July 10, 2010
Greetings my Friend,
Sometimes Scriptures seem to speak profoundly to me. This week as I was reading through the Bible I had this verse strike me. It is 1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
As I strive to change from who I once was to whom I am in Christ, I find a need to change myself from the inside. It seems to me if I want to have a lasting change in my personality then I must change from the inside. Somewhere in my faith journey it occurred to me that God truly knows my motives, my thoughts the deepest parts of me. For the most part I haven’t minded God to know me that intimately. If I am going to walk with the Lord then I needed to realize that God knows things about me, even Junior don’t. That can be a little daunting at times.
Have you ever had someone in your life that is just……bothersome. You may treat them with respect, you may not say mean things, but you find them hard to deal with? I remember when I was a young person talking with my Mother one time. I mentioned that this person was a bother and I did not care for them. She told me that person knows how I felt. I thought it weird, because I never told them that I did not care for them. I tried to speak respectfully to them. I just tried to end the conversation quickly and then excuse myself whenever they were around. Years later, I “got it”. There always seemed to be an underlying tension between us. They sensed how I felt even though I never said so.
God knows what we think, how we think and I find that I need to “face” my thoughts head on. If there is someone I struggle with then I need to deal with my internal thoughts on them. This trait was extremely difficult to overcome in my nature. First off I am a people pleaser. I don’t deal with not being liked well at all. I don’t want a confrontation either. I try to walk away from a problem rather than “turn and face” it. My past plays heavy into this. For me being up front was generally a fight. Sometimes the fight was an argument that was loud and abrasive. Sometimes the fight was physical. As soon as harsh words appeared, I began trying to smooth things over in an attempt to avoid a confrontation.
Actually as a kid, I was ready to punch anyone who disagreed with me. As I kept running into people who were stronger than me, I began to go the other way. Neither way was really working for me. Only as I entered into counseling and later began a faith walk, have I really been able to deal with my confrontation struggles. To be honest, I’m still not “there” yet. I am better, not fully able to deal with these types of struggles. Our faith journey tends to be a “journey” not an “I’ve arrived” way of life.
One year I was a helper at 5th and 6th grade church camp. Even at these kids camps I found times where I learned wonderful lessons. When I was a youth advisor, I learned that boys had feelings. This time at camp we were studying the 10 commandments. I learned a phrase that still sticks with me. It is “truth in love.” This camp was many years ago and this phrase will still come back to me and I find things I learn from it.
My Mom often taught me about “white lies.” Mom did not want to hurt someone’s feelings and felt that a white lie was ok. I bought into this thought process for a good many years. I also found times where it really didn’t do the trick as well. When I learned “truth in love,” I began to attempt to do just that, tell the truth in a loving way. The weird thing is Mom could also hand out a tongue lashing that would knock your socks off.
In my former marriage, I had adopted a “rough” way of talking. I remember Junior telling me one time after we were married that I did not need to speak so harshly. That one blew me away too. I thought I was funny. Many times the people at work would laugh at me. They encouraged me because I tended to cave in and allow the Loan Officers to try to slip in “just one more,” transaction when we were trying to balance out for the night. I needed to learn the word “no” so that we could go home. We all had to stay until we were balanced out.
My old co-workers taught me so much. I learned that I was valuable. They taught me how not to put up with stuff I should not have had to deal with. I believe in my heart that God sent me to work at the bank and gave me wonderful teachers who taught me many lessons on life. I had managers who promoted me and taught me that I had value and worth. I had friends who would walk with me and from them I learned so many wonderful lessons. As I went through my divorce, I found that Jesus was my friend and I believe my old co-workers were part of my ability to face the trials of life in divorce.
As I learned how to tell people what I really thought in a loving way, I found that the “white lies” were going away. I found people responding to my loving comments well and that encouraged me to continue on. It is strange in the last while people will tell me that I have a “strong” personality. They say I speak my mind. I am usually very surprised because I still see me as a weak and un-effective person. I no longer talk “rough” either. I also still have moments where my insides are tied up in knots. Even so, I will stick with the “truth” and not try to “whitewash” it. To be honest, I like me better when I always stick with the truth. The “white lies” don’t really get to the bottom of the problem and have a way of cropping up again and again. The truth seems to resolve things better and the problem doesn’t tend to come back over and over.
I want to say it one more time “truth in love.” Is it time you began this journey?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet