November 16 2013

November 16 2013 Greetings My Friend, The carpets are being cleaned and the other cleaning is starting to take shape. Since Vitamin b 12 has been added to my daily supplement routine I find myself being of more help than I have been in years and loving it as well. The major problem is getting the part for the water heater. The repair guy never showed up yesterday. Junior has gone to more parts stores and no luck there either. We’d rather not buy a new heater, we’ve spent enough money but if we have to we will. Last night at Celebrate Recovery I found myself calmer than I had been when I first started going to the group. Since I could not find any groups near me that met during the day due to the darkness of the region and my night blindness I wound up back in counseling. That helped as well. The Prozac and prayer is what got me over the edge of despair that I felt and today life is once more sweet. During our share time last night I found that we each took 5 minutes to tell our story or our concerns. There was no back and forth. Each woman talked and no one offered any input. It felt good to have the floor and talk about my concerns. I felt alongside of the other women as they went through their struggle as well. I feel like we each took from each other which were very helpful as well. The worship service before our open share time was great as well. It was a time to center on God and quiet down our minds. After the service we went to our specific group that had people with the same problems as we did. I went to the “Survivors of Abuse” group. Even though my abuse has ended and I’ve been away from it for 16 years I find moments of total fear that want to over whelm me. I could not put fear behind me. I tried to rationalize it and to ignore it but that pesky fear kept me hostage. I could not walk away as hard as I tried even with prayer. I prayed and prayed asking God if I needed medication. I sensed the “go ahead” from the Lord. I have been on medication for a year and a half. I can honestly say that I am able to process the scary thoughts quickly. I even start the conversation in my head now and when I realize it is in there I ask God to take the thought away. The neat thing is that the thought disappears rather quickly these days. I even have days where the thoughts don’t come to me. Not every day but many days I get to the end of the day and find I had no thought at all. I also am not verbalizing each fear. I did not even know I was saying “his” name so much each day. I did not recall any thought other than the fear that would not leave me. I thought I was keeping those thoughts to myself only to find I was not. As each woman went around the table telling their story last night I felt a kinship with them. They know more than most people the struggle. For me most people don’t want to know about my struggle. They don’t want to hear that “he” was that mean. Even people that never met him don’t want to hear. Last night I could verbalize the fear and not get negative feedback. As I verbalized what I needed to I felt myself letting go even more. I love the Christian setting of Celebrate Recovery. I had a Christian counselor at one point and found that to be so helpful. As I learned how to not enter into abuse I felt led to God and God gave me the release and comfort I needed. Prior to my last counselor I had counselor’s that were not Christian in their approach. They were good and I learned a lot. It was the Christian outlook that has helped me the most. The other amazing thing is I don’t have any anger at my ex. At best I am indifferent. He is the father of my children and grandfather of the grandchildren. As I tried to reenter into the kid’s activities I found that my ex wanted to talk my ear off. I tried to walk away or act uninterested and he still followed me around. Afterward I was so wore out. We moved ten hours away. I have no more interactions with my ex. I am not near during the holidays so I don’t deal with the over friendly ways. I am sad that I am not around but to be honest the peace is worth the loss of time with my kids and their families. I also sense that my son has dealt with the anger of abuse he suffered as well and that I stayed instead of leaving much earlier. These days when we talk I don’t hear the “Why did you’s” That too helps me move past the past and I am able to stay in the present so much better these days as well. Some people seem to think that getting over the effects of abuse should go away once you leave the situation. My first goal was if I were to marry again that I would not marry an abusive man. I recently hooked up with a male cousin I had never met. He is an angry man and is mad at the world. I found myself trying to console him. I tried to move him out of his despair. Rather soon into the relationship building process it occurred to me that my cousin wanted to be mad and stay mad and did not want to be happy. Soon I found myself not calling him. I am proud that I did not keep trying to “help” him. That interaction taught me that “yes” I am recovering and “no” I can’t allow myself to “help” people out of something they don’t want help getting out of. As with an addict who a break free from their addiction and has to never go near the substance again I too have to not allow myself to try to fix someone who does not want to be fixed. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine on you. Love Janet