July 28, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I have had one of those weeks. My friend M was here for a visit and I love having her here. She has been here to see where the house was and as she comes back she sees what we have gotten done. It helps me see that we are making progress in making this house into a home. This year we thought we would catch some of the attractions around town. We were headed to Breaks interstate Park and stopped off at an overlook before entering the park. The Breaks is billed as the Grand Canyon of the East. It is beautiful and a trip to the park is always fun. They have a restaurant, hotel rooms and cabins for people to stay in. We can no longer do the trails but a walk along the road is beautiful. At the overlook we were going down the stairs and all of a sudden I was falling. I blacked out but from what I am told I rolled around a whole lot. I was hard to grab a hold of, the hill made it hard to get me. I would stand up and then fall again and roll again. I had a strange look in my eyes. All I remember is waking up on my back looking into the trees. I think I knew I fell, I’m not sure. I had pain between my shoulder blades. We were far from the hospital so we stopped off at our Chiropractor’s first. He x-rayed me and saw that I had broken a vertebrae. He sent me on to the hospital which was another hour away. By the time I reached the hospital, I had been in pain for several hours. At that point I told Junior that he is no longer allowed to call me a wimp. I think my husband is finally starting to see me instead of his ex. We tend to do that. We tend to have moments where we see something from our past when certain situations arise. My friend S calls them “Bus Driver” issues. She often has to stop and think who is in control, the situation from her past or what is going on in the present. At the hospital I was finally given pain medication and that did help me a whole lot. It was determined I needed to go to another hospital and that I would need surgery that this hospital could not provide. I was taken by ambulance another 2hrs away. By the time I was sent to the other hospital it was late. I told Junior and M to go home, go to bed and come when they were more rested. My Junior has been known to fall asleep from time to time while driving. I wanted him to be near and yet I wanted him safe more so. I was squeezed into the surgery schedule for the next day. I had surgery in the evening. I was keeping up with the pain medication and stomach medication because it could cause discomfort. At some point I found myself wanting to get depressed. I think Prozac helped me once again. I wanted to be depressed because for me retirement has been a continual process of overcoming. I thought I would retire young and then have many years before my health declined. Not so. Since retiring I have struggled to do day to day life. If I look back far enough I believe my struggles really began with cancer. It seems like after cancer I no longer had the energy to do what had been part of my life for years. I struggled to do my job at work. Recently I have applied for SS. I realize I can’t do what I once did. Each day is a huge challenge for me. Doing day to day life just isn’t happening. Each time I sense some forward movement, I find myself going backwards again. This is the feeling I was struggling with as I realized I needed surgery and that I would not feel well for some time. I found myself wanting to be depressed. I was able to move on though and not stay stuck in that thought process. In the past I would run through my mind’s eye all the wrong, the awful etc. Now the thought did pop into my head but refused to stay there and for that I am grateful. In my faith journey I find times where certain Scripture passages seem to come to mind. This time was no different. I saw the Apostle Paul and his request to have a thorn removed from his side. He prayed and asked for it to be removed three times. It was not and God told him that His grace was sufficient. I began to see that maybe in these struggles I am able to show “God” and others will be able to meet Him. So my brain thought “ok Lord. Show me how to be what You want me to be.” I also saw Job, he was a man who suffered great tragedies. He lost his children, his animals and then he had great sores. At one point Job bows down and says something like “are we to only worship God in the good times?” I learn that faith is a journey. It is a day to day learning to lean on God. It is learning I can’t do anything on my own. It is accepting “me” for who I am. At this stage in life I am a woman who struggles with her health and with her emotions. We were in MI recently and I met up with a couple of girls from my days of being a youth advisor. One of them told me that she knew I was abused back in the day. I was shocked, I thought it was kept hidden and then I find out that the kids knew. It blew my mind. Because of the way I carried myself though I gave her hope….she had an abusive step dad. She understood on some level my struggle. The kids back then gave me a reason to keep going when I did not want to. They helped me as much as I helped them. So I learn again to be what I am and accept it. I may have toyed with the idea of being a Joyce Meyers but God may have me living out another scenario. If I am doing what I sense God directing me to do then I find peace. If I do what I want, I don’t have peace. So I’d like to be a writer and God has blessed me with that ability. I may never be a speaker and at this point I am good with that. Yup I may be Janet who struggles with health issues at a young age. That is ok. I learn how to deal with my struggles and God often holds me so tenderly and well again that is ok. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet