Greetings My Friend, For years I have wanted to hear that what I have endured was abuse and it was bad. I want others to approve to acknowledge that what I went through was real hard. As I process with the aid of Prozac I find I still will ponder abuse and how it has affected me. Many times I want to be acknowledged for what I endured. I remember being told over and over that what I felt was not acceptable or right and I have wanted to do the right thing, believe the right and live right. As a child I wanted to live a “normal” life. The problem is what exactly is “normal?” Living the right life is also a matter of speculation as well. For me the right life is living how God created me. It means being true to my husband and attempting to be what my husband needs me to be. These are my goals in life. Are they normal? I’m not so sure everyone has those same goals. So “normal” is a matter of preference. For me the right life is to love deeply and giving of myself to those I love. I also believe I try to love my neighbor as myself. I attempt to read the Bible and each time I ask God to open my heart to the lessons I need to learn in order to live what I am learning. At this stage of my life I want to live as I hear God teaching me. Life without God was so painful to me. I believe God has held me when I felt unwanted by the world’s standards. I believe God took me as a sinner and is transforming me into a woman after God’s own heart. So I try desperately to not judge. I do find that God will be pretty straight forward on some things so I will attempt to be straight forward where I can. As I process a lifetime of abuse I am realizing others may not understand what I went through. I need to ask God if what I endured was indeed that bad and if others don’t think it was, well that’s their thinking. I know what went on. God knows what went on in my life. God comforts me each time I am in tears. God holds me ever so tenderly. I truly am finding out that I don’t need the acknowledgement that I have craved. My pain is my pain and no one truly knows what I feel. In that respect I have talked to someone who went through abuse. He and I sometimes will share and we understand on a deep level. He feels that his sister did not get the abuse he got. He is right she did not. I had a moment of relief recently when I asked out right if she was abused physically or sexually. She was not. As I pondered this with relief I am starting to realize that she may not have had the actual abuse to deal with but the crud that was going on was not easy to watch and live with. It hurts to see those you love struggle even if you yourself aren’t subjected to the same things. It went on in the home and the home was a constant state of friction. I remember this child petting on me as I cried. Her hand passed over my face or I felt a hand in mine. The person was hurting even if they weren’t being beaten or abused. As I grew up I often had to be an adult when I was too young to be one. I watched my siblings as mom visited Dad when he was in the hospital. I may have only watched them a short time but I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders as a pre- school child watching her siblings. I also felt that weight as I made lunches or breakfast for my siblings. Others may not have found it to be so much of a struggle but that is what I feel. So again it is not what ‘others’ think, it is what I felt. As it is with the young woman we don’t know what she went through. The things that went on were hard on everyone including the ones that did not receive the same abuse. It is different not the same and to be honest it was hard on everyone. That is the struggle I have known for years. My siblings seemed to think that I had a cake walk life. They felt I had a silver spoon in my mouth. I had my own struggles, not always the same as theirs. I had my own demons to process. Was theirs worse. I don’t think so. I think it was different. When there is dysfunction there is dysfunction. Many children will tell completely different stories about the same events. We all see with a different set of eyes and feel with a different set of feelings. So the exact same event may be totally different in the telling. As I continue in my faith journey I am attempting to love others even though they may not understand my journey. We may have handled the same situation differently. You know what “that is ok.” We all know what we know, live what we live and well…….again “that is ok.” I can then begin to have empathy for someone even though I have not gone through the exact same trail. That empathy is what opened my heart to God many years ago. He felt my pain and said He heard me. In that I find a wonderful life and a life filled with love. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet