August 1, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

I’ve been thinking about men and women – our roles, stuff like that. I keep thinking about a commercial several years back. In it is a woman. She has on a sexy dress, has a frying pan in her hands and a song that goes something like “Bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan.” The idea is that the woman can do anything she wants. She doesn’t need a man to do anything for her.

That is the myth my generation bought into. We had the birth control pill and we were free to marry, to have children or not when we wanted them and we did not need a man! I remember being infatuated by Mick Jager. He made himself look like neither a man nor a woman. I remember being infatuated with the idea that the genders could swap places, jobs etc.

I am starting to see the results of what we have done to ourselves. I am amazed at the number of women who have never had children. They went on to have fancy careers, things and had men when they felt like having a man in their life.

Many of us women also had children, worked outside the home and had fancy careers as well. Many women got divorced and raised their children without a husband around. They could provide decently for their children.

A lot of men today, in my generation, expected the woman to work outside the home. Both sexes wanted more stuff. Stuff is neat and for a moment pleases our senses. I remember wanting to stay home with the children but wound up going to work. I felt bad when the ice cream truck would come by and I did not have money to buy the kids an ice cream. Money was always very tight for us. My ex-husband did not make top dollar. I started to work part time. Later I found a full time job. After I went to work full time I found that we had a little extra cash flow. I remember buying a new dining room set. Next I was able to buy a newer couch and it felt real good.

I like to read the creation story. “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” God placed the man in the Garden and had him work the garden. Later God created Eve. When God had created the woman Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called ‘woman’, for she was taken out of man. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:23-24.

The more I think about this I believe that women were created to be helpers to their husbands, not to be in place of the men.

My Mom and Grandmother both had to work outside the home. Grandpa died leaving Grandma with my uncle. Mom was just out of high school when Grandpa died. My Dad had polio when we children were very small. Mom wound up working outside the home so that our family could eat. Mom was my Dad’s helpmate. She worked because Dad could not. Mom died at 64 – with smoking related problems. She stressed herself out and would not admit that her life wore on her.

To tell you the truth, I am starting to see what working outside the home is doing to the women of my generation. We are dying at the same rate as the men of previous generations. We have things like Fibromyalgia, etc. Many of us are now reaching retirement age and we are a mess. We are stressed out, tired and it is hard to get up and go like we want to.

Many of our children grew up as latch key children. They were left to fend for themselves after school, during summer breaks, etc. I did not have a latch key program for my children. The high school sitters I got were not always wholesome for my children either. I remember my son telling me in great detail about what the sitter was doing with her boyfriend. These sitters did not have the same values as I did.

The older I get, I am finding that “stuff” doesn’t make me happy either. For me, I felt I had “arrived” if I had a “mini-van”, a nice house in the suburbs, and nice furnishings for the house. I had this and to tell you the truth, I wasn’t overly happy for most of my life.

What makes me happy? I will tell you that relationships make me happy – not stuff. Junior and I are settling into a very small, but nice home. We have beauty all around us. Baby rabbits, deer roaming through our yard, a river to look at, to listen to, a wrap-around porch to sit and be quiet and still on and the wonderful sounds of nature floating into our lives. We are in relationships. We are getting close to my sister, to our friends from Michigan and to our Landlord. We are making our home cute; we have pretty curtains, nice area rugs, pictures of our life together. The best part for me is looking outside our windows. Right now I can look out and watch the river flow. The sun shines on it and it seems like diamonds are sparkling.

It seems that God created us to be in relationship. God is in relationship – Father, Son, Holy Ghost. It seems that God wanted to expand relationship and created “us.” When I allow myself to talk to God regularly, I find peace. When Junior and I talk – you know the heart to heart type of talk, I find myself being very content. My friends and I are able to get to that heart to heart type talk often as well. When I can do heart to heart often enough, I find life to be very good. Again, it is not the stuff, the pretty curtains, the fancy radio system, the type of car that truly makes me happy. It’s when I connect heart to heart.

What makes you happy?

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

July 25, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

When we were in Michigan recently we visited with a friend of mine I’ve known for over 24 years now. We went to Sunday school together; later after we grew up we worked with the Senior High kids at church. I also have another friend who I went to Sunday school with and I worked in the same department with her at the bank. These two ladies have known me and loved me through the trails of life. These two ladies can tell me just about anything, and I will listen because I know they love me – warts and all. Proverbs 27 6: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Also Proverbs 27:9 “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.”

As I have struggled with my son’s anger against me, it is in my friends I find comfort.

A mother’s first question is “Was I that bad?” They both tell me “No.” From there I try to understand his anger and with their love and wisdom, I am able to attempt to understand my son’s anger or why my daughter won’t accept me into her life. They help me face life, when life doesn’t feel so good. They also laugh with me and that feels real good too.

One of the struggles I had as I faced divorce was that I had history with my ex-husband. Our history was often painful, still it was history. My mother grew up on the same street as my ex-husband. My Grandmother had babies at the same time my Mother-in-law did. Mom had babies the same age as some of my Mother-in-law’s children. Our families had history together. Four of my Mother-in-law’s son’s married women from the neighborhood and school district we attended. We were an interconnected group in many ways. One of my sister-in-laws’s used to babysit me when I was little.

My ex-husband was one of seven living children. They had family gatherings that were fun and I felt like I belonged in many ways. My Dad’s family was in Colorado. He broke off connections with them and I never really knew my Grandparents. Mom had her mother and her brother. Grandpa died before I was born. There was Aunt Gert and Uncle Harold – Grandma’s sister and her family. Grandma’s brother and his family were around and not around. I knew him and I did not really know him or my cousins – who were way older than me.

As we were getting ready to leave my friend handed me a gift bag and in it was a card. Each time I read the card, I find myself very sentimental. I’d like to share some of the card with you.

“Janet,

As the years go by and the days seem shorter, we value what used to be inconsequential moments. All the laughter, minutes on the phone, an occasional Saturday shopping trip with your Grandma, a trip to the donut shop, spending a weekend at the cottage, an evening sharing some time together, adult time at Travel Camp and many other “moments” banded together blossomed into a beautiful lasting friendship. It is these moments that we presuppose as just part of living, are what forms us and what we are judged by. They are the bond that holds society and friendships together. I give thanks to God for these moments in my life that I have shared with you. I give thanks for the understanding that nothing is inconsequential; that moments are like thread that weaves tapestry of life.”

As I reflected on the sadness of losing the “family” time I had grown to love and that both my children don’t accept me, I find my friends words keep coming back like a soothing balm to my soul. I want to give in and allow the hurt in my soul to win. I want to curl up in bed and go to sleep never to wake up again and then I hear her words again as they come back to me. It seems like God is calling me once again. He shows me how much Junior loves me. He shows me that my sister wants me and my sister – lovingly shares her children with me. My nieces love me; I can’t you tell how much that means to me. Then I almost hear God say, “Look out the window.” I see a baby rabbit munching on the bushes outside my window. God gives me people to be in relationship with. I have my Landlord, Emma to love on. It is as if God is saying, “Janet, you are precious.” So, I get up and face the day. In the days of sadness, I have had much to live for. Again, I see God’s love and I love life once more.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

July 18, 2008

Greetings My Friend,

My thoughts keep going back to a fight that I had last winter. I keep trying to win the argument and I visualize that what I say will open the eyes of my son who then will love me unconditionally. As I have this internal discussion, I keep reflecting on 1Corinthians 1:27, “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.”

In my private talk, I am able to make my point and be heard. I see my son then reaching out and hugging me and us walking off into the sunset content in each other’s love.

I know that I am dramatic. I was told by my parents that I was an overly dramatic child, still, I find myself dramatic, in my thoughts at least, especially when I hurt.

As I go along in my thoughts, I see me making my argument. I love when I am given facts, so I state the facts as I see them ever so eloquently again, all this is in my thoughts. When I end up in real conversation, my well rehearsed words are jumbled and don’t really make any sense. I end up feeling worse, after I hang up, I cry because somehow I could not get my point across.

In the last 10 years or so, I have reconnected with my sister. For most of my adult life we did not talk. We traveled different paths. Our family tended to not treat her very well. I followed my parents lead in finding her very distasteful. We are now living an hour from each other and I am finding that I have missed loving a very precious person.

After I hung up with my son that awful day last winter, Junior dialed my sister’s phone. We talked for a long time. Her daughter, my niece lived near us in Michigan and I found my niece at my doorstep. My niece loved on me. She likes to cook, so she made us dinner. She arranged one of my cupboards and of course we got to play with Jake, her son.

My sister’s life has not been an easy life. She has known the sting of not being wanted and dealt with it sooner than me. She is content in who she is. As I have talked about the feeling of not being loved – now by either of my children, she would tell me, something to the effect of, “it sucks not knowing me.” It is something I come back to often.

Along with that statement, I have been thinking about a prayer God has given me. “Lord, teach me to love those I find difficult to love.” This has been so precious to me. I have found that I have been able to love people who don’t like me, I don’t like or find confusing to deal with.

Sometimes I am brought back to fellowship with people I struggle with. That is a wonderful moment for me. Other times I have found that my heart doesn’t ache anymore. I have prayed this prayer about my daughter for the last 9 years or more. She still doesn’t seem to want to be in my life. As I have prayed this prayer though, I have found that I am able to move on.

I also see God loving me so tenderly through this pain. I go back to the verse my friend told our dying friend – the one I wrote about a few weeks ago. Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I am starting to believe that God did not want my children to not love me. God did not want me to grow up as an abused child, or to be an abused wife. God allows life to happen. In those situations, I have learned much.

As I have come to accept God’s love – through Jesus’ gift of dying on the cross, I have found that I am loved. God has placed me with a man who cherishes me. This man loves me even when I am unlovable. I am constantly amazed that my husband loves me so much.

The more I am loved by God; I find that I am able to face life head on. Sometimes I struggle through hurt and pain, but somehow I know that God loves me. When I am loved, I find that I have so much more courage.

God keeps placing precious people in my path. My sister has been a precious gift to me. Instead of dismissing her, like I had most of my life, I find myself listening to her now. She is full of wisdom, full of life. I can’t thank God enough for bringing us back to each other. My sister shares her daughters with me. They love me – even if I am strange to them. I am a loved wife – a joy that is beyond words. God brought Junior and I to community down here in Virginia. My sister is an hour from us. We have friends from Michigan who now reside down here near us. We have more friends that live about three hours from us. They are also from our old church.

I am a wanted child of God. When life hurts, God doesn’t take away the struggle – He takes me through it. I can truly get out of bed and face the day even though some people don’t like me. At one point in my life – I was not able to do that.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

July 11, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

One of the things I like about my new life is that I am able to laugh at myself, to not give into drama all the time. As I read the Bible, I find myself desiring wisdom. At one point I thought a college education would give me wisdom. As I get older, I find that wisdom goes deep. I find if I open my heart to Jesus, read my Bible and pray then I begin to have another deeper type of wisdom.

Proverbs 3:6 says, “in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Another set of verses I like is Proverbs 3: 11-13, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.”

As I thought about wisdom, I remembered some moments in Junior and my life. After Junior retired and after I had cancer, we did not travel for a couple of years. We were in a healing process and travel was too difficult. Our niece was getting married one March, so we decided to travel to Virginia for her wedding. I e-mailed my sister to get directions to her place. She sent great instructions! Junior was retired and I was back to work. We left after I got off of work. Junior picked me up at work. Our first goal was to stop in Lexington Kentucky. It was half-way, we’d be ready to sleep etc. We got to Lexington. I went to the back of the van to make up the bed. I asked Junior where the blanket was. He thought he’d packed it. He vaguely remembered leaving it on the kitchen floor and the door might be open. We couldn’t believe that he left the door open. We grabbed a blanket off of the dresser we were taking down to give to my sister.

We went to sleep, woke up and started down the road again. It took us a couple of hours to realize that we went down the right freeway but in the wrong direction. No problem, we got ourselves back on track and headed for Virginia once more. The directions on mapquest had us going through a lot of very small towns, winding roads and it was taking us forever to get to my Sister’s place. At one point we realized that we needed to follow my sister’s instructions and we weren’t. Ugh!!!!!

We finally made it to Virginia, to my sister’s place. We were tired and frustrated. We rested. We went to the wedding. It was nice and we enjoyed ourselves a whole lot. We got up, went to church and then headed for home. We found South 23, we were very focused on South 23. We checked often to make sure we were on South 23. When we hit the Tennessee line, we realized that we needed 23 North, not SOUTH! Here we go again! We laughed at ourselves over and over that whole weekend. We refused to let ourselves be angry, even though we made so many stupid mistakes. We made it home to Michigan to realize that…. We did leave the back door open! Again we chose to laugh. Getting mad wasn’t going to fix the wrongs we had done.

A few weeks ago we met my sister in Abingdon for a church conference. It is about an hour – hour and a half from our home. We found the college where the conference was held with no real problems. We enjoyed the conference and left early because we had a long drive home and we were going to get up early to help my sister move the next day. We found route 80 and headed down the winding now dark road. We talked about the conference. We laughed. We said, “look, I remember that when we came.” We were enjoying ourselves a whole lot. Our drive home was starting to seem like it took FOREVER!!!! We found a town when we ran out of road. We stopped in to ask directions and we had gone 2 hours in the WRONG direction! We had the right road but the WRONG DIRECTION!

Out in the mountains it is very dark because there are very few lights. Several times Junior turned on his bright lights. When a car in the opposite direction was coming Junior turned off his bright lights. By mistake he turned off all his lights. He traveled for a few seconds with no lights on. It was very scary!

It’s kind of like walking with the Lord. When I don’t allow myself to listen, I can end up going off in the wrong direction. The older I get, I am finding that I don’t want to wander off in the wrong direction too often. Getting back to square one gets harder and harder to do and I try hard to hear right the first time.

Another thought I have been pondering is communication. Many times I hear people sight that communication is a problem in their relationships. We realize that on some level that it is important to talk, to share what is on our hearts and to listen to our partner’s thoughts. I find the same is true with a relationship with the Lord. It is hard to know what God has in mind if we never speak to Him. It is hard to know who God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit is if we never read the Bible or pray.

Many of us try to make God to be who we want Him to be. I did this for many years myself. As I have read my Bible though, I have begun to see God in a different light. He really does give us a clue to what He is like when we read the Bible. The more I understand who God is; then, it is easier for me to pray, to grow, to love and to serve. The more I grow in Jesus, the more I am able to face life, even the rough spots along the way. Will we get lost again? More than likely! At that point, I pray though that I bring my life back to the Lord and get squared away quickly!

May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet

July 4, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

Lately, I have been thinking about Carol. Carol has gone home to Jesus now. She was in our Bible Study group when I first got married. Carol and her husband hosted the Bible Study at their home. They also had a bed and breakfast up in Eagle Harbor MI along with some cabins. Junior and I visited them a few times in Eagle Harbor. Carol was the same age as my Mom. I marveled at her agility. Mom could not walk across a room and Carol could climb over boxes, furniture in a shed on their property. When we went out to Eagle Harbor, we went thimble berry picking or blueberry picking. Later we made jam, pies from the berries we picked.

With Carol I was transported back in time. As a youngster my sister and I helped our mother and our minister’s wife with wedding receptions at church. I loved being in the kitchen, helping to cook, helping to do dishes etc. My mother-in-law also loved to cook. She taught me how to make applesauce, pickled beets, and so much more.

Carol had survived cancer. Several years later, she had cancer again. Everyone who knew her was so sad. We loved her and it was hard to say good-bye. One friend had tried to console Carol with “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. Carol was hurt. She was dying and could not see how this scripture fit her.

I have often come back to this scripture – trying to understand it. Lately I’ve been thinking about this scripture again. I have also thought about my life as well. Right now I am struggling with feelings of not being wanted Last week I shared about my first marriage – my fainting at the altar, about my husband abusing me and my parents wanting money when I had no job, no car etc. I struggle with my daughter not wanting me in her life, right now with my son being angry with me about the junk that went on when he was growing up. As I process this information, I find myself reflecting in Romans 8:28. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.”

So, how does abuse, anger being un-wanted work out for the glory of God? I am starting to form a picture, a thought about these situations. I have started to think, God did not want me to be an abused child, an abused wife, an unwanted mother. He did try to warn me at the altar. I chose to marry this man. God heard my cries though. He placed it upon my heart to enter into counseling. As I worked my way through many emotions, I found myself making new choices. I did go to college – never finished – but got enough education to get a decent paying job. When my ex divorced me, I was able to support myself. For many years I struggled with knowing if I could truly support myself, but when the divorce happened, I found that I could.

My faith journey really took off after my divorce. I am in a good marriage now. I am with someone who loves me – cherishes me. I have a heart to reach out to others who are hurting. I want to offer them hope. The hope I have is Jesus – who has transformed my life. I have a story; I am able to share how I felt and how my life has changed. It has been a long road at times, a very hard road. Still, God has transformed me. When I look at the life Jesus led on earth, he walked among the most lost and lonely people of that time. I have felt like one those Jesus ministered to. At times I feel like I have a big “L” for looser imprinted on me. With Jesus though, I feel like I am a cherished woman. I have a purpose and I strive to love, to serve, to give and to bring it all back and lay it at the feet of the Father – allowing Him to get the glory – recognition.

It seems to me that God does not want anyone to hurt. Again I sense that God has given us choice. Some of us make very poor choices. Those choices will touch other lives. I remember as a young person thinking, if someone wants to drink, do drugs, that’s their choice as long as they don’t hurt anyone. The older I get, the more I realize that most of our choices do affect people around us. Some of those choices really damage others – parents that abuse their children, mothers who are in abusive relationships and don’t have the courage to leave, people who drink or do drugs will lash out on those close to them.

I find that when I give my heart to Jesus, I can be made new. I could not change myself all on my own. With Jesus though, I have more courage to change. Jesus has been in my life longer than I realized. He gave me the courage to enter into counseling. He put it in my heart to get more education. He was with me as I faced the fear of being single. He helps me to get out of bed each day. Jesus also has given me children who do love me. Even though I have moved from Michigan to Virginia, my Celebrate Recovery friends seem to still check in on me. It seems to me that God is getting the glory – He has transformed me. On my own I could not be what I am now. In Jesus though, I have been able to face each day.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet