June 27, 2009

Greetings My Friend,

I remember as a kid and young adult that we sang songs about the Holy Spirit and we mentioned Him often in prayer. I never really understood who the Holy Spirit was. To be honest, I never grasped who Jesus was either. God, well I sort of understood who He was. After my divorce, I remember hurting so bad and I attempted to pray. When I met Junior, I remember being thankful that he went to church and seemed to take his faith seriously. Junior encouraged me to grow in my faith.

Junior taught me that I needed to put God first in my life. That was weird to me. Because I loved Junior and I respected him, I began going to God first. The more I went to prayer and began reading my Bible, the more I was able to love Junior. I also began listening to Christian radio. One day on the radio, the announcer invited the listeners to invite Jesus into their lives and hearts. I said the prayer as they prayed it. I figured that I did not have anything to loose and so I invited Jesus to enter into my heart.

I found myself making new choices. I found myself meeting the Holy Spirit and realizing that He was real. As I read my Bible, I found John 15:26, “When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me.” I began to realize that the Holy Spirit was truly my friend too.

Prayer time was getting more precious to me. As I prayed I felt a picture of God in my heart. He was a fatherly looking picture in my mind. A gentle and kind face. I even pictured Jesus in my mind’s eye. Jesus was like a friend and I felt safe telling Him my struggles. The Holy Spirit was hard for me to picture. He had no distinct form for my heart to picture. I believed He was real, but I struggled because I could not make Him fit a mold I wanted.

I began talking to the Holy Spirit during my prayer time. I thanked Him for teaching me. I started to ask Him to teach me to know the “love, the will, the desire of the Father and to weave it into the fabric of my being.”

As I did this I began to see pictures of where God helped me in my life. I began to see where God had been trying to talk to me. When I married my first husband, on my wedding day, I remembered my Dad talking to me before I went to the church. He told me that it wasn’t too late to back out of the wedding. At the church, during the wedding ceremony, I remember feeling very dizzy. I fainted, I was carried out of the service and then I threw up. It was a great story for years to tell. At one point I realized that God had been trying to warn me. When I chose not to listen, well, I got to live with my decision.

Another time after I had a brutal night with my ex-husband, I went to stay with my parents. I stayed for three weeks and then went back to my ex-husband. My Dad asked me for money every day. I had no job, no car and two very small children. I was tired. I was weak. When I asked my ex-husband for money, he told me to come home. On the way home, I was listening to the radio. A psychologist was advising a lady that if she could tolerate her life for a little while longer then she should stay with her husband. She should get some education and a job and then she could leave. Shortly after I that, I went back to school. It became my goal to follow this advice. I had decided that the next time I left I would not have to depend on anybody.

I remember when I met Junior that he felt really comfortable. It was strange to me at how comfortable he felt. We had an engagement period of one week. I wanted to be with him. It got hard to leave him at the end of our dates. I had moved in with my Mom and I was helping her get her house in order for her retirement. I struggled with leaving her to be with Junior because Mom was very sick. The day of our wedding drew near. I was torn. I prayed and prayed for a sign. During my prayer time, I remember feeling a sensation of peace. I felt that I was to go and be married. I got up went to Junior, went to Ohio and got married. That feeling of peace was so wonderful and to be honest – I have never regretted one day being married to Junior. As Mom’s health continued to decline, Junior was at my side, helping me care for her, comforting me and encouraging me.

The Holy Spirit feels very real in my life now. I have quit needing to make Him have a shape in my mind’s eye. I can sense His direction more often now. When I am unsure about a direction I need to take, I ask God to help me to know if it is from Him. I am very grateful to finally know the Holy Spirit and to allow Him to help me in my faith journey. I do not know how to speak in tongues. I have met people who can. Tongues are a prayer language that some people have been gifted with. As of now, I have not been gifted with a prayer language. Still, I sense that God is moving in my life. I have known a peace that prior to this faith journey was foreign to me. God has given me a ministry of writing; I have made friends at Celebrate Recovery and have been able to help survivors of abuse see that we can move out of despair into hope. Best of all, Junior and I are best friends. God is good.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love

Janet