July 4, 2009
Greetings My Friend,
Lately, I have been thinking about Carol. Carol has gone home to Jesus now. She was in our Bible Study group when I first got married. Carol and her husband hosted the Bible Study at their home. They also had a bed and breakfast up in Eagle Harbor MI along with some cabins. Junior and I visited them a few times in Eagle Harbor. Carol was the same age as my Mom. I marveled at her agility. Mom could not walk across a room and Carol could climb over boxes, furniture in a shed on their property. When we went out to Eagle Harbor, we went thimble berry picking or blueberry picking. Later we made jam, pies from the berries we picked.
With Carol I was transported back in time. As a youngster my sister and I helped our mother and our minister’s wife with wedding receptions at church. I loved being in the kitchen, helping to cook, helping to do dishes etc. My mother-in-law also loved to cook. She taught me how to make applesauce, pickled beets, and so much more.
Carol had survived cancer. Several years later, she had cancer again. Everyone who knew her was so sad. We loved her and it was hard to say good-bye. One friend had tried to console Carol with “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. Carol was hurt. She was dying and could not see how this scripture fit her.
I have often come back to this scripture – trying to understand it. Lately I’ve been thinking about this scripture again. I have also thought about my life as well. Right now I am struggling with feelings of not being wanted Last week I shared about my first marriage – my fainting at the altar, about my husband abusing me and my parents wanting money when I had no job, no car etc. I struggle with my daughter not wanting me in her life, right now with my son being angry with me about the junk that went on when he was growing up. As I process this information, I find myself reflecting in Romans 8:28. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.”
So, how does abuse, anger being un-wanted work out for the glory of God? I am starting to form a picture, a thought about these situations. I have started to think, God did not want me to be an abused child, an abused wife, an unwanted mother. He did try to warn me at the altar. I chose to marry this man. God heard my cries though. He placed it upon my heart to enter into counseling. As I worked my way through many emotions, I found myself making new choices. I did go to college – never finished – but got enough education to get a decent paying job. When my ex divorced me, I was able to support myself. For many years I struggled with knowing if I could truly support myself, but when the divorce happened, I found that I could.
My faith journey really took off after my divorce. I am in a good marriage now. I am with someone who loves me – cherishes me. I have a heart to reach out to others who are hurting. I want to offer them hope. The hope I have is Jesus – who has transformed my life. I have a story; I am able to share how I felt and how my life has changed. It has been a long road at times, a very hard road. Still, God has transformed me. When I look at the life Jesus led on earth, he walked among the most lost and lonely people of that time. I have felt like one those Jesus ministered to. At times I feel like I have a big “L” for looser imprinted on me. With Jesus though, I feel like I am a cherished woman. I have a purpose and I strive to love, to serve, to give and to bring it all back and lay it at the feet of the Father – allowing Him to get the glory – recognition.
It seems to me that God does not want anyone to hurt. Again I sense that God has given us choice. Some of us make very poor choices. Those choices will touch other lives. I remember as a young person thinking, if someone wants to drink, do drugs, that’s their choice as long as they don’t hurt anyone. The older I get, the more I realize that most of our choices do affect people around us. Some of those choices really damage others – parents that abuse their children, mothers who are in abusive relationships and don’t have the courage to leave, people who drink or do drugs will lash out on those close to them.
I find that when I give my heart to Jesus, I can be made new. I could not change myself all on my own. With Jesus though, I have more courage to change. Jesus has been in my life longer than I realized. He gave me the courage to enter into counseling. He put it in my heart to get more education. He was with me as I faced the fear of being single. He helps me to get out of bed each day. Jesus also has given me children who do love me. Even though I have moved from Michigan to Virginia, my Celebrate Recovery friends seem to still check in on me. It seems to me that God is getting the glory – He has transformed me. On my own I could not be what I am now. In Jesus though, I have been able to face each day.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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