June 30, 2016

Greetings My Friend, We visited friends the other day and in the course of our conversations I learned about how my friend and her daughter lived a life with a husband who committed adultery and was a drunk. As they told their story I found myself over relating with the struggles they endured. When Junior and I went home I was not upbeat like I usually am, even writing my Facebook page that night reflected a lot of sadness about relationships. The more I thought about it I realized that my friends story triggered my PTSD. I have come to see Junior's triggers rather easily but my own triggers I am not as in tuned with. After a good nights sleep I woke up and my mood had disappeared. I see Junior go through the same process. For some reason a good nights sleep allows the problem to pass. I also understand how deeply I was hurt from all the trauma I dealt with in life. People seem to think we can turn our emotions on and off, the sad fact our emotions appear out of the blue. Learning to know what triggers our hurt helps us a lot and even then we end up in the middle of a situation where we can not walk away from is difficult. I know our friends also needed to say "out loud" the pain she felt, people do not want to listen especially when we get on that one track where we can not get away from it. Today medication is helping me stay on top of my PTSD fairly well and at the same time a movie, a conversation can bring all the pain roaring back and we are living in the midst our pain again. Sometimes I know when I see Junior in the midst of his pain I can do something as simple as putting my hand on him and verbally changing the subject will help him come out of his struggle. He has not learned my triggers because I felt his was worse than mine so I stuffed what was going on inside. Through counseling I learned my PTSD is as bad for me as his is for him. It does not matter if one seems worse for the person the pain is that painful. Today I attempt to bring Junior up to date with my struggle. He was surprised I was struggling because he did not see it in my face. I am learning to tell him and I am praying that soon he will see me when I am in the midst of the struggle. I don't have spells of anger, I am extremely sad and defeated. Junior has anger and he works hard at keeping it under control. I know to start taking charge when his anger begins to flare. Today while driving someone was following too close and his anger started flaring. I told him to pull over and let the guy pass, at first he said no and then right after that he pulled over. He knew I was right. It was not worth all the anger he was building towards. He is more sensitive to tailgaters since our accident a few weeks ago. I hear him comment when someone pulls up on his bumper. He does not want to get hit again. After he let the guy pass Junior settled down and we went on our way. He said he was glad we thought that one out. I am grateful to God who put it on someone's mind to make medication that helps us deal with our struggles. This medication allows us to enter more fully into our life today. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet