July 7, 2012 Greetings My Friend, There is nothing more than I’d like to do than to walk in God’s ways. It is on my heart consistently to seek the Lord and to walk in His ways. God has guided me through the maze of feelings about Prozac and I am seeing wonderful benefits from listening to God and being on it. God opened my heart to Junior when we were dating and Junior’s heart to me and we have enjoyed a wonderful relationship. God continues to guide me in how to be the woman Junior needs. Junior recently stated that he was getting very discouraged with me prior to going onto Prozac. He felt that I may become addicted and was not for me going on it. Through prayer and a consistent conversation with God I went ahead and went on it. I have seen wonderful changes in my personality. I am not afraid like I was. I even had a man work with me for a sleep study and fear did not reign inside of me. I generally have to talk to myself a whole lot when I need to deal with men. I went ahead and went on Prozac and I am continuing to see a difference in my reactions to life. The differences are good ones and healthier ones. As I have sorted out some of my struggles since being on Prozac I am finding that I am learning some valuable things. One of the struggles I have dealt with is my lack of “doing.” At one point in my life I enjoyed keeping house. I was never an immaculate house keeper but my home has been clean and neat. Since Junior took over the housework when he retired and I continued to work, my abilities have gone down the tubes. When we moved to Haysi I was overwhelmed with the smallness of the house. I found it hard to find a home for all the things we owned. We weren’t ready to get rid of everything at that point not knowing what we would do in the future. It did not make sense to get rid of furniture etc. So we hung onto a lot of things. We still need to assess what we will keep and what we will throw away. Our out buildings are still full of things and hopefully as Junior finishes the inside we then will get rid of even more things. It is my goal to be Junior’s helpmate. I want to be what he needs me to be. That is what I desire the most. In the midst of trying to be what Junior needs me to be, I have lost track of who I am and what I need. I am a person who thrives a lot better in order and is a float in disorder. Our house has been in disorder and I can’t figure out how to do the simplest tasks. Junior functions well even better in disorder. He is not dirty by any means but he is not as tidy as I like to be either. I have often marveled at our similarities. We both like dark chicken meat. We like the color green. We like to get up each and every Sunday and go to church. We both like trucks. We like a whole lot of the same things and it feels wonderful. I love when I am talking and I say “we like” as a couple we like a whole lot of the same things. We are also different. First and foremost he is a man and thinks like a man and I am a woman and think like a woman. We tend to confound each other with our different reactions to life events. I often hear him complaining about a woman in a movie and I think “wow” I thought she was trying to…whatever. At that moment I realize we don’t have the same set of eyes. He sees things from his male way of thinking. I see them from my female way of thinking. I meet many couples who are on the same page as far as their housework is concerned. They have beautiful homes, everything is in place. One guy I know gets off on cleaning and arranging the kitchen cupboards. Junior and I part company on housework. We have different needs. Again I am a person who thrives with order and Junior is comfortable in dis-order. So I have gotten to the point I sit most days. I do my journaling, writing, Bible study. Then I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t even kept the family room up. Mr. Junior thinks it is cute when the dogs are chewing paper and will give them various things to chew on. All of a sudden there is a huge mess and I am tired of sweeping and I sit with the mess. As I am coming out of my depression I realize some of my depression is I have forgotten how to be a housekeeper. I have never known how to keep house with Junior. He does not want a spotless home. It irritates him. I want a spotless home. Where does what Junior wants and what I want end? That is my pondering. I want to be what he needs, but I also need to be true to who I am as well. At this point I realize I will need to be what I need to be. I realize I will need to keep the house where I need it to be. I am re-learning how to get into housework again. My counselor has taught me to do one thing a day and that is my goal. I am doing a little bit each day. I am a list maker so in my mind if I have done one thing, that is one thing to check off. The hope is soon it will be second nature again. Each morning I pick out something I want to accomplish. Some days I actually get something done. I am learning to rejoice when I do and have patience with me when I don’t. I don’t believe God wants me to be swallowed up into Junior to the point I am no longer me. So I continue to learn how to draw the lines I need to in life. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet