March 13, 2009
Greetings My Friend,
Face Book is fast becoming a favorite place to connect with friends and family. Recently a question was going around. “Give one word to describe me.” I tend to be intrigued by these types of games. I am always curious as to how I am perceived. I have in my mind’s eye a way I see myself. What I see myself as, is not how others may perceive me
How would I describe myself? I think of myself as dependable, honest and loyal. I also see myself as wholesome in looks and attitudes. My newest thought of late is that I am a new creation in Christ. This one is still evolving so I don’t have a full grasp of what a new creation is or looks like. Lastly I try hard to be accepting and a cheerleader.
In the last year or so, I keep hearing about my faults. It is hard to be honest to consistently hear my flaws. I am a people pleaser. I want to make everyone happy and you know what? This irritates people to no end!
When my Dad was in the hospital we were grappling with the diagnosis of cancer. Mom’s way of dealing with it was to fuss about anything and everything. Dad needed a potty chair due to his weakness. It was next to the bed. The chair was defective and when he used it, the tray did not stay in place, thus his excrement’s fell onto the floor. Dad was embarrassed. Mom would march out to the front desk and she would berate the staff and demanded they come in and fix the chair. The staff seemed to be too busy to accommodate Mom. One time when I was up there and that happened, I went out to the desk, stated that Dad was embarrassed. I asked if they could help us out. Within minutes a new chair was at Dad’s side. In general I have found appealing to people’s sense of dignity to get me further than fussing, screaming etc.
We ran into this again when it was time to call in hospice for Dad. When Dad had polio, Mom seemed to adopt the attitude of don’t admit, don’t give in. It worked. Dad survived polio when no one thought he would. Dad learned to walk again when no one thought he could. Mom was using this approach with Dad’s bladder cancer. Mom in no way wanted hospice. It was an admission of defeat.
That is a day I would like to forget, unfortunately it is one that does come back though. I was the one who mentioned to Mom that we needed to call in hospice. Mom went ballistic. She screamed at me. She went into the bedroom and screamed at Dad. Mom was upset about the finances of Dad’s illness and was worried she’d be bankrupt. She let Dad know in no uncertain terms that he was the reason for her financial difficulties. Dad cried. Mom yelled some more. I couldn’t leave, I was dropped off. I didn’t want to in another way, I wanted to comfort Dad. I found a corner and sat as quietly as I could. Talking back was going to get me nowhere. She needed to vent, to give into her fear. My stomach was tied up in a million knots. Even at 39, I did not like to make Mom unhappy. That last statement probably sums up my people pleasing ways. I guess it was/is my attempt to do life differently.
I also remember the struggle for my parents to put food on the table. Money was tight. As an adult, when I worked, I wanted to do the best I could. I was not a workaholic like my Mom was. Still, I did not try to miss work for any unnecessary reasons. As the oldest, I was to make breakfast and lunches for my siblings as well. Dad also had me answer the phone when bill collectors called. I have a huge need to tow the line, be honest and upright, pay our bills and not get into a lot of debt. I tend to drive my husband crazy because of my fear of debt. Only recently have I been able to let him handle all the bills without fretting all the time.
As I look back on my life, I think I have lived in fear a whole lot. Fear drove me. I lived a reactionary life. The more I went through counseling, I learned to let go of fear. I learned how to quit reacting and start being pro active. As I have entered into a faith journey with the Lord Jesus, I have found myself being even more comfortable in life. I have learned to not allow people to abuse me too. Celebrate Recovery, came along when I needed it. I went with a friend who was being abused. I thought I had walked away from abusive relationships. Celebrate taught me that like the alcoholic, we tend to go back to old habits when life is difficult. Even though my husband was not abusing me, I had a person in my life that I was allowing to scream at me in inappropriate ways.
I am learning what true love feels like. My faith journey with the Lord Jesus has been precious. He loves me even if I am annoying. The more I feel like I am accepted as I am, the more courage I have. I also find I have more patience with people as well. My Minister taught me last fall that our children as adults have the right to like or dislike you. Now the Bible does teach that we are to honor our parents. It doesn’t say we have to like them. With God’s love though….I am precious, I am lovely, I am His.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet