chasing it and laughing all the while. An Aunt and Uncle drove by and later asked what we were doing. We laughed again as we re-told the story.
My Ex-Husband moved the TV down to the basement one year. I loved it. The front room was then our “quiet” room. Many evenings my daughter and I sat on the couch, knee to knee with one of Great Grandma’s blankets wrapped over us. That memory is so sweet to me.
We had only one bathroom in the home our children grew up in. Getting everyone in and out was often a challenge. We quickly learned to “share” bathroom time. Again this was sweet. We shared brushing our teeth, combing our hair and putting make up on. I loved it to be honest. We were able to connect in precious ways by brushing our teeth, combing our hair.
As I write, many, many more precious memories flood me. I also remember that home life was not always pleasant either. This part saddens me to no end. I can’t go back and “fix” it. I wish I could, I can’t. The loud screaming, the violent fights were frequent. They were not pleasant to live through. I even had the mistaken idea that if my kids saw me fight for them and in my mind I was, then they would respect me, even love me.
My children have scars. They have many scars. I know of a family that lived through a lot of nasty times as well. They were homeless at times, due to the lack of paying bills and they had a good paying job. These kids have scars. I also know of young families that have to share child rearing with an “Ex”. The “Ex” allows some very unwholesome living into their children’s lives. It is not pretty what the children have to deal with. There are also kids that deal with a parent “stepping out” on the other parent. They ask “Where is…..” because they are gone yet again. Many, many, many families live in hard times. Some are financial. Some are due to the parent’s crazy life styles. Even for me growing up was hard. Dad had polio, money was tight, and Mom had to earn the income when women did not work outside the home.
For me it took years and years to work my way out of all the dysfunction of my growing up. My Sister has the ability to let go of the memory, to not bring it back. For me, I struggled with letting it go. I went through a lot of counseling. I finally have been able to release the hurts more fully since I have begun a faith journey with the Lord Jesus. In Him, I found the love I was seeking. In Him, I found an acceptance of who I am. I sense God is teaching me to “let go.” I can’t go back and fix the wrongs done years ago. I feel God telling me to “get up” and “face the day.” I also feel God teaching me to reach out and love. For me, I believe God has me use “those memories” to reach out with. “Those memories,” are a tool. I am to meet the person where they are at, as God has met me where I was at. I have been able to move through more junk because God met me where I was at. As I allow God to “show me,” I am able to let go. As I let go, I find that I have the capacity to grow, move forward and reach out to others.
As Jesus ascended to heaven, he told the people to “Go forth and make disciples of every nation and tribe.” As a Christian, I feel compelled to reach out and love for Him. The kids that were homeless at times, they love their parents. I marvel at that. They accept what happened and they “let go” of the junk. They get together and have wonderful family times.
As I close, is there someone in your life you need to forgive? In the Lord’s Prayer there is a part that says, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” (Catholics say trespasses in place of debts and debtors). If we want God to forgive us, we need to forgive others. Who have you forgiven lately? Is it time?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, July 16, 2010
July 17, 2010l
Greetings My Friend,
I was talking on the phone with someone who knows me fairly well. I was talking about how hard it is for me to keep the table free from clutter. Keeping the table free of clutter is one of those jobs where if I don’t stay on top of it, it gets out of control rather quickly. My husband is one who loves to live with clutter, he feels safe in his stuff and it crowding him out of space. This person doesn’t have to deal with that and it would drive her crazy if she had to live with this.
Mom, I finally got how she needed stuff cluttered around her in her final months of life. I had spent time cleaning out that house. I hauled stuff to the curb for months just getting rid of stuff. The bedroom stairs, when I moved in required hours of clearing things off. There were magazines from the 1960’s piled on the steps and I moved in 1996. There were things that we hadn’t used in years on those stairs. When I got upstairs, I found a dead bird, rotting on the floor.
When I finally got the house cleaned up and pretty, Mom would pile her newspaper up near her. She would move it around. She even did that in the hospital. She piled up the magazines, personal items and then she would move them around. There was something in the moving around that comforted her.
Aunt R, she is eccentric. She is extremely intelligent and eccentric. This woman had so much stuff that it crowded her out of her home. She could not shut the front door due to stuff. She had to move to another floor due to stuff. When we helped her clean out her home, we were going through bags and bags of clothes asking her which ones we could give away to the needy. She cried as she let us give things away. She felt comfortable with her stuff.
When I moved in with Junior I was amazed at his piles. He had piles everywhere. I also watched him move his piles so he could mop the floor. My heart loves this man beyond words. He treats me likes a precious gift. He opens doors for me. He will take care of me when I am sick. Junior had a step ladder as part of the décor, he needed something tall and the ladder fit the bill. My husband has a precious heart. He loves taking care of me. He touches me as if I am a precious gift. He talks to me so sweetly. He is also a clutter bug.
We were in MI recently. We were meeting someone. They got there before we did. She had a moment with the man in her life. He was frustrated. The two year old was acting up, as two year olds do. Dad took him out of the store. He was fussy, cranky and was hard to deal with. Dad had said some weird stuff and other people heard him. They had their comments about the scene. The wife was humiliated and the comments did not help. The person commenting did not know her husband. They formed their own thoughts. They voiced their thoughts out loud. The wife was even more discouraged. The comments were not received well. This woman now had to deal with her husband’s frustration And with the comments of those who were near on top of an out of control 2 year old.
These people did not know a whole lot of this couples life. He loves the two year old. He has agreed to be a parent to him even though he is not his child. The couple have been blending into a married couple – both having brought a child to the relationship. Married life is crazy enough with two children right off the bat and adds another whole dimension. Both husband and wife love the children, even though the kids do make life crazy at times. Sometimes life gets crazy and handling it is hard. We don’t always respond well – we can’t in every situation. Only as I learn to walk with Jesus, do I find I can handle things better more often.
The young lady was humiliated about the scene, about the comments. I was proud of her though, she was not going to accept other’s opinions of her husband. Me, for the longest time, I allowed other people’s comments to sway me. I allowed what other’s said to color how I looked at my husband.
As I heard once again how my friend could not live with my husband’s behavior, I could say with all honesty, “I love my husband.” He has warts, and who among us don’t. I would rather not deal with “clutter.” I love things neat and in place. It is beautiful to me. It would be easy to allow other’s comments to sway me. I don’t any longer. At this point I often reflect on my other life. My husband is a gem for the most part. He treats me so sweetly. I irritate him, he irritates me. It happens. I don’t want to go back to what I had in that other life. My husband loves me, treats me good and to me that is more important than a picture perfect home.
I also think God allows us to deal with certain things in life. For me I for years bought into the belief that if I could keep a perfect home, then I would be revered, loved beyond words. To be honest, it isn’t the picture perfect home that makes a home a home. I don’t believe we should live in filth. Still picture perfect isn’t really what makes a home a home. It is love that makes a home a home. I remember my mother-in-law. I miss that woman so much. She kept a perfectly clean home. She loved to cook. Being Polish, she made wonderful Polish meals. She loved to feed her family. They loved her food. She also sent them outside to play while she cleaned. They were not allowed in till she finished with her cleaning. To be honest, I believe that is where I got the idea that if I could figure out how to keep a wonderfully clean home that I’d be loved.
I think the lesson for me is that a picture perfect home is not what makes it a home. I am learning that as long as we are clean, keep the floors cleaned etc. and love each other life then is really a blessing. My husband is not filthy. He bathes regularly. He treats me with love and respect. At this point my heart says, “What more could I truly want?” Since I’ve been with Junior, I have been loved and I have been allowed to love him. I believe that loving Jesus first has brought us to a point of accepting each other, loving each other. When I did not know Jesus so intimately, I focused too much on looks and not the heart. With Jesus though, that heart message brings a whole new dimension to my life and to be honest – contentment. Like the young lady at the store with the out of control 2 year old, I find that I know my husband and don’t have to accept what other’s thoughts are.
My question, I do love questions don’t I? My question today, are you allowing other people’s thoughts to color your thoughts of someone in your life?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I was talking on the phone with someone who knows me fairly well. I was talking about how hard it is for me to keep the table free from clutter. Keeping the table free of clutter is one of those jobs where if I don’t stay on top of it, it gets out of control rather quickly. My husband is one who loves to live with clutter, he feels safe in his stuff and it crowding him out of space. This person doesn’t have to deal with that and it would drive her crazy if she had to live with this.
Mom, I finally got how she needed stuff cluttered around her in her final months of life. I had spent time cleaning out that house. I hauled stuff to the curb for months just getting rid of stuff. The bedroom stairs, when I moved in required hours of clearing things off. There were magazines from the 1960’s piled on the steps and I moved in 1996. There were things that we hadn’t used in years on those stairs. When I got upstairs, I found a dead bird, rotting on the floor.
When I finally got the house cleaned up and pretty, Mom would pile her newspaper up near her. She would move it around. She even did that in the hospital. She piled up the magazines, personal items and then she would move them around. There was something in the moving around that comforted her.
Aunt R, she is eccentric. She is extremely intelligent and eccentric. This woman had so much stuff that it crowded her out of her home. She could not shut the front door due to stuff. She had to move to another floor due to stuff. When we helped her clean out her home, we were going through bags and bags of clothes asking her which ones we could give away to the needy. She cried as she let us give things away. She felt comfortable with her stuff.
When I moved in with Junior I was amazed at his piles. He had piles everywhere. I also watched him move his piles so he could mop the floor. My heart loves this man beyond words. He treats me likes a precious gift. He opens doors for me. He will take care of me when I am sick. Junior had a step ladder as part of the décor, he needed something tall and the ladder fit the bill. My husband has a precious heart. He loves taking care of me. He touches me as if I am a precious gift. He talks to me so sweetly. He is also a clutter bug.
We were in MI recently. We were meeting someone. They got there before we did. She had a moment with the man in her life. He was frustrated. The two year old was acting up, as two year olds do. Dad took him out of the store. He was fussy, cranky and was hard to deal with. Dad had said some weird stuff and other people heard him. They had their comments about the scene. The wife was humiliated and the comments did not help. The person commenting did not know her husband. They formed their own thoughts. They voiced their thoughts out loud. The wife was even more discouraged. The comments were not received well. This woman now had to deal with her husband’s frustration And with the comments of those who were near on top of an out of control 2 year old.
These people did not know a whole lot of this couples life. He loves the two year old. He has agreed to be a parent to him even though he is not his child. The couple have been blending into a married couple – both having brought a child to the relationship. Married life is crazy enough with two children right off the bat and adds another whole dimension. Both husband and wife love the children, even though the kids do make life crazy at times. Sometimes life gets crazy and handling it is hard. We don’t always respond well – we can’t in every situation. Only as I learn to walk with Jesus, do I find I can handle things better more often.
The young lady was humiliated about the scene, about the comments. I was proud of her though, she was not going to accept other’s opinions of her husband. Me, for the longest time, I allowed other people’s comments to sway me. I allowed what other’s said to color how I looked at my husband.
As I heard once again how my friend could not live with my husband’s behavior, I could say with all honesty, “I love my husband.” He has warts, and who among us don’t. I would rather not deal with “clutter.” I love things neat and in place. It is beautiful to me. It would be easy to allow other’s comments to sway me. I don’t any longer. At this point I often reflect on my other life. My husband is a gem for the most part. He treats me so sweetly. I irritate him, he irritates me. It happens. I don’t want to go back to what I had in that other life. My husband loves me, treats me good and to me that is more important than a picture perfect home.
I also think God allows us to deal with certain things in life. For me I for years bought into the belief that if I could keep a perfect home, then I would be revered, loved beyond words. To be honest, it isn’t the picture perfect home that makes a home a home. I don’t believe we should live in filth. Still picture perfect isn’t really what makes a home a home. It is love that makes a home a home. I remember my mother-in-law. I miss that woman so much. She kept a perfectly clean home. She loved to cook. Being Polish, she made wonderful Polish meals. She loved to feed her family. They loved her food. She also sent them outside to play while she cleaned. They were not allowed in till she finished with her cleaning. To be honest, I believe that is where I got the idea that if I could figure out how to keep a wonderfully clean home that I’d be loved.
I think the lesson for me is that a picture perfect home is not what makes it a home. I am learning that as long as we are clean, keep the floors cleaned etc. and love each other life then is really a blessing. My husband is not filthy. He bathes regularly. He treats me with love and respect. At this point my heart says, “What more could I truly want?” Since I’ve been with Junior, I have been loved and I have been allowed to love him. I believe that loving Jesus first has brought us to a point of accepting each other, loving each other. When I did not know Jesus so intimately, I focused too much on looks and not the heart. With Jesus though, that heart message brings a whole new dimension to my life and to be honest – contentment. Like the young lady at the store with the out of control 2 year old, I find that I know my husband and don’t have to accept what other’s thoughts are.
My question, I do love questions don’t I? My question today, are you allowing other people’s thoughts to color your thoughts of someone in your life?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, July 9, 2010
July 10, 2010
Greetings my Friend,
Sometimes Scriptures seem to speak profoundly to me. This week as I was reading through the Bible I had this verse strike me. It is 1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
As I strive to change from who I once was to whom I am in Christ, I find a need to change myself from the inside. It seems to me if I want to have a lasting change in my personality then I must change from the inside. Somewhere in my faith journey it occurred to me that God truly knows my motives, my thoughts the deepest parts of me. For the most part I haven’t minded God to know me that intimately. If I am going to walk with the Lord then I needed to realize that God knows things about me, even Junior don’t. That can be a little daunting at times.
Have you ever had someone in your life that is just……bothersome. You may treat them with respect, you may not say mean things, but you find them hard to deal with? I remember when I was a young person talking with my Mother one time. I mentioned that this person was a bother and I did not care for them. She told me that person knows how I felt. I thought it weird, because I never told them that I did not care for them. I tried to speak respectfully to them. I just tried to end the conversation quickly and then excuse myself whenever they were around. Years later, I “got it”. There always seemed to be an underlying tension between us. They sensed how I felt even though I never said so.
God knows what we think, how we think and I find that I need to “face” my thoughts head on. If there is someone I struggle with then I need to deal with my internal thoughts on them. This trait was extremely difficult to overcome in my nature. First off I am a people pleaser. I don’t deal with not being liked well at all. I don’t want a confrontation either. I try to walk away from a problem rather than “turn and face” it. My past plays heavy into this. For me being up front was generally a fight. Sometimes the fight was an argument that was loud and abrasive. Sometimes the fight was physical. As soon as harsh words appeared, I began trying to smooth things over in an attempt to avoid a confrontation.
Actually as a kid, I was ready to punch anyone who disagreed with me. As I kept running into people who were stronger than me, I began to go the other way. Neither way was really working for me. Only as I entered into counseling and later began a faith walk, have I really been able to deal with my confrontation struggles. To be honest, I’m still not “there” yet. I am better, not fully able to deal with these types of struggles. Our faith journey tends to be a “journey” not an “I’ve arrived” way of life.
One year I was a helper at 5th and 6th grade church camp. Even at these kids camps I found times where I learned wonderful lessons. When I was a youth advisor, I learned that boys had feelings. This time at camp we were studying the 10 commandments. I learned a phrase that still sticks with me. It is “truth in love.” This camp was many years ago and this phrase will still come back to me and I find things I learn from it.
My Mom often taught me about “white lies.” Mom did not want to hurt someone’s feelings and felt that a white lie was ok. I bought into this thought process for a good many years. I also found times where it really didn’t do the trick as well. When I learned “truth in love,” I began to attempt to do just that, tell the truth in a loving way. The weird thing is Mom could also hand out a tongue lashing that would knock your socks off.
In my former marriage, I had adopted a “rough” way of talking. I remember Junior telling me one time after we were married that I did not need to speak so harshly. That one blew me away too. I thought I was funny. Many times the people at work would laugh at me. They encouraged me because I tended to cave in and allow the Loan Officers to try to slip in “just one more,” transaction when we were trying to balance out for the night. I needed to learn the word “no” so that we could go home. We all had to stay until we were balanced out.
My old co-workers taught me so much. I learned that I was valuable. They taught me how not to put up with stuff I should not have had to deal with. I believe in my heart that God sent me to work at the bank and gave me wonderful teachers who taught me many lessons on life. I had managers who promoted me and taught me that I had value and worth. I had friends who would walk with me and from them I learned so many wonderful lessons. As I went through my divorce, I found that Jesus was my friend and I believe my old co-workers were part of my ability to face the trials of life in divorce.
As I learned how to tell people what I really thought in a loving way, I found that the “white lies” were going away. I found people responding to my loving comments well and that encouraged me to continue on. It is strange in the last while people will tell me that I have a “strong” personality. They say I speak my mind. I am usually very surprised because I still see me as a weak and un-effective person. I no longer talk “rough” either. I also still have moments where my insides are tied up in knots. Even so, I will stick with the “truth” and not try to “whitewash” it. To be honest, I like me better when I always stick with the truth. The “white lies” don’t really get to the bottom of the problem and have a way of cropping up again and again. The truth seems to resolve things better and the problem doesn’t tend to come back over and over.
I want to say it one more time “truth in love.” Is it time you began this journey?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings my Friend,
Sometimes Scriptures seem to speak profoundly to me. This week as I was reading through the Bible I had this verse strike me. It is 1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
As I strive to change from who I once was to whom I am in Christ, I find a need to change myself from the inside. It seems to me if I want to have a lasting change in my personality then I must change from the inside. Somewhere in my faith journey it occurred to me that God truly knows my motives, my thoughts the deepest parts of me. For the most part I haven’t minded God to know me that intimately. If I am going to walk with the Lord then I needed to realize that God knows things about me, even Junior don’t. That can be a little daunting at times.
Have you ever had someone in your life that is just……bothersome. You may treat them with respect, you may not say mean things, but you find them hard to deal with? I remember when I was a young person talking with my Mother one time. I mentioned that this person was a bother and I did not care for them. She told me that person knows how I felt. I thought it weird, because I never told them that I did not care for them. I tried to speak respectfully to them. I just tried to end the conversation quickly and then excuse myself whenever they were around. Years later, I “got it”. There always seemed to be an underlying tension between us. They sensed how I felt even though I never said so.
God knows what we think, how we think and I find that I need to “face” my thoughts head on. If there is someone I struggle with then I need to deal with my internal thoughts on them. This trait was extremely difficult to overcome in my nature. First off I am a people pleaser. I don’t deal with not being liked well at all. I don’t want a confrontation either. I try to walk away from a problem rather than “turn and face” it. My past plays heavy into this. For me being up front was generally a fight. Sometimes the fight was an argument that was loud and abrasive. Sometimes the fight was physical. As soon as harsh words appeared, I began trying to smooth things over in an attempt to avoid a confrontation.
Actually as a kid, I was ready to punch anyone who disagreed with me. As I kept running into people who were stronger than me, I began to go the other way. Neither way was really working for me. Only as I entered into counseling and later began a faith walk, have I really been able to deal with my confrontation struggles. To be honest, I’m still not “there” yet. I am better, not fully able to deal with these types of struggles. Our faith journey tends to be a “journey” not an “I’ve arrived” way of life.
One year I was a helper at 5th and 6th grade church camp. Even at these kids camps I found times where I learned wonderful lessons. When I was a youth advisor, I learned that boys had feelings. This time at camp we were studying the 10 commandments. I learned a phrase that still sticks with me. It is “truth in love.” This camp was many years ago and this phrase will still come back to me and I find things I learn from it.
My Mom often taught me about “white lies.” Mom did not want to hurt someone’s feelings and felt that a white lie was ok. I bought into this thought process for a good many years. I also found times where it really didn’t do the trick as well. When I learned “truth in love,” I began to attempt to do just that, tell the truth in a loving way. The weird thing is Mom could also hand out a tongue lashing that would knock your socks off.
In my former marriage, I had adopted a “rough” way of talking. I remember Junior telling me one time after we were married that I did not need to speak so harshly. That one blew me away too. I thought I was funny. Many times the people at work would laugh at me. They encouraged me because I tended to cave in and allow the Loan Officers to try to slip in “just one more,” transaction when we were trying to balance out for the night. I needed to learn the word “no” so that we could go home. We all had to stay until we were balanced out.
My old co-workers taught me so much. I learned that I was valuable. They taught me how not to put up with stuff I should not have had to deal with. I believe in my heart that God sent me to work at the bank and gave me wonderful teachers who taught me many lessons on life. I had managers who promoted me and taught me that I had value and worth. I had friends who would walk with me and from them I learned so many wonderful lessons. As I went through my divorce, I found that Jesus was my friend and I believe my old co-workers were part of my ability to face the trials of life in divorce.
As I learned how to tell people what I really thought in a loving way, I found that the “white lies” were going away. I found people responding to my loving comments well and that encouraged me to continue on. It is strange in the last while people will tell me that I have a “strong” personality. They say I speak my mind. I am usually very surprised because I still see me as a weak and un-effective person. I no longer talk “rough” either. I also still have moments where my insides are tied up in knots. Even so, I will stick with the “truth” and not try to “whitewash” it. To be honest, I like me better when I always stick with the truth. The “white lies” don’t really get to the bottom of the problem and have a way of cropping up again and again. The truth seems to resolve things better and the problem doesn’t tend to come back over and over.
I want to say it one more time “truth in love.” Is it time you began this journey?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, July 2, 2010
July 3, 2010
Greeting My Friend,
A Scripture passage often reveals itself over and over to me. I ponder it often. It is Ephesians 5:28 “in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
First off I find myself thinking that we feed our bodies, some us more generously than others, still we feed our bodies. For awhile I was so distraught with life. I at one point got very scary thin. As the struggles of life got to me food would seem to be hard to swallow. I remember sitting in church on our wooden pews and it hurt my backbone – I was that thin.
Eating was a chore for me. Food was very unappealing, even though I was under weight, I did not care. The problems of life weighed as heavily on me as a ton of bricks on my back. I also thought that I was attractive so thin. Years later when I saw pictures of me, I thought that I looked old. At the time though, I did not see me the way others saw me.
If we love ourselves, care for ourselves we feed ourselves, we are clean, we wear clean clothes, neat not torn and a shamble – in day to day life. We do wear clothes to work in and those would be torn, ripped etc, but day to day wearing neat and clean clothes are the norm. When we are clean and for the most part neat, we show the world that we care for our bodies.
I remember as a young person stating that if we took care of our bodies, our bodies would take care of us. As a believer now, I believe if we take care of our body then we are honoring God. When we care for our body then we also don’t invite a lot of disease to live in us. As we get older many of us find that the choices we made early in life come back to haunt us. High School football players often deal with an old “football injury”. My job at the bank has shown itself in my neck. The way I held my head, twisted my neck for 20 some years as I worked on a computer now shows up with arthritis pain. There are times I feel my hands go numb. I sometimes struggle with carpel tunnel problems. Many people have diabetes due to the way they chose to eat. Smokers, how many of us take up that habit as a young person. All you have to do is look at the older generation and see what smoking does. Mom died of emphysema, Dad died of bladder cancer, and Grandpa C died of a heart attack – all of them heavy smokers.
I have marveled at Junior since the first time I met him. This time I marvel at how well he moves around and in general does life. Junior is an amputee. Junior messed his back up at work and also his amputation contributes to a lot of problems with his back. For twenty or more years Junior gets up most mornings and exercises his back. Junior also has awesome biceps, a defined chest and attractive abs. Who would blame Junior if he wanted to park himself in a recliner and check out on life? He doesn’t though. He has taken supplements, exercised and ate well. Because he cared for his body, he can stay involved in life. Does he have bad days? Yes he does, not very often though.
When we first were married, I remember Junior setting some supplements before me as we ate dinner. I thought it was weird. The test of time has shown me that they work. I need only to look at Junior and see what they have done for him. Junior was not expecting me to do something he would not do. I appreciate that.
For many years I felt I was to be a trophy pretty wife. The man did not have to be clean, or attractive, but I had to be for the man. I really appreciate Junior caring about his looks and I strive to be as neat and clean as he is. I don’t mind being his trophy wife because he cares enough to look nice for me. The fun thing is I often hear people tell me that we look good together. That makes me so happy. We look good and we feel good together. It is a blessing beyond words. Junior cares for me as he cares for his body. I like that a whole lot. I feel precious. I feel loved. I feel wanted all because Junior takes care of his body.
I remember asking my Doctor why “me” when she told me I had cancer. I tried to eat right, exercise, in general take care of my body. I thought it unfair. My Doctor told me that because I did take care of my body, I would be able to move through cancer better. My body had the power to heal because I had tried to take care of myself. I hung on to that statement as I struggled with radiation. Since cancer I have struggled to regain a sense of energy. To be honest I haven’t had any in years. A friend recently suggested that I look into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I am starting to implement some of the changes that have been suggested and some days I have more energy now than I have had in years. I am taking some new supplements and slowly I find an energy level coming back I have not had since before cancer.
I believe that a life time of stress has finally caught up with me. God has been so wonderful at times in these last years. I have cried and He has given me wonderful hugs. He placed me with Junior and to be honest, I have felt the safest I have with another man these many years. My friends M & K have stood beside me in the lowest of moments through many years of life. Counseling has helped. The real healing in my life has been Jesus. The more I trust Jesus I am in awe because He has always been faithful. Our accountability groups have been wonderful. God has given me as I was able to accept them, the tools to walk away from stress.
Now I work on healing. It comes too slowly at times. I am frustrated and discouraged. I am also content. That’s the weird thing is the contentment I feel. It is not money. It is not a fancy home, nice clothes that brings me satisfaction these days. Real joy, contentment has been a walk with Jesus. He seems to know what I need and when I need it. As I trust and as I learn to hear and then do, well life is a joy.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greeting My Friend,
A Scripture passage often reveals itself over and over to me. I ponder it often. It is Ephesians 5:28 “in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
First off I find myself thinking that we feed our bodies, some us more generously than others, still we feed our bodies. For awhile I was so distraught with life. I at one point got very scary thin. As the struggles of life got to me food would seem to be hard to swallow. I remember sitting in church on our wooden pews and it hurt my backbone – I was that thin.
Eating was a chore for me. Food was very unappealing, even though I was under weight, I did not care. The problems of life weighed as heavily on me as a ton of bricks on my back. I also thought that I was attractive so thin. Years later when I saw pictures of me, I thought that I looked old. At the time though, I did not see me the way others saw me.
If we love ourselves, care for ourselves we feed ourselves, we are clean, we wear clean clothes, neat not torn and a shamble – in day to day life. We do wear clothes to work in and those would be torn, ripped etc, but day to day wearing neat and clean clothes are the norm. When we are clean and for the most part neat, we show the world that we care for our bodies.
I remember as a young person stating that if we took care of our bodies, our bodies would take care of us. As a believer now, I believe if we take care of our body then we are honoring God. When we care for our body then we also don’t invite a lot of disease to live in us. As we get older many of us find that the choices we made early in life come back to haunt us. High School football players often deal with an old “football injury”. My job at the bank has shown itself in my neck. The way I held my head, twisted my neck for 20 some years as I worked on a computer now shows up with arthritis pain. There are times I feel my hands go numb. I sometimes struggle with carpel tunnel problems. Many people have diabetes due to the way they chose to eat. Smokers, how many of us take up that habit as a young person. All you have to do is look at the older generation and see what smoking does. Mom died of emphysema, Dad died of bladder cancer, and Grandpa C died of a heart attack – all of them heavy smokers.
I have marveled at Junior since the first time I met him. This time I marvel at how well he moves around and in general does life. Junior is an amputee. Junior messed his back up at work and also his amputation contributes to a lot of problems with his back. For twenty or more years Junior gets up most mornings and exercises his back. Junior also has awesome biceps, a defined chest and attractive abs. Who would blame Junior if he wanted to park himself in a recliner and check out on life? He doesn’t though. He has taken supplements, exercised and ate well. Because he cared for his body, he can stay involved in life. Does he have bad days? Yes he does, not very often though.
When we first were married, I remember Junior setting some supplements before me as we ate dinner. I thought it was weird. The test of time has shown me that they work. I need only to look at Junior and see what they have done for him. Junior was not expecting me to do something he would not do. I appreciate that.
For many years I felt I was to be a trophy pretty wife. The man did not have to be clean, or attractive, but I had to be for the man. I really appreciate Junior caring about his looks and I strive to be as neat and clean as he is. I don’t mind being his trophy wife because he cares enough to look nice for me. The fun thing is I often hear people tell me that we look good together. That makes me so happy. We look good and we feel good together. It is a blessing beyond words. Junior cares for me as he cares for his body. I like that a whole lot. I feel precious. I feel loved. I feel wanted all because Junior takes care of his body.
I remember asking my Doctor why “me” when she told me I had cancer. I tried to eat right, exercise, in general take care of my body. I thought it unfair. My Doctor told me that because I did take care of my body, I would be able to move through cancer better. My body had the power to heal because I had tried to take care of myself. I hung on to that statement as I struggled with radiation. Since cancer I have struggled to regain a sense of energy. To be honest I haven’t had any in years. A friend recently suggested that I look into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I am starting to implement some of the changes that have been suggested and some days I have more energy now than I have had in years. I am taking some new supplements and slowly I find an energy level coming back I have not had since before cancer.
I believe that a life time of stress has finally caught up with me. God has been so wonderful at times in these last years. I have cried and He has given me wonderful hugs. He placed me with Junior and to be honest, I have felt the safest I have with another man these many years. My friends M & K have stood beside me in the lowest of moments through many years of life. Counseling has helped. The real healing in my life has been Jesus. The more I trust Jesus I am in awe because He has always been faithful. Our accountability groups have been wonderful. God has given me as I was able to accept them, the tools to walk away from stress.
Now I work on healing. It comes too slowly at times. I am frustrated and discouraged. I am also content. That’s the weird thing is the contentment I feel. It is not money. It is not a fancy home, nice clothes that brings me satisfaction these days. Real joy, contentment has been a walk with Jesus. He seems to know what I need and when I need it. As I trust and as I learn to hear and then do, well life is a joy.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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