May 31, 2016

Greetings My Friend, One thing I have learned with my Chiari Malformation and Ataxia is to mourn my loss of ability. The next think I learned is to keep pushing myself to stay as able bodied as I can. I recently went from a 5 lb. hand weight to a 2 lb. weight. After weeks of doing my arm exercises my shoulders were getting weaker instead of stronger. The old idea of keep pushing past my limits no longer apply. This has been extremely hard for me to grasp. More recently I have learned that if the push I am doing is not working it is best to back off because I am wearing myself out and loosing energy to be about other things. As I read the help sites I see some very hurt and angry comments, to be honest I relate. Today I read a gentleman who was encouraging us to accept our decline and to find the good that comes with it. It is really helpful for me to see this reminder and the man puts out his encouragement often. I have learned to see the good more often. In the last few months I have learned to decopauge, bake bread and some other home made delights, quilting and now I am working on learning to dehydrate food. If I were able bodied I would not be home to enjoy all these endeavors and too tired to take time to learn new things. Reading long tedious directions don't hold my attention but Youtube videos are teaching me so much these days. I am a visual learner in general so these videos fill that need to have someone show me. I am surprised at all the things I am learning and my reading can be saved for things like Bible study, writing and quick reads on social media. Just as my cancer taught me to slow down and "be still" to hear God's voice in my life I am now able to slow down and live my life differently but effectively. While Junior is working on his various projects I am working on my projects which means I am not seeking him for attention all day. I still need Junior time but not the suffocating time I once needed. When I worked I also had a few girlfriend nights so he could be alone for awhile. Today I learn new things. Life is sweet even though my hips want to give out, my balance is getting worse. I am learning to stop more often and wait longer before I get moving again. While I am moving I sit more while doing chores like sitting on the bed to fold clothes or gathering baking ingredients and sitting to mix them. These sit moments allow me to do more in the long run. Some mornings I write after my quiet time, some mornings I don't those mornings I don't I begin doing various things around the house. Later I may sit and write. I find that I need to stop moving so much after lunch so I sit or nap for a few hours. Later I slow the movements down and begin to do sitting activities like right now I am making fabric yo yo's which will become a doily when I am done. Some afternoons I go to the porch to decopauge, paint flower pots or work on some other idea I have come up with. These things fill the day rather nicely and I don't have the need to run several days a week. I still need a day to get out and about and I have been able to save energy for Sunday school and services on Sunday. I can't make it back to evening church which makes me sad but I have the morning fellowship and learning I enjoy. For me my thankful attitude has been learning to be thankful as I am taught to do in the Bible. I learn to give God accolades which teaches me to stop and look and see all the wonder and awe that is around me. Even learning to reflect on what is not right in my life teaches me to confess sin to God who then graciously teaches me to walk away from that hurt, that dysfunction. Lastly I learn to continually ask God where He wants me, what He wants me to do which I find myself taking time to learn new things, to mention to others how I am overcoming in some area of my life. While I find myself praying and conversing with God. At the end of the day I am content, learned to accept where my health is and to enjoy my life. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 28, 2016

Greetings My Friend, Junior and I were taught in our remarrieds class that God needs to be first in our lives. The way I learned this broke down was God first in my life, our marriage 2nd. At first we were taught our spouse 2nd later it was revised to our marriage. We learned that the good of the marriage needed to take the 2nd spot because sometimes the individual needs were less important than the harmony of the marriage. To tell you the truth this is working for Junior and I. I have learned to not seek my way in each and every situation but to seek Junior's highest good in all situations. The more I seek his highest good the more I find my needs are truly taken care of. It was hard at first because I felt I would be taken advantage of. I wanted to assert my rights sometimes, it did not build trust between Junior and I. I am blessed because Junior understood my wounded spirit, he kept being patient and kind with me. When he taught me that he felt leadership meant that he needed to serve I was befuddled. I saw leadership as a take charge and an attitude of "my way or the highway." It is strange but Junior's servant role as leader has opened my heart more than anything. He does assert himself from time to time too but overall he leads with gentleness and patience. I am surprised at how many times I find my way to his way of doing things because he lets me try my wings only to find his way was truly the best way. Sometimes I tell him I know his point is valid but right now I am struggling with his method of thought or doing something. He tells me that I must form my own opinion and he accepts that we may not always agree. I appreciate that which gives me time to mull over my thoughts. Sometimes I see a problem and make a suggestion, Junior takes my thoughts to heart and at least thinks about what I have suggested. I love that, once in a while he even comments right off that my idea was a good one. I love that too. He used to get overwhelmed with my chatter, today I chatter but if I want his input I tell him upfront. I believe we are at this point because of a great ministry that taught us how to use God's Word to guide our lives. We were taught to have a united front, to accept that we raised our families differently and that was okay. We formed our style of living as we went along and we each dealt with our own children, ours were raised when we married. As we married we made financial decisions with regard to our children together, we did not give money without talking to each other first. Our classes taught us that if we wanted our marriage to grow then we needed to keep God at the core of our marriage. It has helped us so much. I also think it helps our children see our devotion to God and to each other and as we are strong in the Lord we love them in a much healthier way. Our children are not around us much well hardly at all really but in my heart one day they will see what we modeled was the best way to handle life. In the meantime we work on our relationship with God and our marriage. Ever so slowly I see our children making sounder relationship decisions and underneath it all I think we have had some input on that. In our older years Junior and I are learning that our needs are changing, right now I am working through being disabled. Junior helps me when I am getting into a wheelchair and my footing is not stable. He guides me to the chair, sometimes he pushes me as I try to get up into the truck. Junior also pushes me to do for myself as much as I am able so when I am down due to asthma, he lets me sit or sleep. If he was not listening to God he could think I was being lazy. I can now tell him I am struggling and he hears me. I go take care of myself without him constantly fussing I am lazy etc. God teaches me to intercede when conversations get too involved with military discussions. I can see Junior's growing excited as a sign that old memories are cropping up. I change the subject when I see this. God is the one who taught me that Junior is not being aggravated to be annoying, he is struggling. I see so many pitfalls that we avoid because we take ourselves out of the equation and ask God to direct our thoughts and steps. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 26, 2016

Greetings My Friend, "If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." God is specific about what He likes, even with things not mentioned out rightly in the Bible a person can understand some things are against His will. Other things God is more specific talking about and He talks about in both the OT and the NT. God is a God of life not death. He wants His people to live and live not only now but into eternity with Him. Right now our country is sinning in huge ways. Our country has been in decline for 50 years or more and it seems to me God is sending His judgement down on us. If we don't heed His commands soon the judgement will become worse and worse until we turn and relent or He will destroy this land as we know it. In almost every way we have taken God out of our nations life, prayer in school, the 10 commandments out of our public buildings and by doing this we no longer strive to live with God as our national leader. When children were taught in schools during the early years of our country the Bible was how they were taught to read. Prayer was part of school life when I was in elementary school and we proudly said the pledge each morning in our class rooms. We had our flaws as a nation but we strove to live God's ways as a nation. Today we deny God in every aspect of our daily life. It troubles me greatly and as the election draws near I have decided to vote and stop my vocal choice. I hear how each candidate is evil and will bring ruin to our country. The sad fact is ruin is here and no one seems to be stopping the destruction. I notice people will only listen to what they want to listen and a back and forth discussion is not going to happen. We have turned into a country where each party thinks they have the answer with one party strong arming the other at all costs just to get their agenda across. I was vocal about my candidate early on and I mentioned the "facts", only to find that those facts were distorted and not heard. I keep quiet now because I do not think people truly want to return to God but to prove God does not know what He is doing. With this mindset there will be destruction in our land. If I am asked I will give my opinion otherwise I will not try to warn others of the impending danger. God may destroy our country tomorrow or in the future but we are not immune from His coming wrath. If we will turn and humble ourselves, and begin to seek God our destruction won't be as severe. We can not deny God in all aspects of our public and private lives and then stand and sing "Amazing Grace" when another nation attacks us. We have to follow God in all aspects of our public and private lives. God wants to be invited in every part of our nations life which means schools, homes, and government. We need to see that God does love the sinner but hates the sin. We need to ask the Holy Spirit back into our nation teaching us God's right from God's wrong. We do not need to make special exceptions for every special interest group that comes along. We do need to treat those against God's will with respect by not harming them but we do not need to give 1% of the population special privelages just because. My heart cries out for our nation. I pray we will quit fighting within ourselves and turn to God allowing Him to point us in loving ways to love our neighbor. We need to all study our Bible as a nation and then govern our nation once more with God at the helm of our nation. May God once more bless our nation, make His face shine on our nation. Love Janet

May 24, 2016

Greetings My Friend, My neurologist appointment is in 3 weeks as I write, the long awaited appointment in which I hope to get a clearer understanding of what is going on in my body and how to cope with the changes is right around the corner. Last night I started making my list of things that I am struggling with so I can talk to the doctor about it. I found a few Chiari Malformation sites which did not seem to address my specific issues although I am finding out many of my problems are Chiari related. Next I learned I also have ataxia which I thought had no bearing on CM and now I am finding it is part of the struggle for some or even most CM patients. I am a CM patient who does not have a lot of head pain and my understanding is that pain is generally related to the CSF flow, the fluid in the brain. From time to time I will get the straining headaches, as I learn to keep my asthma under control and eat plenty of fiber I am able to function without the feeling of my brain being bounced around in my skull. Even though I am diligent I still have these headaches once in a while. For me my biggest struggles tend to be with my balance and gait. It seems the more my legs go off in their own direction the harder it is for me to walk. The harder it is for me to walk normally the more of a struggle it is to have energy and I am constantly fatigued. Now that I have worked through this latest set back I am able to turn around and reflect. I can see some symptoms over my life that pointed to this defect in me. The CM is a birth defect for me. I can also see where my neck and head has had some major injuries too. Junior and I think that my symptoms really came out when I had my accident a few years ago where I blacked out and rolled down a hill. To me it is at this point I see the major changes in my abilities and gait. The fatigue started showing up after I had cancer and I could not overcome it. I see it more on reflection that I understood at the time. It may be that the cancer also may have increased the progression I have been in for a few years too. For me the Ataxia site is helping me the most. I am able to relate to the struggles my new friends talk about. While I was reading this site recently I see that many patients' progress is slow at first, like every year or so. As time moves on the yearly changes begin to change to monthly changes and eventually daily. For me I learned rather quickly to use a cane then a walking stick. The stick allowed me to lean into it when I felt my balance was creating uncertain movements in me. I used the walker for long distances or the cart while shopping and that has allowed me to be fairly active with times I had to stop due to fatigue. More recently even these aids were tiring me to an extreme. I feared the wheelchair something awful and then one day I made the decision to use it when I am out or a scooter if one is available. It has allowed me to return to a decent amount of activity again. At this point I need a nap most afternoons and then I wake up and do some things. Yesterday I over did it. I baked bread, cleaned the air filters and bathrooms. After my nap I decopauged for 3 hours. At the end of the night my back had spasms. No matter how I sat I could not get it comfortable. Today I feel hung over. I know that I will move extra slow all day and more than likely I will need to sleep a lot. Even so I am grateful I was able to do all that I did. Instead of buying pots for the container garden we have going on our porch I decopauged some pots so it looks pretty. I made home made bread which Junior loves and I am grateful to be able to take the next day to slow down and regroup. We had bought some more plants and we did not have enough pots to put them in so it was important to me to get the pots ready to use. I am praying right now that I am entering a time where I am stable for a few years. I know I would not have been able to move through all these changes without my faith walk with Jesus. He has comforted me, strengthened me to endure and to move on. I have learned how to lean into the Lord and that is a huge comfort. I may never walk normally again and I don't think I will but I do know that God won't mind all the questions and fear. He will quiet me, comfort me and send me back into the struggle more confident. In the end that is what I want the most someone to see, to hear and to encourage me. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 21, 2016

Greetings My Friend, I remember reading when I was younger how animals help the elderly emotionally. I thought it was sweet, I have always loved animals so I semi related to the article. A few years ago I was depressed and confused about what was going on with my body, with the extreme fatigue and clumsiness I was experiencing and I decided I needed a dog to help me focus on it. Daisy filled the bill. She weighs less than 10 lbs and I can carry her wherever I go. I need to make sure she gets outside to do her business which means I have to get up out of my chair to get her to the door. She has indeed awakened in me the desire to get up and moving again. My emotions came under control with medication and slowly I regained some of my energy. I don't think I will ever fully get rid of chronic fatigue, at this point I am able to manage it. Brendy came to us when Alex and Blanko died. She is not a substitute for them, she does take the deep sadness away. Recently Chiari got ran over by a car and died so a few weeks later we went to the pound to rescue another dog. Harley is now a part of our life. He has major skin issues that needs special attention. He is friendly seeking to please and he was not good with touch. Junior has been working on his skin problems and brought them under control. The cause of his skin issues is a birth defect he was born with which means he will always need vigilant care. Now that his skin is not so sensitive he loves his belly rubbed and having his ears scruffed. Junior and I are loving these animals and the care they need. They are our little family. Their excitement when we come home is astounding to us. When we have company over they behave too which feels like we are doing a good job of raising them. That article I read all those years ago has proven right on. We need to have a family to raise and love on. Most seniors don't have a brood of pets like we do. We started our family of strays quite by surprise until now we never owned more than 2 animals at a time. Out here we learned that animals do not last long at the pound. We recently found out that an organization rescues animals so we won't feel so compelled to keep every stray that comes along. With 9 acres our dogs have plenty of room to roam which means we do not need to exercise them. Little Daisy gets plenty of exercising running around the house although she wanders out to the yard and suns herself from time to time. The doggy doors means we are not letting all of them in and out constantly. Junior is good with keeping the floors cleaned and their fur swept up and the air filters we have help some more for my allergies. Our fur family also helps keep our minds active with their training and care as well. I am learning that my disorders Chiari Malformation and Ataxia are progressive. I was reading on an Ataxia site where at first the declines were yearly to every few years and then there comes a time they start to happen more frequently. I have been in a changing situation for a little while and I think I have leveled out again. These pets have helped me emotionally and I see how they are protective of me. When I was wandering around the yard Val would always stay close to me. I notice that they take turns staying in the house when I am in the house too. One of the dogs is always on guard not just for danger outside the home but for me inside as I move around. That watchful eye is a comfort. Sometimes I worry about Junior when he is working with the equipment outside that he may hurt himself and I won't know. Today I realize that I will know because just as the dogs are watchful over me they too are watchful over Junior and if he hurt himself and could not get up I know they will make a fuss until I get to him. We are grateful for our fur children and the loving they bring us. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 19 2016

Greetings My Friend, When I read the Bible I come across how people worship idols often. The idols I see are made of wood, lined in gold or other metals and then bowed down to and worshiped. It is easy for me to think that we do not do this today, make idols but slowly I see that we do worship idols today. Many of our idols are not physical objects we set up and bow down to but they are idols we adhere to. Some worship drugs, alcohol, sex and money to name a few. There are a few who check their horoscopes to see what the day will bring while others rely on palm readers, card readers even tea leaves readers. I know that I used to check my horoscope out from time to time not really believing it but I thought it was quirky which I am sure many of the other things can be done in the same way. While reading in the OT recently I heard God describing the worship of idols as useless. He mentions that an idol being made of wood, lined in metal. One part of the wood is burned to warm the people, cook the food and the other becomes an idol. He then goes on to mention that the idol is placed on the back of an animal and carried. The idol has no life in it but it is worshiped. He then states He is God and there is no other. None other will save only Him. To me it is straight forward and direct that God is the only God to worship. It makes sense and then we don't listen. He continually teaches that Israel is His chosen people. They are to grow in Him and inspire the world to want to follow Him and no one else. When Jesus came He died once for all. We now are asked to enter into relationship with Jesus who cleanses us. I learn I can not earn my way to heaven the only way is to allow Jesus to open my heart and to teach me through the Holy Spirit to grow and to reach out to others offering them the love of Christ. God's love is gentle and compassionate. He warns us, corrects us and if we choose the correction and change our ways God will save us. In this world in this lifetime we will face many hardships. God won't take them away but He will walk with us and guide our steps if we let Him. For me this is how I have grown and will continue to grow spiritually. In the end times people will want to hear teachings that sound good but has no sound doctrine. People will not want to face the fact that they are sinners so they will make up their own version of what God's Word truly says. While reading God's Word I have begun to grasp why I need to read it with all my heart and ask the Holy Spirit to teach me. Our minister in Michigan taught us constantly to listen to the teachings others have on God's Word but don't take it fully in until you have lined God's Word up with the teaching. Do they match? If not then the lesson was not from God. I learn that God loves us all. He also teaches me that when we accept His Son we will obey all His teachings including some very unpopular teachings today we find everywhere. God will lovingly direct us and guide us but if we reject His Word He will eventually give you over to your hardened heart. To me God does love the adulterer, the homosexual, the thief etc. He will also take us from the point of our confession of sin and grow us out of that sin. Many teach that we live in the NT life and that the OT has passed so we don't have to pay attention to those teachings. I say that Jesus came to fulfill the law and died to cover us from the law. I also say that we as believers need to be guided by the Holy Spirit to learn to live the law. We will fall and but the Holy Spirit will guide us back to the law. I find that God did not like adultery in the OT and the NT. He is still against thieving, lust, greed envy too along with homosexuality. God abhorred child sacrifices in the OT and Jesus taught the value of the child in the NT. He accepted the children and was gentle with them. In everything I see that God is a God of the living not the dead. Because of this I believe God does not value our lives over the inconvience of destroying a child's life before it is born. Again I see God's Word being rearranged to fit what we want God to be and not who He is. God will discipline us and the longer we hold onto our worship of who we want Him to be the more He will discipline us. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 17 2016

Greetings My Friend Junior and I are grappling with "when is enough, enough." We have been renting our house in Michigan for 7 years now. When we decided to move to Virginia the market was upside down so our realtor suggested we rent the house. He handles the renting process for us and insures the tenant is up to date on their payments. For 10% of the rent this has been well worth renting our house. At this point we are running into inspections, cost of repairing the house to bring it back up to standard for renting, we have had one tenant who stole our light fixtures, area rugs, window air conditioner and even our shower head. At this point we are not up to much more so when this lease is up we are thinking about selling the house and if we have a loss so be it. We were waiting for a break even moment which does not seem to be coming along soon. The good part is we have broke even because the rent we are getting is covering the house payment and we receive a small profit. At first we paid a small difference. For a while we went up north when a renter left to spruce up the house, see if there were any repairs that needed to be done and did them. Today that trip is getting to be too much. Each time we go up north which we are doing less on this house as well. It is hard to divide ourselves like this. At this point it would be nice to not have a wash with the payment but to pay only one mortgage and keep the mortgage payment to use as we need. Junior and I know for sure too that we do not want to move back to Michigan's cold winters. We have snow and cold here in Southwest Virginia but it does not last as long. I no longer want to go somewhere warm each winter. I also am surprised at how much I love country living. It is quiet out here and the woods are plentiful. The mountain views are pleasing to the eye too. Slowly we are starting a vegetable garden much which we are growing in containers so I am able to get at them. Junior has a few growing in the side yard as well. For some reason we no longer need to be active in the things we were in Michigan and are content to stay home and work. We move at our own pace on our own time schedule these days as well. The quiet country life has been what we both needed and did not know until we moved here. When I retired we had no plans of moving out of state. One thought was to move into a retirement community. We talked about moving out of the suburbs and into the country but these were not set in stone. Around fall we felt strongly we were to move out of state and we settled on Virginia. My sister had moved here and we loved the area. The pace was slower, the people friendly and the mountainside scenes were breathtaking. We settled on Southwest Virginia and moved. The last few years have been stressful for us. For me the chaos of renovating, trying to work up the energy to do little tasks has been tremendous. As my doctor and I worked on what was going on with me I began to have some energy. I learned about what is going on inside of me to an extent. I have a few diagnosis' that puts a name to my problems and a few are cleared up but a couple still are plaguing me. Next month I have an appointment with a specialist and hopefully he will be able to guide me, help me keep my symptoms from progressing so quickly. I also am learning to live with my limitations and am thankful. Today I know more how to conserve my energy, work around my limitations and for the first time in years I am able to be active again. I am not active like I was 10 years ago but I am able to get things accomplished. I feel like I am settling finally into retirement, into our home and into the community in which we live. I am in awe of God because He knew what we needed before we knew what we even wanted. The other day I heard a story that I relate to. God provides the food for the mother bird but she has to go get it. God provided us this home and a new lifestyle but Junior and I have had to put the plan into action. I am so glad we listened. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Jane

May 14,2016

Greetings My Friend, Right now we are working with a new to us dog. He is around 2 years old and we felt we needed to open our home to another rescue dog. At first I was heart broken that we were tying him up on the porch but now I get it. When he sees the other dogs enter the area he rushes at them. We are spending time on the porch with him so when he rushes the dogs we correct Harley. We start by stepping on the rope to shorten the lead and begin telling him no in a firm voice. Next we love on him. He is getting treats when we go out, when he does good and he is responding. When we are in the house he can sit right by the door so we talk to him as we pass by. I want to let him in so bad and I know if we do it too soon he will be harder to train. Once we bring him in we have a crate ready to use when we are not at home and at night. We are missing Chiari who got hit by a car and we are going to use a shock collar on Brendy to keep her in the yard. I wondered about our family we are growing until driving around I see some people in our area have goats, sheep and cows so us having several dogs seems a lot like raising other types of animals. The dogs we take in are unwanted although many were born into our home their parents were a rescue. For some reason we find an understanding for them. They fill our day with love, attention and need. We are also working hard at keeping the house allergy clean as we can such as air purifers, keeping the floors cleaned and we are starting to buy leather furniture. It is helping me. Each day I am spending time boxing up tools and odds and ends that Junior has left laying around. He will sort through the box and put the things away or get rid of them. For me I have the porch space I need to get around with the walker available. The top to the lattice has a flat piece where our plants in pots are lined up and above that various bird feeders, houses and wind chimes filling the space. It is peaceful to sit on the porch and even look from my chair in the house. I remember asking God over and over "when?" I was afraid I would be too old and worn out to enjoy this beauty not only the countryside but the house, the porch and the yard. With the kitchen nearly finished but so much more livable and usable and the porch opened up I feel like I have begun to live the dream. Right now I am not organizing the kitchen like I want to that can wait until bad weather or this fall. I am cooking more and my focus is outside on the porch cleaning and fussing with that. With the wardrobe finished now and in place in the TV room I feel like I can accomplish anything. I have worked with my new limitations and now I can enter into most of the jobs without a lot of thought to it. The house and now the porch are set up for my disability and it is smooth sailing. Father God has given me an awesome gift, peace. He knows that Junior and I are easily anxious about things so He gave us this house and porch. We did not get it without some hard work which we still have some do like the master bedroom and suite and a porch off of the kitchen. Later Junior will fine tune the house such as new ceilings in each of the rooms and redo the current bathroom. He likes being busy and the long term business is good for him. For now though we are able to be comfortable and I love it. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 12 , 2016

Greetings My Friend, I am grateful that the addition to the porch is fairly much done because I love sitting outside as much as I can. Today I planted a few of the celery stalks we have been growing inside the house and I am sitting the pot next a few of the flowers. I am writing now and I have brought my yoyo's out to work on later. Inside I put the wardrobe together and I like the look. I need to do some sit down work after my rest I will gather up some more things and put them in a box for Junior to sort through. He is good about that so I am thankful. This year he keeps telling me that he is not going to allow things to pile up like they have been. I am grateful he lets me pile his clutter in a spot and he sorts through it. He could let it sit but he is faithful to get it put away. He is also learning that saving everything is really not as thrifty as he thinks it is. He has started seeing that he will buy the same item a few times because he can't find what he is looking for. The nice part for me is I am learning that the house does not have to be perfect. It needs to have order and frequent cleaning. I used to try to keep it all up. Retirement and disability is teaching me to relax my standards. Junior and I are truly meeting in the middle on this issue. Junior is starting to understand my need for a space wide enough for me to get the walker through. When I have to take off on my own steam I wear down quicker. Having the space to walk all over the house and porch is important to me. One of the nice things about the walker is I can load it with things to put in another room. I don't have to make as many trips getting things from one area to another area. The walker is also handy when I go outside, I can bring the land line phone, my cell phone, the laptop and my sewing can. That fear of being dependent on the walker and wheelchair seems foolish now. Little did I know how much these devices are making it possible for me to take care of business. We ran Harley to the Vet this morning to get his first check up and I sat in the truck while Junior took him in. I am learning to be content riding along with Junior and staying in the car from time to time while he goes in and does what he went to town for. Sometimes I take my yoyo's and sew them and sometimes I color on a coloring app. I think the scary part was how to utilize my time and not get bored. I see it is important to be able to work with my hands when I can't be on my feet. If I keep my mind active then I do not have time to think and let my thoughts go a muck. I think that being able to decline slowly helps me accept my loss a bit easier because I get an idea of how to cope. I do know that my total fear of being in a wheelchair is fairly much gone. My staying connected to God is a huge help. He does not mind when I am beside myself with fear. He keeps comforting me and slowly He shows me it will be okay. At this point I truly don't want to walk this journey on my own. I need that ear that will listen, will encourage and push me. Junior is not interested in my detailed talks about how this and why that and I wonder if. As a man he just does it and if it does not work then he tries something else. Not me I need to verbalize each thing and in that I begin to accept then move on. God fills that gap for me. He fills all kinds of gaps and does not mind. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 10, 2010

Greetings My Friend A couple of passages in the Bible are speaking to me right now about love. What is true love and how does it operate is the question I ask myself often. When I hear sermons on love I understand that the love I know is not healthy but at times it is the only way I can give love from my fractured mindset. Celebrate Recovery has a group for people with this mindset and if I were around a group I would think on going to it. Allowing myself to be abused should have been my first clue that loving was off kilter for me. Sometimes I see that these groups in Celebrate Recovery are more overlapping than we realize. The first passage appears in both the OT and the NT and it reads "Love God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul. The 2nd is love your neighbor as yourself." Love my neighbor as myself means I need to love myself first. Counseling kept teaching me that I am no good to anyone if I keep giving until I am so spent I can't give anymore. It seemed selfish of me to want to take care of myself and then I learn to love my neighbor as myself and God is telling me in order to give healthy love I need to first love myself. If you know me by now you realize that I am going to keep digging and wandering around this point. It is a bone to be chewed on until I slowly begin to wrap my mind around it. The first question I have is...so what does love really truly look like? God is so awesome because about now I am told to look up. "Father...I know You are love but? The way only He can do He begins to point me to look at the cross, at Jesus' birth, how Sara conceived at 90 years old, God took the people of Israel out of Egypt and they crossed the sea and God finally stops all the way back to Adam and Eve. I see God not pleased with them, but after He kicks them out of the garden God did not just leave them, he killed an animal, made clothes for Adam and Eve. I am beginning to see love in action and it is not an enabling love but an abling love. God will equip us to love as He loves. My spider web begins to weave here and there and I wonder how I am able to learn to love the way God loves. While I am absorbed in the times I loved in an enabling way to keep those I was loving in their dysfunction I begin to see how I was making excuses for their bad behavior.I had such excuses as they had a hard life or they can not read very well so it is my job to "fix" them. Life has taught me that the only person I can fix is myself unless that person wants to fix themselves it is a useless endeavor. While I am pondering I almost hear God say, "over here Janet," something seems to guide my eyes back to my study lesson I am reading "love your neighbor as yourself," on the page in the Bible. "I get it I say out loud." I understand that if I want to learn to love the way God loves then I need to read the Bible, not only listen to the preacher or a book a famous author wrote about the Bible but the Bible itself. Slowly I feel another verse that has danced around in my thoughts often found in the NT, "husbands love your wives as yourself." When I stumbled across this verse I first saw men, even women who ran themselves ragged, over eaters and even those caught up in addiction trying to love as they care for their own bodies. I saw the physical aspects of loving not the "heart" of love. We all will fall short because we are in a fallen world, more recently I keep learning the "heart" message and some days I totally get it. I think back to when I met Junior. I remember thinking he was okay looking but being enamored with his heart. Somehow I saw the genuine heart of love. I saw his loyalty in all things. I am the first to admit going to his house the first time wondering about a ladder living in the living room so he could put an air purifer on it to clean the air and thinking "oh...nice?" Even though I felt drawn to Junior. We still see things differently often at the end of the day I don't want to be anywhere else but with Junior. We work on the problem until we meet in the middle. He works with me which opens the door for me to want to work with him. He loves me as he loves himself and I learn being different is not so bad. God will give me the tools to love as He loves if I am willing to listen and then put what I learn into action. My last thought is "it is that simple?" My God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 7 2016

Greetings My Friend My journal entry reads "Faith is what changes me, by believing God I have faith. Through Jesus I am redeemed and by Abraham I am a child of the most High God. like this phrase for some reason and then most often I follow it with "there is only one God.) Lord Jesus I believe." For the longest time I felt alone in this world. I felt it as a child because I never truly knew my Dad's family. I adopted a connection to the old family pictures Grandma C had some of the tintypes and some pictures of her father's parents and of her when she was a child. I felt connected to the past and to the future as I lived life, married and had children. One of the things I am learning in the NT is Jesus' lineage, how we are now related to the promise that was given to Abraham. "Christ redeemed us from the law be becoming a curse for us-for it is written cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree....for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith....if you are Christ's then you are Abraham's offspring heirs according to the promise." After reading all of the passage even the parts I left out I had that connection I have longed for. I belong, I have lineage and I able to pass on my faith to another generation whether they are my bloodline or not I have other children waiting to be born into the faith to share life with. Life in Jesus. Today it is raining and Junior and I are cleaning out the spare bedroom. Brenda stays at our house very little these days so we have decided to make it into a gym. We are cleaning, I made us lunch, some ice tea and did a little picking up this morning. As I do, my mind questioned "How is this living my faith?" I loved making lunch for Junior and I it is a necessary thing eating and we need to do it each day not only one time but throughout the day. Like I do I took my thoughts elsewhere which led me to some programs on TV I watch. I enjoy watching programs where people live off the grid. They spend their day searching for food and preparing for survival during the winter months when fresh food is not as available. It is a very focused way of life and these people choose to live this way. In Alaska they need to have a way to heat their home which often entails getting enough wood cut up and stored where they can get at it fairly easily since it is dark for a few months. These people are always busy, there is not time to slack off. My next turn of thoughts looks back over history where people made their own food, hunted for their meet and grew their fruits, vegetables and grains for flour. Labor tended to be divided between women and men. I like having my life defined like this. I see that many times males were not born into the family so the women had to do some of the males work and vice versa. Here goes another switch in thoughts, this time I am thinking about how much I am enjoying my days. I don't know how far I can go with the back to the old way of doing things but I do know I am enjoying living a more simple lifestyle. I am slowly getting away from the hectic pace I used to keep. I am making my own household cleaning products. I use vinegar and lemons to clean with a lot more now. I make my own toothpaste and frankly it only takes a few seconds to combine baking soda and hydrogen peroxide together. I don't see me making lye soap anytime soon but I am buying it and I am saving on body wash and shampoo. My sensitive skin is responding to this soap rather well. Aloe Vera gel is the gel I am using in my hair. Lastly I am making no knead bread. With all of my day working at preparing food and living healthy I enjoy the richness of life. I like things like indoor plumbing, electricity and even my cell phone. I am not ready to go totally off the grid but I do enjoy a much simpler life. Lastly I think about how all of this is living my faith. With my mind occupied on day to day living I don't have time to let it wander in the gutter, to live old hurts for long and to be a gossip. I like this. When I do talk with people then I am able to focus on the conversation and the needs others have better. I have quiet time to study God's Word and to listen to the promptings God places on my heart. I think I will keep working on this new way of doing life. I truly do like it. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 5, 2016

Greetings My Friend As I write, it is Thursday and I have gotten the major chores done I do each week. Each evening this week I have gone out to the mostly cleaned off porch now to work on a wardrobe. Last night we went for a walk with Junior pushing me in the wheelchair. My life could not feel fuller and richer. As a young mother in the 70's it was not cool to stay home to raise your children. I was able to for a few years and I felt so alone. All I wanted to be and do was be an at home mother cooking, cleaning and raising the children. Mike needed speech therapy because his hearing was not right. He had fluid buildup and when he had tubes in his ears he heard and when he did not he could not hear thus the need for speech therapy because his speech was delayed. I was able to spend time working with him to get his speech up to par. Due to finances I wound up going to work. At first I hoped a part time job would suffice but when money continued to be tight I went to work, got a bit of college education so I could get a decent income. I was ashamed to have my children on lunch assistance when I was capable to work. In retirement I am living the life I wanted to so many years ago. I am cooking, cleaning and caring for Junior and our fur children. Daisy thinks she is an appendage to me and yes I love that too. This week I have made bread again. I have switched over to making salads for our meals for the summer and we are attempting to grow some of our fruits and vegetables along with the potential (if it grows) of ginger and a few herbs. Instead of drinking ice tea I drink lemon ginger tea. I love this wholesome type of life. I have been seeing some information in regards to how our preventive shots have so much more in them than the virus to prevent disease. I know I won't take a flu shot. I have seen where a friend got extremely ill from it and it took months of rehab for him to recover. My goal more recently is to revert back to all that God has provided in His creation for us. Essential oils are big right now and I have had a lot of relief with them. Junior and I have been taking supplements for years and to be honest Junior is doing amazingly well. With his back as bad as it is he is still mobile because of chiropractic adjustments. He worked in a chemical paint factory with poor ventilation and because of his supplements and exercising routinely he is in real good shape. His walk with God has him making more healthy life decisions such as he not drinking or smoking since his late 20's or so. If God indicates that a lifestyle choice is not good Junior believes God and works with the Holy Spirit in stopping or staying away from such choices. Because I have seen Junior day in and day out for all these years I choose to follow his example. I learn what I can as I read the Bible about living wholesome and healthy and do it with the Holy Spirit's help. Both Junior and I deal with life choices we made in our lives before our earnest walk of faith and we are in a fallen world so we do suffer the effects of such a world. Still, I find that the earths bounty tastes so much better than man made over processed until the original hardly looks the same. Keeping this lifestyle takes work too. If I were to go all out canning and putting food up all summer would be all I would do. Last night Junior and I were working around and on the front porch. I am refurbishing a wardrobe to use to store my craft supplies in and Junior is clearing tools and stuff off the porch. Towards the end of our working he decided we needed to take a walk so he pushed me in the wheelchair down the street. We visited a neighbor before heading back home again. We worked, we visited and then we went in to finish our evening with a little TV before going to bed. I loved our day. As I finish out the week I have a few things I still would like to get done and then Sunday we go to church. My disability wears on me so after church we sleep most of the afternoon. I find this rest helpful for me to enter into the work week. God's way is the joy I keep finding in my life the more I learn to live it.May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet

May 3, 2016

Greetings My Friend We know spring is here by the budding of the trees, the greening of the grass and the warm sunshine inviting us to be outside. I know the signs of our house becoming a home instead of a renovation pile of boards, stuff lining up every usable space. For a few weeks now our front porch is seeing less ladders, tools and huge amounts of "stuff." I knew Junior widened the porch but until the stuff left the porch I had not seen the amount of space we truly have. As Junior left to get his wound cleaned from his thumb amputation this morning I remarked that we will have several areas to sit on the front porch and the rockers and chairs we have picked up will look nice let up around the porch. I am excited to move the flower pots along the length of the porch this year instead of piled at one end like we did last summer because he was widening it. This porch is now an outdoor room waiting to be decorated and made to be an invitation to people to come sit for a spell. With the kitchen in a semi finished state and now the porch it seems like our home has doubled in size. I have been refurbishing a wardrobe on the porch waiting until evening after the heat of the day and the pollen of the morning to work on it. Once more Junior and I are eating at the table a pleasure we have not had for 6 years and it is wonderful. I was excited, anxious and finally I have resigned myself to the long renovation time and now I am seeing the end in sight. When we started this process I felt we would be done in 2-3 years. I am grateful for the longer than expected length of renovation because we have lived in our home which means what we would have wanted when we started has had time to gel and given us more time to see how we will truly need the space set up in each room. I would say we have another 3 or more years to finish up all of the renovating. We have a master bedroom to do with a bathroom attached to it and to expand our TV room. Once Junior is done on the porch, doing a few things in the kitchen he has a back porch he is going to work on, hopefully finish by winter and then he will head back in to finish the kitchen. He often works 2 or 3 different areas at a time. A lot of the bouncing around is because his back needs a break. Waiting on God's timing seems to be a lesson I am working through right now. When I learn to give in and wait I find that God's timing is perfect. For me I see the slow process has been a chance for me to regroup and to begin learning to live in a body that is disabled. I have learned to be content to stay home more instead of being a busy bee type of woman. I have gotten my asthma under control, I am using the walker these days and as I push myself to take advantage of the aids for walking I am returning to a level of energy I have not seen in a while. I am able to keep up with the housework, to be in the kitchen cooking and baking more and attacking a huge decopauge project like the wardrobe. God has been with me teaching me, guiding me and Junior has been offering me a gift of a home. Life could not be sweeter. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude to Jesus first and to Junior 2nd. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Jane