August 22, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I am in my comfy chair in the midst of my morning routines of prayer, Bible reading, FBing and journaling. I love my routine and it gives my day a sense of direction. I look out the window at the trees and the blue sky and my heart feels ever so content. I realize that I have not shut the blinds at night for a long time now. I am comfortable with the blinds open. For most of my life the minute it got dark out I closed up the house by shutting doors and closing curtains or blinds so no one can look in as they walk or drive by. I can generally conjure up a picture of something ready to attack my house and I don’t want anyone to see in. As I have gone through these past few years of being awake late into the night I am learning that there is nothing waiting outside to hurt me. It is a fear I have had for a good portion of my life and finally this one is starting to lay to rest. Prozac I believe is helping me be more comfortable with this fear. Junior has also helped. Until I met Junior even night time was a fearful time for me. As a child I remember hearing my Dad walk around in the night in my bedroom. It scared me real bad. In my first marriage I never felt safe….anger could arise at any moment even in the middle of the night. With Junior though I am learning that night time does not need to be fearful and I wake up many mornings to sounds of Junior working around the house. It has gotten to be a precious sound. Sometimes I hear him playing with one of the animals and again it is a precious sound to me. Junior is the first person I have felt completely safe with. He has never tried to hurt me and for that I am grateful. As I have gone through my appendix and now these blackouts and what have you I find Junior truly wants to be my friend, lover and companion. I no longer feel that when I don’t measure up in his mind that he wants to get rid of me. He meant “for better or for worse” as we married. I love that feeling beyond belief. As I struggle with my falls, my lack of remembering and lack of energy I feel Junior at my side working with me and again that feels awesome. I am learning that my low blood pressure seems to be playing havoc with my energy levels and as we continue to go through the tests I pray that I will have a sense of energy again. Junior takes me for my walks these days. I am still scared of blacking out so he goes with me and he sets the pace for the walk, the length of the walk. He seems to get that I am out of breath easier lately and won’t push me. If I were in charge of setting the pace, I would keep setting it to high and Junior seems to know what I can handle….I love him even more for understanding my limits. I love feeling like I matter to Junior. He watches after me like I matter too. I love it. For the first time in my life I am feeling like a wanted person and again that feels wonderful. As I feel God’s love, through Junior, through friends and even my kids well, I find life to be about as sweet as it can be, even in the hard times. Junior is able to let go of relationships rather easy. Due to his upbringing he had to learn to let go and in many ways it has helped him. At times he has helped me let go when I needed to let go and didn’t want to. He always turns to God and in that I learn that God is near helping do life in a day to day way. Somewhere in all of this I also hear God telling me that He cares and that is why I have Junior, my friends, my kids etc. So I may not be close with my siblings, aunts and uncles but God seems to say that He loves me by the way I have precious friends who love on me. I am finally starting to let go of people who seem to not want me and I don’t grieve as I once did. I now am cherishing the ones that want me in their life instead. For me to know that I matter has meant a lot. As I see how much I am loved…..I tend to want to reach out and love even more. I don’t have to go looking for love anymore. God will bring me the love I need to survive so I love Junior in ways I never knew how to love before. It is a precious feeling of freedom I now have. My goal in life is not seek love but to love others and that feels wonderful. In all of this I find that God wants me and that is enough now. In this freedom I also find a purpose and a direction for life. I am no longer the lost girl looking for love. I am the loved girl reaching out and loving as God loves me. It too is precious. I find my whole attitude is of love and frankly it feels wonderful. I spent the first half of my life looking for love. I am spending the last portion of my life trying to give love away and again that feels wonderful. The more I learn to Agape love, the more love I seem to have. I love seeking another’s highest good and somewhere in all of that I find life to be sweet. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet