March 27, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
I can still hear my Parents telling me….”Janet, you are the oldest, you must set the example.” My Dad would also tell me, “You are not to blemish the Rogers name.” Many times my parents would leave and I was in charge. It is hard to be in charge when you are barely older than those you are to be in charge of. It is hard to be in charge when you are smaller physically than those you are in charge of as well. I am 11 months older than my sister and two years and four days older than our brother.
One time my parents left for the evening. I was to have my sister come in and get ready for bed while they were gone. She did not want to come in. She stood at the door and kept talking – outside. I told her, I yelled at her and then in frustration, I slammed my fist on the door. I wasn’t looking and put it through the window…had to have stitches.
One verse I read is, Ephesians 5:1-2 “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” This Scripture often speaks volumes to me. We are to imitate God. We are to love as God loves us. We are to be an example to an unbelieving world.
My example at home was not always clear. When I acted up, I usually got slapped, sometimes shoved down and slapped in the face with a knee in my chest. I was to set the example, the example I got was violent. If violence was done to me….I then used violence. My Dad would lecture me to no end about my violent temper and he never seemed to see that I learned my violence from him.
Another lesson I was given by my Dad was, “You are who you hang out with.” My Dad told me he did not want me to hang out at the creek. “Bad” kids did real bad stuff down at the creek. What “bad” was I am not sure, but I remember not going to the creek and hanging out. I also remember the bathrooms in high school. That’s where the smokers hung out. Kids who were smoking pot and doing drugs hung out there too. I was terrified of the bathrooms. I held my urge to go, till I went home, so I wouldn’t be in the bathroom. I was sure I’d be caught, get into trouble and a phobia about being bad was bred into me. I still struggle with being bad. I drive Junior crazy because I don’t want to get into trouble.
We were going to the bank on a Saturday and the bank was closed. He turned into the driveway the wrong way. In my head I could hear the sirens and see us getting a ticket. Junior was irritated with me. I was scared. My phobias are well ingrained at this point.
My sister and brother often called me “Goody two shoes.” I irritated them because of my compulsion to not be bad. I didn’t want to be bad and hopefully I would be saved from a beating. I did not like being hit, beat or making my parents upset.
Still, there was some truth to what Dad taught me. When I had kids, I tried desperately to set the example. I remember I wanted them to wear a hat in the winter. They wouldn’t, so I started to wear a hat. They then started to wear their hat without the struggle. Set the example…it worked.
Next I think about “We are who we hang out with.” That lesson is ingrained in me too. If I hung out with kids who stole, cheated, then more than likely, I would soon give into that type of behavior. In high school I met a guy and dated him. He was using drugs. He appealed to me. He had the nerve to go against the grain. I remember being at his house one day and he yelled at his mother…used the “F” word. Boy, if I had done that, I would have had my face slapped, then the other parent would have torn into me.
Within a couple of years of dating this guy…I tried drugs. I drank. I soon was doing some not “good” for me behavior. I even was getting sexually involved. I felt so grown up. When we married, I continued on for a while. I got pregnant and then my thinking was, if they see me using what I considered not bad drugs, would they then think heroin would be ok? That was my thinking. I stopped smoking pot. I wanted to “set” the example. I also found that when I used drugs, drank too much that I was doing stuff I didn’t like. I would not have done these things if I were straight. I didn’t like “me” that way. I gave up a lot of that behavior because I didn’t like the way it felt.
I never finished college. I did get a couple of years in, didn’t finish. As I entered the work force I found that many college educated people liked me. I always found that weird. Again, I began to see “we are who we hang out with.”
Junior was a real “bad” guy. He would have scared me had I known him in the day. As he began his faith journey, he changed his behavior. He didn’t care if he killed, beat someone up etc. Now, Junior is so tender, caring. He can have a gruff way of talking, but he is a tender hearted man, I know, I see it in action all the time. As Junior walked more with Jesus, his friends began to change. He now has very good friends, who respect him, love him. He is amazing. One of these days, I may write out his life story, his changes are that astounding.
In business, I remember being told that it was important to be seen with the “right” people. The “right” people were the ones who influenced the boss, etc. I decided to be the best I could be. As I developed my faith, I wanted to “work” as onto the Lord. I wanted God to be proud of me. I tried not to bring home pens, rubber bands etc. I tried to show up to work when I was to be there, not calling off all the time. At this point in my life, my goal is to make God proud of me.
My question is…..who are you hanging out with….are they good examples….are YOU a good example.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, March 26, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
March 20, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
Each year as I read through the Bible I find myself intrigued with the creation of man and woman. Adam is so excited when God creates woman from his rib he declares, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man.” A little later God tells Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.”- Which does not mean he can be mean, cruel etc. (Genesis 2:23 and Genesis 3:16). Right from the start, man and woman were created to be together, married if you will.
I remember early in my first marriage being told that marriage should be 50-50 and as long as one of you is working on it, it was going to work. As life has gone on, I find that marriage needs to be worked on by both husband and wife. The 50-50 rule doesn’t always work that way either. It sounds good; I haven’t seen where these are true.
I do find that relationships tend to need both parties to work to make the relationship go. It doesn’t matter if it is marriage, parent – child or friendships. Two people need to be involved to make the relationship move forward.
I used to have this dream….I am climbing a mountain. I have a rope tied to my waist and behind me a man is tied to the rope and he is in a wheel chair. I would climb up a ways, turn around and lift the rope with the man and his wheel chair. It was a long, tedious, treacherous journey. I never felt like I moved forward. I have had relationships that have felt like that dream. One of us was working, pulling up the other and….the relationship never really moved forward.
I need to say it again. It takes two to make a relationship work. One cannot love for the both of them; one cannot make both people involved love each other. It will not work.
I have also found that when a relationship splits up, many times both people believe that they each did all they could to make it work. Divorce Recovery helped me see that we both tend to think we did all we could to make the relationship work. Whichever party you talk with, will tell you they did all they could. Divorce Recovery also taught us to look at “our” part in the breakup of the marriage. I have found that people who go on to two, three, four marriages often times will not look at the fact that they themselves had fault in these relationships.
One of the things I found in my own life is that I allowed people to do things. I needed to say “no” more often. I needed to say I don’t like this. I wanted to please and then I became hurt, angry etc because I wouldn’t be up front about an issue. My last counselor taught me to not talk in round-abouts. He taught me to say what I was thinking, honestly and gently.
I have found that if two people do not Both stay in touch, soon that relationship tends to disintegrate. I find people in my own life who do not meet me part way are difficult for me to stay connected to. I have had people who I call and they aren’t available. Yes sometimes we aren’t, I’m talking about when it happens a lot next to all the time type of thing. That even happens with letters and such. If you don’t ever get a response, then it is hard to stay connected. It gets to a point that I don’t know their likes and dislikes. I find it harder and harder to “know” them. Then I find it harder and harder to “talk” with them. Soon I find that this relationship is now a thing of the past.
I have also found that relationships also need to have a measure of “grace.” We all have our eccentric ways. We all can be difficult to deal with. Still, the relationships I have seen that work, seem to accept that fact. It isn’t good to allow someone to abuse us. I continue to learn that abuse is not healthy and what abuse is. Still who among us is perfect?
For me, in my marriage to Junior, I have been given a prayer by God. It goes something like this: “Lord, teach me to be the wife, friend, and lover and companion my husband needs. Open my eyes and heart to him. Teach me to honor and respect him, to be sensitive to him (big strong muscles, soft tender heart) and teach me to seek his highest good.” As the years have gone on, I find that this prayer keeps me tuned into my husband. As Junior has done some things that I found hard to deal with, God began to soften my heart to him. As I mention often, it helped with the “curb side shopping” phase, with Junior’s need to have an opinion and share it. I also find times where I need to pray for Junior, his back, his “post-traumatic stress struggles or even if we move etc.
Prayer also helps me with family and friends. Sometimes I pray for needs. Sometimes I pray for the ability to see past their hard for “me” to understand ways. As I continue to pray, I find that I love people regardless whether they like me or not. That is a blessing too. Lately I have found that I have needed to reconnect with people who haven’t been in my life for some time. Because I have prayed for them, I have been able to reconnect and I haven’t been bitter or angry. At one point in my life….I would not have been able to reconnect without a lot of distress.
As I close, I’d like to ask…..”Is there someone in your life you need to accept….forgive?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Each year as I read through the Bible I find myself intrigued with the creation of man and woman. Adam is so excited when God creates woman from his rib he declares, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man.” A little later God tells Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.”- Which does not mean he can be mean, cruel etc. (Genesis 2:23 and Genesis 3:16). Right from the start, man and woman were created to be together, married if you will.
I remember early in my first marriage being told that marriage should be 50-50 and as long as one of you is working on it, it was going to work. As life has gone on, I find that marriage needs to be worked on by both husband and wife. The 50-50 rule doesn’t always work that way either. It sounds good; I haven’t seen where these are true.
I do find that relationships tend to need both parties to work to make the relationship go. It doesn’t matter if it is marriage, parent – child or friendships. Two people need to be involved to make the relationship move forward.
I used to have this dream….I am climbing a mountain. I have a rope tied to my waist and behind me a man is tied to the rope and he is in a wheel chair. I would climb up a ways, turn around and lift the rope with the man and his wheel chair. It was a long, tedious, treacherous journey. I never felt like I moved forward. I have had relationships that have felt like that dream. One of us was working, pulling up the other and….the relationship never really moved forward.
I need to say it again. It takes two to make a relationship work. One cannot love for the both of them; one cannot make both people involved love each other. It will not work.
I have also found that when a relationship splits up, many times both people believe that they each did all they could to make it work. Divorce Recovery helped me see that we both tend to think we did all we could to make the relationship work. Whichever party you talk with, will tell you they did all they could. Divorce Recovery also taught us to look at “our” part in the breakup of the marriage. I have found that people who go on to two, three, four marriages often times will not look at the fact that they themselves had fault in these relationships.
One of the things I found in my own life is that I allowed people to do things. I needed to say “no” more often. I needed to say I don’t like this. I wanted to please and then I became hurt, angry etc because I wouldn’t be up front about an issue. My last counselor taught me to not talk in round-abouts. He taught me to say what I was thinking, honestly and gently.
I have found that if two people do not Both stay in touch, soon that relationship tends to disintegrate. I find people in my own life who do not meet me part way are difficult for me to stay connected to. I have had people who I call and they aren’t available. Yes sometimes we aren’t, I’m talking about when it happens a lot next to all the time type of thing. That even happens with letters and such. If you don’t ever get a response, then it is hard to stay connected. It gets to a point that I don’t know their likes and dislikes. I find it harder and harder to “know” them. Then I find it harder and harder to “talk” with them. Soon I find that this relationship is now a thing of the past.
I have also found that relationships also need to have a measure of “grace.” We all have our eccentric ways. We all can be difficult to deal with. Still, the relationships I have seen that work, seem to accept that fact. It isn’t good to allow someone to abuse us. I continue to learn that abuse is not healthy and what abuse is. Still who among us is perfect?
For me, in my marriage to Junior, I have been given a prayer by God. It goes something like this: “Lord, teach me to be the wife, friend, and lover and companion my husband needs. Open my eyes and heart to him. Teach me to honor and respect him, to be sensitive to him (big strong muscles, soft tender heart) and teach me to seek his highest good.” As the years have gone on, I find that this prayer keeps me tuned into my husband. As Junior has done some things that I found hard to deal with, God began to soften my heart to him. As I mention often, it helped with the “curb side shopping” phase, with Junior’s need to have an opinion and share it. I also find times where I need to pray for Junior, his back, his “post-traumatic stress struggles or even if we move etc.
Prayer also helps me with family and friends. Sometimes I pray for needs. Sometimes I pray for the ability to see past their hard for “me” to understand ways. As I continue to pray, I find that I love people regardless whether they like me or not. That is a blessing too. Lately I have found that I have needed to reconnect with people who haven’t been in my life for some time. Because I have prayed for them, I have been able to reconnect and I haven’t been bitter or angry. At one point in my life….I would not have been able to reconnect without a lot of distress.
