July 18, 2008

Greetings My Friend,

My thoughts keep going back to a fight that I had last winter. I keep trying to win the argument and I visualize that what I say will open the eyes of my son who then will love me unconditionally. As I have this internal discussion, I keep reflecting on 1Corinthians 1:27, “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.”

In my private talk, I am able to make my point and be heard. I see my son then reaching out and hugging me and us walking off into the sunset content in each other’s love.

I know that I am dramatic. I was told by my parents that I was an overly dramatic child, still, I find myself dramatic, in my thoughts at least, especially when I hurt.

As I go along in my thoughts, I see me making my argument. I love when I am given facts, so I state the facts as I see them ever so eloquently again, all this is in my thoughts. When I end up in real conversation, my well rehearsed words are jumbled and don’t really make any sense. I end up feeling worse, after I hang up, I cry because somehow I could not get my point across.

In the last 10 years or so, I have reconnected with my sister. For most of my adult life we did not talk. We traveled different paths. Our family tended to not treat her very well. I followed my parents lead in finding her very distasteful. We are now living an hour from each other and I am finding that I have missed loving a very precious person.

After I hung up with my son that awful day last winter, Junior dialed my sister’s phone. We talked for a long time. Her daughter, my niece lived near us in Michigan and I found my niece at my doorstep. My niece loved on me. She likes to cook, so she made us dinner. She arranged one of my cupboards and of course we got to play with Jake, her son.

My sister’s life has not been an easy life. She has known the sting of not being wanted and dealt with it sooner than me. She is content in who she is. As I have talked about the feeling of not being loved – now by either of my children, she would tell me, something to the effect of, “it sucks not knowing me.” It is something I come back to often.

Along with that statement, I have been thinking about a prayer God has given me. “Lord, teach me to love those I find difficult to love.” This has been so precious to me. I have found that I have been able to love people who don’t like me, I don’t like or find confusing to deal with.

Sometimes I am brought back to fellowship with people I struggle with. That is a wonderful moment for me. Other times I have found that my heart doesn’t ache anymore. I have prayed this prayer about my daughter for the last 9 years or more. She still doesn’t seem to want to be in my life. As I have prayed this prayer though, I have found that I am able to move on.

I also see God loving me so tenderly through this pain. I go back to the verse my friend told our dying friend – the one I wrote about a few weeks ago. Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I am starting to believe that God did not want my children to not love me. God did not want me to grow up as an abused child, or to be an abused wife. God allows life to happen. In those situations, I have learned much.

As I have come to accept God’s love – through Jesus’ gift of dying on the cross, I have found that I am loved. God has placed me with a man who cherishes me. This man loves me even when I am unlovable. I am constantly amazed that my husband loves me so much.

The more I am loved by God; I find that I am able to face life head on. Sometimes I struggle through hurt and pain, but somehow I know that God loves me. When I am loved, I find that I have so much more courage.

God keeps placing precious people in my path. My sister has been a precious gift to me. Instead of dismissing her, like I had most of my life, I find myself listening to her now. She is full of wisdom, full of life. I can’t thank God enough for bringing us back to each other. My sister shares her daughters with me. They love me – even if I am strange to them. I am a loved wife – a joy that is beyond words. God brought Junior and I to community down here in Virginia. My sister is an hour from us. We have friends from Michigan who now reside down here near us. We have more friends that live about three hours from us. They are also from our old church.

I am a wanted child of God. When life hurts, God doesn’t take away the struggle – He takes me through it. I can truly get out of bed and face the day even though some people don’t like me. At one point in my life – I was not able to do that.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet