July 24, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
As I write it is a Sunday late afternoon, early evening. I love reading a novel on Sunday afternoons. I even will lie down in bed to read. As I was drifting off to sleep my thoughts recalled a time long ago now. I was a Mom again to young ones. My thoughts took me through several scenes of being a mother that were pleasant to me.
My daughter and I loved to play inside her closet. She had a toy piano and we’d play that in there. It was fun, silly. I remember reading to the children. I read to them for many years at bed time. I got dramatic in the readings – it was fun for me. I read loudly for some reason. Down deep I think I knew my son had trouble hearing although it took us a while to really figure that out.
As the kids got older I kept hearing that I needed to start talking about “sex” early on. I had a medical book for parents and I would turn to the pages that showed the different stages of a baby growing inside the womb. I showed them that and then the kids kept asking me to go over it again and again.
Many days I took the kids for a walk. I love to take walks and I loved sharing this with them. One time we found an old can on the sidewalk. We started kicking the can down the street, chasing it and laughing all the while. An Aunt and Uncle drove by and later asked what we were doing. We laughed again as we re-told the story.
My Ex-Husband moved the TV down to the basement one year. I loved it. The front room was then our “quiet” room. Many evenings my daughter and I sat on the couch, knee to knee with one of Great Grandma’s blankets wrapped over us. That memory is so sweet to me.
We had only one bathroom in the home our children grew up in. Getting everyone in and out was often a challenge. We quickly learned to “share” bathroom time. Again this was sweet. We shared brushing our teeth, combing our hair and putting make up on. I loved it to be honest. We were able to connect in precious ways by brushing our teeth, combing our hair.
As I write, many, many more precious memories flood me. I also remember that home life was not always pleasant either. This part saddens me to no end. I can’t go back and “fix” it. I wish I could, I can’t. The loud screaming, the violent fights were frequent. They were not pleasant to live through. I even had the mistaken idea that if my kids saw me fight for them and in my mind I was, then they would respect me, even love me.
My children have scars. They have many scars. I know of a family that lived through a lot of nasty times as well. They were homeless at times, due to the lack of paying bills and they had a good paying job. These kids have scars. I also know of young families that have to share child rearing with an “Ex”. The “Ex” allows some very unwholesome living into their children’s lives. It is not pretty what the children have to deal with. There are also kids that deal with a parent “stepping out” on the other parent. They ask “Where is…..” because they are gone yet again. Many, many, many families live in hard times. Some are financial. Some are due to the parent’s crazy life styles. Even for me growing up was hard. Dad had polio, money was tight, and Mom had to earn the income when women did not work outside the home.
For me it took years and years to work my way out of all the dysfunction of my growing up. My Sister has the ability to let go of the memory, to not bring it back. For me, I struggled with letting it go. I went through a lot of counseling. I finally have been able to release the hurts more fully since I have begun a faith journey with the Lord Jesus. In Him, I found the love I was seeking. In Him, I found an acceptance of who I am. I sense God is teaching me to “let go.” I can’t go back and fix the wrongs done years ago. I feel God telling me to “get up” and “face the day.” I also feel God teaching me to reach out and love. For me, I believe God has me use “those memories” to reach out with. “Those memories,” are a tool. I am to meet the person where they are at, as God has met me where I was at. I have been able to move through more junk because God met me where I was at. As I allow God to “show me,” I am able to let go. As I let go, I find that I have the capacity to grow, move forward and reach out to others.
As Jesus ascended to heaven, he told the people to “Go forth and make disciples of every nation and tribe.” As a Christian, I feel compelled to reach out and love for Him. The kids that were homeless at times, they love their parents. I marvel at that. They accept what happened and they “let go” of the junk. They get together and have wonderful family times.
As I close, is there someone in your life you need to forgive? In the Lord’s Prayer there is a part that says, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” (Catholics say trespasses in place of debts and debtors). If we want God to forgive us, we need to forgive others. Who have you forgiven lately? Is it time?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet