January 21 2014

January 23, 2014
Greetings My Friend,
Today as I write it is Monday. I am fairly much back to normal after the ear infection. I still am
a little plugged and hopefully that too will go away soon. For the most part I am back
to "me." I've swept the floors, made cabbage soup, wrote one blog and another one is in
the making as I write. I've read my Bible and I've prayed along with walked on the excercise
machine. Not bad really.
Junior is working around the house. He has not worked on the kitchen now for a couple of weeks.
I want to get anxious and then I talk to myself and start to pray. I am not upset or anxious. It
is what it is.
Junior does Junior. I do "me" and somehow with God's help we tend to be able to accept each other's
strange ways. I like that feeling a lot especially when I know I am being difficult I know that Junior
will accept me "just the way" I am. So as he accepts me "just the way I am" I learn to accept Junior as
he is. It is a freeing feeling really.
We also know that there is "no out" as well. That tends to make me feel confident and gives me the freedom
to be "me" even when I find myself a bit of a struggle. Junior asked me before he asked me to marry him if I
planned on taking our marriage seriously. At the time I fluffed it off. In my mind was "of course." I was married
for 24 years the first time, so why ask?
As the years have gone on though I find that our commitment to make this marriage work is a blessing. I don't question
Junior's intentions because I know his intentions. That feels free and secure and awesome! There is no giving up on
each other just because we are having a "rough" patch. We keep trying till we get it right.
In the first marriage I tried to love on my own steam. This marriage I love with God's guidance and help. It works so
much better. At times God opens my eyes to Junior in awesome ways. Sometimes God opens Junior's eyes to me. In this
process we tend to forgive more readily and we don't hold on to past hurts.
Junior's work methods are not organized in a way I can understand. I find it hard to follow Junior and be a helpmate.
Part of "me" is so girly girl. I cannot figure out how to handle any type of tools and I am real weak. I am a girly
girl and Junior likes this in me.
With more energy I am able to give Junior a picked up front room, bedroom and bathroom these days. I make meals a few
times a week. He accepts crock pot meals that last for a few days and then I make something else. I can give to my guy
in these ways and he is happy.
He gets that I have Chronic Fatigue and there are days I flat out can't move. With the vitamin b 12 I find more energy but
to be honest my ear infection took me back to sleeping most of the day and barely moving. This week I am once more back
to doing "me."
In all of this Junior is patient with me so as I feel anxious with Junior's work style I also find that I tend to move
into patience with him. Junior has an extremely bad back so he moves as his back will let him. He accepts that I have
a need to stop and sleep or just sit so I find a need to accept his need to stop, sleep etc. It works out and anger is
not something we give into very often.
Yes I want things to move along quicker but I know my guy is giving me all he can at the pace he can. This makes me want
to be patient. As I see him finsh things I marvel at what he has created and then again I find the wait worth the while.
He has an ability to make things just as we need them for our limited abilities.
Before I knew that I had Chronic Fatigue Junior had a tendency to think I was lazy. He told me often that he thought I was
just being lazy. I finally had heard enough and asked him to quit telling me what he thought. As time went on we discovered
I wasn't being lazy but had Chronic Fatigue. As I have learned to deal with this and have gained some energy I do what I
can when I can and sit when I can't only to go again when I can.
These days Junior tends to watch out for me. If we are traveling and touring a bit too much he finds me a place to sit still
for a bit till I have more energy and then we go again. He will stop me sooner to call it day if necessary. I appreciate that
so much. He knows I am doing the best I can and I don't have to defend myself.
I have the same attitude with Junior and his back. I know that his pain level is high and that pain tires him out so I feel
patient with his tiredness and his slower pace. It is what he needs in order to give me the house he wants to give me. He
wants to do the work as well. If that is what he wants then I am his cheerleader.
At first Junior thought that I was being lazy. He was being honest with me. As I had enough and told him to "stop" he did. He
also was paying attention to my struggles and as they unfolded and we had a name for my struggle he let go of the "lazy"
attitude he had. He knows I am being and doing the best I can these days.
Lately it has been the the "being stupid" comments that I needed to quit hearing. He thought I was playing a game of "stupid" with
him when I wasn't. I have had anger issues for a good portion of my life. God has walked me through the anger issues and these
days I have a tendency to "gloss" over those moments that used to make me so mad that I wanted to spit. I am not playing
stupid by any means. I am letting go of a need to react though and now Junior understands why I have the dis-interested
mode going. It is not to appear stupid but to let go of "junk."
As I look at myself I don't play stupid too often at all these days. I will if I feel threatened but beyond that I give
Junior my whole thought on life. I no longer am afraid if I have a different thought than he does. There have been moments
where Junior has come to my way of thinking as I explain myself. That feels awesome so if we have a moment where we
are not on the same page I am no longer afraid.
Junior's comments were said in love. He did not know for a while. When I had enough I told him rather directly that I was not
up to those comments any longer and he quit. He is a gem that way. He will listen to me. I also know that when he has those
hurtfull comments he is trying to seek my highest good. When I tell him enough is enough he stops and he is willing to
look beyond his preconceived ideas. I respect Junior for that. In that I also will strive to seek Junior's highest good and if
that means he moves slow that is ok.
Because Junior is willing to meet me half way I find myself wanting to meet him halfway and we rarely have a fight. We rarely raise
our voices. There are times I have to ask God how to "talk" to Junior and God helps me. I think a life in God, for God and all
His glory is the way to go.
May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you.
Love
Janet