As I close, I’d like to ask…..”Is there someone in your life you need to accept….forgive?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, March 12, 2010
March 13, 2009
Greetings My Friend,
Face Book is fast becoming a favorite place to connect with friends and family. Recently a question was going around. “Give one word to describe me.” I tend to be intrigued by these types of games. I am always curious as to how I am perceived. I have in my mind’s eye a way I see myself. What I see myself as, is not how others may perceive me
How would I describe myself? I think of myself as dependable, honest and loyal. I also see myself as wholesome in looks and attitudes. My newest thought of late is that I am a new creation in Christ. This one is still evolving so I don’t have a full grasp of what a new creation is or looks like. Lastly I try hard to be accepting and a cheerleader.
In the last year or so, I keep hearing about my faults. It is hard to be honest to consistently hear my flaws. I am a people pleaser. I want to make everyone happy and you know what? This irritates people to no end!
When my Dad was in the hospital we were grappling with the diagnosis of cancer. Mom’s way of dealing with it was to fuss about anything and everything. Dad needed a potty chair due to his weakness. It was next to the bed. The chair was defective and when he used it, the tray did not stay in place, thus his excrement’s fell onto the floor. Dad was embarrassed. Mom would march out to the front desk and she would berate the staff and demanded they come in and fix the chair. The staff seemed to be too busy to accommodate Mom. One time when I was up there and that happened, I went out to the desk, stated that Dad was embarrassed. I asked if they could help us out. Within minutes a new chair was at Dad’s side. In general I have found appealing to people’s sense of dignity to get me further than fussing, screaming etc.
We ran into this again when it was time to call in hospice for Dad. When Dad had polio, Mom seemed to adopt the attitude of don’t admit, don’t give in. It worked. Dad survived polio when no one thought he would. Dad learned to walk again when no one thought he could. Mom was using this approach with Dad’s bladder cancer. Mom in no way wanted hospice. It was an admission of defeat.
That is a day I would like to forget, unfortunately it is one that does come back though. I was the one who mentioned to Mom that we needed to call in hospice. Mom went ballistic. She screamed at me. She went into the bedroom and screamed at Dad. Mom was upset about the finances of Dad’s illness and was worried she’d be bankrupt. She let Dad know in no uncertain terms that he was the reason for her financial difficulties. Dad cried. Mom yelled some more. I couldn’t leave, I was dropped off. I didn’t want to in another way, I wanted to comfort Dad. I found a corner and sat as quietly as I could. Talking back was going to get me nowhere. She needed to vent, to give into her fear. My stomach was tied up in a million knots. Even at 39, I did not like to make Mom unhappy. That last statement probably sums up my people pleasing ways. I guess it was/is my attempt to do life differently.
I also remember the struggle for my parents to put food on the table. Money was tight. As an adult, when I worked, I wanted to do the best I could. I was not a workaholic like my Mom was. Still, I did not try to miss work for any unnecessary reasons. As the oldest, I was to make breakfast and lunches for my siblings as well. Dad also had me answer the phone when bill collectors called. I have a huge need to tow the line, be honest and upright, pay our bills and not get into a lot of debt. I tend to drive my husband crazy because of my fear of debt. Only recently have I been able to let him handle all the bills without fretting all the time.
As I look back on my life, I think I have lived in fear a whole lot. Fear drove me. I lived a reactionary life. The more I went through counseling, I learned to let go of fear. I learned how to quit reacting and start being pro active. As I have entered into a faith journey with the Lord Jesus, I have found myself being even more comfortable in life. I have learned to not allow people to abuse me too. Celebrate Recovery, came along when I needed it. I went with a friend who was being abused. I thought I had walked away from abusive relationships. Celebrate taught me that like the alcoholic, we tend to go back to old habits when life is difficult. Even though my husband was not abusing me, I had a person in my life that I was allowing to scream at me in inappropriate ways.
I am learning what true love feels like. My faith journey with the Lord Jesus has been precious. He loves me even if I am annoying. The more I feel like I am accepted as I am, the more courage I have. I also find I have more patience with people as well. My Minister taught me last fall that our children as adults have the right to like or dislike you. Now the Bible does teach that we are to honor our parents. It doesn’t say we have to like them. With God’s love though….I am precious, I am lovely, I am His.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
Face Book is fast becoming a favorite place to connect with friends and family. Recently a question was going around. “Give one word to describe me.” I tend to be intrigued by these types of games. I am always curious as to how I am perceived. I have in my mind’s eye a way I see myself. What I see myself as, is not how others may perceive me
How would I describe myself? I think of myself as dependable, honest and loyal. I also see myself as wholesome in looks and attitudes. My newest thought of late is that I am a new creation in Christ. This one is still evolving so I don’t have a full grasp of what a new creation is or looks like. Lastly I try hard to be accepting and a cheerleader.
In the last year or so, I keep hearing about my faults. It is hard to be honest to consistently hear my flaws. I am a people pleaser. I want to make everyone happy and you know what? This irritates people to no end!
When my Dad was in the hospital we were grappling with the diagnosis of cancer. Mom’s way of dealing with it was to fuss about anything and everything. Dad needed a potty chair due to his weakness. It was next to the bed. The chair was defective and when he used it, the tray did not stay in place, thus his excrement’s fell onto the floor. Dad was embarrassed. Mom would march out to the front desk and she would berate the staff and demanded they come in and fix the chair. The staff seemed to be too busy to accommodate Mom. One time when I was up there and that happened, I went out to the desk, stated that Dad was embarrassed. I asked if they could help us out. Within minutes a new chair was at Dad’s side. In general I have found appealing to people’s sense of dignity to get me further than fussing, screaming etc.
We ran into this again when it was time to call in hospice for Dad. When Dad had polio, Mom seemed to adopt the attitude of don’t admit, don’t give in. It worked. Dad survived polio when no one thought he would. Dad learned to walk again when no one thought he could. Mom was using this approach with Dad’s bladder cancer. Mom in no way wanted hospice. It was an admission of defeat.
That is a day I would like to forget, unfortunately it is one that does come back though. I was the one who mentioned to Mom that we needed to call in hospice. Mom went ballistic. She screamed at me. She went into the bedroom and screamed at Dad. Mom was upset about the finances of Dad’s illness and was worried she’d be bankrupt. She let Dad know in no uncertain terms that he was the reason for her financial difficulties. Dad cried. Mom yelled some more. I couldn’t leave, I was dropped off. I didn’t want to in another way, I wanted to comfort Dad. I found a corner and sat as quietly as I could. Talking back was going to get me nowhere. She needed to vent, to give into her fear. My stomach was tied up in a million knots. Even at 39, I did not like to make Mom unhappy. That last statement probably sums up my people pleasing ways. I guess it was/is my attempt to do life differently.
I also remember the struggle for my parents to put food on the table. Money was tight. As an adult, when I worked, I wanted to do the best I could. I was not a workaholic like my Mom was. Still, I did not try to miss work for any unnecessary reasons. As the oldest, I was to make breakfast and lunches for my siblings as well. Dad also had me answer the phone when bill collectors called. I have a huge need to tow the line, be honest and upright, pay our bills and not get into a lot of debt. I tend to drive my husband crazy because of my fear of debt. Only recently have I been able to let him handle all the bills without fretting all the time.
As I look back on my life, I think I have lived in fear a whole lot. Fear drove me. I lived a reactionary life. The more I went through counseling, I learned to let go of fear. I learned how to quit reacting and start being pro active. As I have entered into a faith journey with the Lord Jesus, I have found myself being even more comfortable in life. I have learned to not allow people to abuse me too. Celebrate Recovery, came along when I needed it. I went with a friend who was being abused. I thought I had walked away from abusive relationships. Celebrate taught me that like the alcoholic, we tend to go back to old habits when life is difficult. Even though my husband was not abusing me, I had a person in my life that I was allowing to scream at me in inappropriate ways.
I am learning what true love feels like. My faith journey with the Lord Jesus has been precious. He loves me even if I am annoying. The more I feel like I am accepted as I am, the more courage I have. I also find I have more patience with people as well. My Minister taught me last fall that our children as adults have the right to like or dislike you. Now the Bible does teach that we are to honor our parents. It doesn’t say we have to like them. With God’s love though….I am precious, I am lovely, I am His.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, March 5, 2010
March 6, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
A struggle…that is what I am thinking about. Struggles and the way others perceive us. We view ourselves one way, others tend to view us another AND many times we seem to be perceived in a way we are trying desperately not to be.
I was once perceived in a negative light by someone very close. I laughed at an improper time. The laugh was a nervous laugh, I was with people I had never met, a close person was extremely sick and I laughed. This person that was there is very angry with me, years later because of an improper laugh. I am perceived as a non caring person, which I was not or am not. I can’t really MAKE someone see me differently than they WANT to see me. It took me years to even find out what my offense was….which makes it even harder to apologize or reconcile when you don’t really know what you did wrong.
Another person is angry with me for something that happened 15 years ago, I did not help that person in the way they wanted to be helped, so again I am perceived as un-caring. As I go along in life, I am finding that sometimes people want to be mad and no matter what you do, they will find you offensive – even when you are not trying to be.
When I try to give my side of the argument….I am not heard. These people don’t believe me, don’t accept my struggle whatever. It hurts a WHOLE lot. Through the years, I have had to let go and move on. I could not keep beating myself up because I could not live up to what they wanted me to be.
Often times, when I talk to people, I am perceived as a caring and compassionate person. It gets hard to discern the real me and the person others see. I have a friend who is struggling to help her mother. Her mother is in a different state, she has very little money to travel back and care for her mother and now her family is calling her names.
For me, I find Jesus to be such a healing presence in my life. For the first time in my life, I feel like I matter, my intentions are not rejected. That feels wonderful. I am loved by Jesus, warts and all. Because Jesus loves me…..I am able to move on, to let go, to reach out and to love, even if my love is rejected.
Jesus is also giving me an identity. I love that too. He knows my intentions and He does not reject me. Again, this is wonderful. I find that I am able to let go, to move on and Jesus gives me a reason to go on day to day.
If we are honest….we all have done some not nice things in our lives. Jesus reminds me often that yes, I have had my moments, but that now I am made new in Him. That has been a journey I have started, to realize that I am a new creation in Christ. The new creation thing is wonderful. I don’t have to be what I used to be. I am able to “face” the day now, even though I’ve done stupid things in my life. Jesus often reminds me that He loves me. Again in love, I am able to move forward and not stay stuck some place. I now begin to see “me” through Jesus’ eyes. What do I see? I see that I am loveable. I am precious, that I have work to do AND Jesus accepts my abilities. That is so wonderful to me.
I am able to “face” the day, each day now. If someone doesn’t like me – I don’t have to give into despair. Jesus takes me, my abilities and uses them. I love having a purpose in life. I love having “work” to do. Does Jesus have to correct me – yes, still His corrections aren’t awful and I find I can move forward.
It seems to me that even though, people are rejecting me, I still have work to do. I have friends in Celebrate Recovery who accept my walk that I’ve had. My niece lets me “talk” to her about things. She even calls me up and seeks my advice – that feels wonderful. Not everyone sees me as a loser – that is amazing to me.
God has given me some prayers…He helps me pray for what I need to deal with in life. In this particular prayer, I ask God to teach me to love those whom I find difficult to love. I may be rejected, find their actions hard to deal with or just find them distasteful. When I ask Jesus to help me love those I find unlovable, I am amazed that I begin to see these people in a different light. Sometimes I need to let go of a relationship; sometimes I need to accept strange to me behavior, all I know is that I begin to accept these people where they are at. That is wonderful. Doing this allows me to not stay stuck in hurt, despair or anger. It allows me to accept them as God accepts me – right where they are at.
I also learn again to “let go, let God. I am so thankful that God loves me warts and all. He teaches me to love others “warts and all.” He then teaches me to move on in acceptance and I find that I don’t dwell on not being wanted, perceived the way I wanted or intended to be. It is so freeing.
I need to ask…..Is there someone in your life you need to forgive, to accept? Is it time to ask God for help?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
A struggle…that is what I am thinking about. Struggles and the way others perceive us. We view ourselves one way, others tend to view us another AND many times we seem to be perceived in a way we are trying desperately not to be.
I was once perceived in a negative light by someone very close. I laughed at an improper time. The laugh was a nervous laugh, I was with people I had never met, a close person was extremely sick and I laughed. This person that was there is very angry with me, years later because of an improper laugh. I am perceived as a non caring person, which I was not or am not. I can’t really MAKE someone see me differently than they WANT to see me. It took me years to even find out what my offense was….which makes it even harder to apologize or reconcile when you don’t really know what you did wrong.
Another person is angry with me for something that happened 15 years ago, I did not help that person in the way they wanted to be helped, so again I am perceived as un-caring. As I go along in life, I am finding that sometimes people want to be mad and no matter what you do, they will find you offensive – even when you are not trying to be.
When I try to give my side of the argument….I am not heard. These people don’t believe me, don’t accept my struggle whatever. It hurts a WHOLE lot. Through the years, I have had to let go and move on. I could not keep beating myself up because I could not live up to what they wanted me to be.
Often times, when I talk to people, I am perceived as a caring and compassionate person. It gets hard to discern the real me and the person others see. I have a friend who is struggling to help her mother. Her mother is in a different state, she has very little money to travel back and care for her mother and now her family is calling her names.
For me, I find Jesus to be such a healing presence in my life. For the first time in my life, I feel like I matter, my intentions are not rejected. That feels wonderful. I am loved by Jesus, warts and all. Because Jesus loves me…..I am able to move on, to let go, to reach out and to love, even if my love is rejected.
Jesus is also giving me an identity. I love that too. He knows my intentions and He does not reject me. Again, this is wonderful. I find that I am able to let go, to move on and Jesus gives me a reason to go on day to day.
If we are honest….we all have done some not nice things in our lives. Jesus reminds me often that yes, I have had my moments, but that now I am made new in Him. That has been a journey I have started, to realize that I am a new creation in Christ. The new creation thing is wonderful. I don’t have to be what I used to be. I am able to “face” the day now, even though I’ve done stupid things in my life. Jesus often reminds me that He loves me. Again in love, I am able to move forward and not stay stuck some place. I now begin to see “me” through Jesus’ eyes. What do I see? I see that I am loveable. I am precious, that I have work to do AND Jesus accepts my abilities. That is so wonderful to me.
I am able to “face” the day, each day now. If someone doesn’t like me – I don’t have to give into despair. Jesus takes me, my abilities and uses them. I love having a purpose in life. I love having “work” to do. Does Jesus have to correct me – yes, still His corrections aren’t awful and I find I can move forward.
It seems to me that even though, people are rejecting me, I still have work to do. I have friends in Celebrate Recovery who accept my walk that I’ve had. My niece lets me “talk” to her about things. She even calls me up and seeks my advice – that feels wonderful. Not everyone sees me as a loser – that is amazing to me.
God has given me some prayers…He helps me pray for what I need to deal with in life. In this particular prayer, I ask God to teach me to love those whom I find difficult to love. I may be rejected, find their actions hard to deal with or just find them distasteful. When I ask Jesus to help me love those I find unlovable, I am amazed that I begin to see these people in a different light. Sometimes I need to let go of a relationship; sometimes I need to accept strange to me behavior, all I know is that I begin to accept these people where they are at. That is wonderful. Doing this allows me to not stay stuck in hurt, despair or anger. It allows me to accept them as God accepts me – right where they are at.
I also learn again to “let go, let God. I am so thankful that God loves me warts and all. He teaches me to love others “warts and all.” He then teaches me to move on in acceptance and I find that I don’t dwell on not being wanted, perceived the way I wanted or intended to be. It is so freeing.
I need to ask…..Is there someone in your life you need to forgive, to accept? Is it time to ask God for help?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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