August 18, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I have anger in my spirit and I don’t want it there. It is not going to do any good to be angry and it won’t make the situation go away. I feel my finger pointing and wanting to scream it is all “Your fault.” Right away I see that the pointing and blaming won’t make the situation any better and I will still have to go through what I am facing so I am in prayer asking God to help me accept the diagnosis that is yet to be given to me. I am stumbling and falling down much too much. I have always been an agile person so this puzzles me. When Junior and I were talking to a lawyer about me getting on SS early because I can’t work I start to realize I have more wrong with me than emotional struggles. I begin to see me stumbling more and my cognitive abilities have gone down the tubes and frankly again I realize I can’t work if I wanted to. It is a very sobering moment and I am grappling with the fact that I can’t work. I had thought a part time job would be fun in retirement. It would get me out and with people and I could earn a little bit of spending money. The reality is I can’t even keep up with my volunteer activities. I go weeks before I am back to my volunteer activities because I am sick, weak unable to get out and help. I am struggling to do daily tasks at home and Junior has had to pick up my slack. This makes me feel worse because he is working hard at renovating the house and now he is picking up my slack. I want to make our home comfortable for him while he works hard at fixing our house turning it into a home. I am able to keep up with making meals sort of. Junior does not mind left overs so I am grateful. I make soup often and when I bake meat I tend to make enough for 2 meals. Junior tends to make his own breakfast since he is up several hours before I get up. When I can I do whatever I have the energy for. I keep trying to add to my day only I seem to have something else go wrong with me. Last fall it was my appendix acting up on me for a few months prior to having surgery. Then I fell and well frankly I am struggling to come back to a sense of energy. I am gaining a bit more energy but then we have a day of running to Doctor appointments and such and then I am wore out to no end and the next day is a day for me to sit all day. After the fall I realize that I have been blacking out for a few years now. At this point I believe it is my low blood pressure and I am working on dealing with that. Then I notice I am stumbling more and more. We were at Best Buy the other day and I fell flat on my face. Nothing tripped me I just fell down. I begin to look back and see how unstable I have become. I get uneasy when the dogs greet us in the yard and they want to greet me and sometimes in their excitement they jump on me. I am uneasy and find myself trying to balance myself. When Junior and I walk I have a tendency to walk into him. So I begin to wonder why I am not balanced anymore. I have always been agile and this puzzles me. Then I begin to remember a lifetime of abuse. I want to point fingers and blame. Frankly though what good would that do, I would still have to deal with the issue of my lack of coordination. Just because I point my finger does not mean that the problem will go away. So blaming is not what I need to focus my attention on at present. I also realize I could have other problems due to my irresponsible behavior. My family and currently my sister is dealing with a lifetime of smoking. She is struggling with emphysema. I could have taken up smoking. I did do drugs for a few years. I have a cousin who played around with heron and he lost his mental abilities. I could have had problems with the drugs in my system. So I am trying not to point my finger and blame. Again what good what it do to blame someone for my struggle? I will still have the struggle and it won’t go away. I would have anger and frankly none of that will make the situation go away. I have a Doctor’s appointment this afternoon and of course I will mention to her about my current findings of blacking out and stumbling. My guess is I will begin a new journey as we look into what is going on inside of me. I will have anxious moments and I will have answers that have been plaguing me. This Doctor has been wonderful so far. She has me on Prozac and the CPAP machine. For the first time in years I am sleeping through the night. It feels wonderful. Not only is Prozac helping my emotions it is helping me sleep and it has helped me with my bathroom struggles. I am more stable and able to eat more fruits and vegetables and not have embarrassing moments now. That makes me happy. So I am attempting to move out of the blame attitude. I have mentioned my thoughts to a couple of friends and frankly as I mentioned these thoughts I have found that the blaming is useless. It won’t take away the problem. It may not have been the abuse that is causing my problems. I am taking my fear and my struggle to God. That is where my comfort and strength is coming from. The blame game only makes the problem worse. Here is my question yet again, where is your hope? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet