May 12 , 2016

Greetings My Friend, I am grateful that the addition to the porch is fairly much done because I love sitting outside as much as I can. Today I planted a few of the celery stalks we have been growing inside the house and I am sitting the pot next a few of the flowers. I am writing now and I have brought my yoyo's out to work on later. Inside I put the wardrobe together and I like the look. I need to do some sit down work after my rest I will gather up some more things and put them in a box for Junior to sort through. He is good about that so I am thankful. This year he keeps telling me that he is not going to allow things to pile up like they have been. I am grateful he lets me pile his clutter in a spot and he sorts through it. He could let it sit but he is faithful to get it put away. He is also learning that saving everything is really not as thrifty as he thinks it is. He has started seeing that he will buy the same item a few times because he can't find what he is looking for. The nice part for me is I am learning that the house does not have to be perfect. It needs to have order and frequent cleaning. I used to try to keep it all up. Retirement and disability is teaching me to relax my standards. Junior and I are truly meeting in the middle on this issue. Junior is starting to understand my need for a space wide enough for me to get the walker through. When I have to take off on my own steam I wear down quicker. Having the space to walk all over the house and porch is important to me. One of the nice things about the walker is I can load it with things to put in another room. I don't have to make as many trips getting things from one area to another area. The walker is also handy when I go outside, I can bring the land line phone, my cell phone, the laptop and my sewing can. That fear of being dependent on the walker and wheelchair seems foolish now. Little did I know how much these devices are making it possible for me to take care of business. We ran Harley to the Vet this morning to get his first check up and I sat in the truck while Junior took him in. I am learning to be content riding along with Junior and staying in the car from time to time while he goes in and does what he went to town for. Sometimes I take my yoyo's and sew them and sometimes I color on a coloring app. I think the scary part was how to utilize my time and not get bored. I see it is important to be able to work with my hands when I can't be on my feet. If I keep my mind active then I do not have time to think and let my thoughts go a muck. I think that being able to decline slowly helps me accept my loss a bit easier because I get an idea of how to cope. I do know that my total fear of being in a wheelchair is fairly much gone. My staying connected to God is a huge help. He does not mind when I am beside myself with fear. He keeps comforting me and slowly He shows me it will be okay. At this point I truly don't want to walk this journey on my own. I need that ear that will listen, will encourage and push me. Junior is not interested in my detailed talks about how this and why that and I wonder if. As a man he just does it and if it does not work then he tries something else. Not me I need to verbalize each thing and in that I begin to accept then move on. God fills that gap for me. He fills all kinds of gaps and does not mind. May God bless you and keep you make His face shine on you. Love Janet