March 20, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
Each year as I read through the Bible I find myself intrigued with the creation of man and woman. Adam is so excited when God creates woman from his rib he declares, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man.” A little later God tells Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.”- Which does not mean he can be mean, cruel etc. (Genesis 2:23 and Genesis 3:16). Right from the start, man and woman were created to be together, married if you will.
I remember early in my first marriage being told that marriage should be 50-50 and as long as one of you is working on it, it was going to work. As life has gone on, I find that marriage needs to be worked on by both husband and wife. The 50-50 rule doesn’t always work that way either. It sounds good; I haven’t seen where these are true.
I do find that relationships tend to need both parties to work to make the relationship go. It doesn’t matter if it is marriage, parent – child or friendships. Two people need to be involved to make the relationship move forward.
I used to have this dream….I am climbing a mountain. I have a rope tied to my waist and behind me a man is tied to the rope and he is in a wheel chair. I would climb up a ways, turn around and lift the rope with the man and his wheel chair. It was a long, tedious, treacherous journey. I never felt like I moved forward. I have had relationships that have felt like that dream. One of us was working, pulling up the other and….the relationship never really moved forward.
I need to say it again. It takes two to make a relationship work. One cannot love for the both of them; one cannot make both people involved love each other. It will not work.
I have also found that when a relationship splits up, many times both people believe that they each did all they could to make it work. Divorce Recovery helped me see that we both tend to think we did all we could to make the relationship work. Whichever party you talk with, will tell you they did all they could. Divorce Recovery also taught us to look at “our” part in the breakup of the marriage. I have found that people who go on to two, three, four marriages often times will not look at the fact that they themselves had fault in these relationships.
One of the things I found in my own life is that I allowed people to do things. I needed to say “no” more often. I needed to say I don’t like this. I wanted to please and then I became hurt, angry etc because I wouldn’t be up front about an issue. My last counselor taught me to not talk in round-abouts. He taught me to say what I was thinking, honestly and gently.
I have found that if two people do not Both stay in touch, soon that relationship tends to disintegrate. I find people in my own life who do not meet me part way are difficult for me to stay connected to. I have had people who I call and they aren’t available. Yes sometimes we aren’t, I’m talking about when it happens a lot next to all the time type of thing. That even happens with letters and such. If you don’t ever get a response, then it is hard to stay connected. It gets to a point that I don’t know their likes and dislikes. I find it harder and harder to “know” them. Then I find it harder and harder to “talk” with them. Soon I find that this relationship is now a thing of the past.
I have also found that relationships also need to have a measure of “grace.” We all have our eccentric ways. We all can be difficult to deal with. Still, the relationships I have seen that work, seem to accept that fact. It isn’t good to allow someone to abuse us. I continue to learn that abuse is not healthy and what abuse is. Still who among us is perfect?
For me, in my marriage to Junior, I have been given a prayer by God. It goes something like this: “Lord, teach me to be the wife, friend, and lover and companion my husband needs. Open my eyes and heart to him. Teach me to honor and respect him, to be sensitive to him (big strong muscles, soft tender heart) and teach me to seek his highest good.” As the years have gone on, I find that this prayer keeps me tuned into my husband. As Junior has done some things that I found hard to deal with, God began to soften my heart to him. As I mention often, it helped with the “curb side shopping” phase, with Junior’s need to have an opinion and share it. I also find times where I need to pray for Junior, his back, his “post-traumatic stress struggles or even if we move etc.
Prayer also helps me with family and friends. Sometimes I pray for needs. Sometimes I pray for the ability to see past their hard for “me” to understand ways. As I continue to pray, I find that I love people regardless whether they like me or not. That is a blessing too. Lately I have found that I have needed to reconnect with people who haven’t been in my life for some time. Because I have prayed for them, I have been able to reconnect and I haven’t been bitter or angry. At one point in my life….I would not have been able to reconnect without a lot of distress.
As I close, I’d like to ask…..”Is there someone in your life you need to accept….forgive?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet