March 6, 2010
Greetings My Friend,
A struggle…that is what I am thinking about. Struggles and the way others perceive us. We view ourselves one way, others tend to view us another AND many times we seem to be perceived in a way we are trying desperately not to be.
I was once perceived in a negative light by someone very close. I laughed at an improper time. The laugh was a nervous laugh, I was with people I had never met, a close person was extremely sick and I laughed. This person that was there is very angry with me, years later because of an improper laugh. I am perceived as a non caring person, which I was not or am not. I can’t really MAKE someone see me differently than they WANT to see me. It took me years to even find out what my offense was….which makes it even harder to apologize or reconcile when you don’t really know what you did wrong.
Another person is angry with me for something that happened 15 years ago, I did not help that person in the way they wanted to be helped, so again I am perceived as un-caring. As I go along in life, I am finding that sometimes people want to be mad and no matter what you do, they will find you offensive – even when you are not trying to be.
When I try to give my side of the argument….I am not heard. These people don’t believe me, don’t accept my struggle whatever. It hurts a WHOLE lot. Through the years, I have had to let go and move on. I could not keep beating myself up because I could not live up to what they wanted me to be.
Often times, when I talk to people, I am perceived as a caring and compassionate person. It gets hard to discern the real me and the person others see. I have a friend who is struggling to help her mother. Her mother is in a different state, she has very little money to travel back and care for her mother and now her family is calling her names.
For me, I find Jesus to be such a healing presence in my life. For the first time in my life, I feel like I matter, my intentions are not rejected. That feels wonderful. I am loved by Jesus, warts and all. Because Jesus loves me…..I am able to move on, to let go, to reach out and to love, even if my love is rejected.
Jesus is also giving me an identity. I love that too. He knows my intentions and He does not reject me. Again, this is wonderful. I find that I am able to let go, to move on and Jesus gives me a reason to go on day to day.
If we are honest….we all have done some not nice things in our lives. Jesus reminds me often that yes, I have had my moments, but that now I am made new in Him. That has been a journey I have started, to realize that I am a new creation in Christ. The new creation thing is wonderful. I don’t have to be what I used to be. I am able to “face” the day now, even though I’ve done stupid things in my life. Jesus often reminds me that He loves me. Again in love, I am able to move forward and not stay stuck some place. I now begin to see “me” through Jesus’ eyes. What do I see? I see that I am loveable. I am precious, that I have work to do AND Jesus accepts my abilities. That is so wonderful to me.
I am able to “face” the day, each day now. If someone doesn’t like me – I don’t have to give into despair. Jesus takes me, my abilities and uses them. I love having a purpose in life. I love having “work” to do. Does Jesus have to correct me – yes, still His corrections aren’t awful and I find I can move forward.
It seems to me that even though, people are rejecting me, I still have work to do. I have friends in Celebrate Recovery who accept my walk that I’ve had. My niece lets me “talk” to her about things. She even calls me up and seeks my advice – that feels wonderful. Not everyone sees me as a loser – that is amazing to me.
God has given me some prayers…He helps me pray for what I need to deal with in life. In this particular prayer, I ask God to teach me to love those whom I find difficult to love. I may be rejected, find their actions hard to deal with or just find them distasteful. When I ask Jesus to help me love those I find unlovable, I am amazed that I begin to see these people in a different light. Sometimes I need to let go of a relationship; sometimes I need to accept strange to me behavior, all I know is that I begin to accept these people where they are at. That is wonderful. Doing this allows me to not stay stuck in hurt, despair or anger. It allows me to accept them as God accepts me – right where they are at.
I also learn again to “let go, let God. I am so thankful that God loves me warts and all. He teaches me to love others “warts and all.” He then teaches me to move on in acceptance and I find that I don’t dwell on not being wanted, perceived the way I wanted or intended to be. It is so freeing.
I need to ask…..Is there someone in your life you need to forgive, to accept? Is it time to ask God for help?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face shine upon you.
Love
Janet