August 4, 2012 Greetings My Friend, As I have been sitting trying to overcome the effects of the spill I took my brain has been prayerful and contemplative. I ponder “why” a whole lot. As I think I also reflect that at one point I had a desire to be a writer and a speaker. It has been a huge desire and in some ways I felt God placed this desire in me. I am becoming the writer with my blog and my book. I am not a speaker as of yet anyway. As I felt the desire I also felt I wanted to be famous. I wanted to go around giving the “hope” I had and telling everyone about my “hope” in Jesus. I saw Joyce Meyers, Billy Graham and Michael Youssef. Those are the ones I admire and feel a kindred spirit with. As I am convalescing I find myself sitting in the front room looking into the door area, hall area. I am in front of the fireplace and the TV looks out onto the door area. I get to see more of the “finished” look of our home and again I find that we will one day live instead of being in chaos of renovating. We have two area rugs on the floor as you come in the door. They look real nice. Bookshelves line one wall. Junior is building an entertainment center for our TV area. The entertainment center divides off part of the front room so there is privacy and a division in the room. That will be nice so if we have company and the room is messy it won’t be as noticeable right off. I like being out in the front room more now. We made one room a family room which now will turn into an office/bedroom area. I had not realized how closed in I was feeling with the TV in the family room. For a long time it was a “cleaner” area without the construction chaos so it felt wonderful. I get to see Junior’s innovative work and that is so much fun to me. He is so talented that I find myself amazed at his creative ways. I still find his work habits to be rough to deal with but in the end I know that it will be worth the struggle because we will have an awesome home. So I sit here looking at our home and seeing the potential. I also sit here and I am starting to ponder my health more and more. For several years now I’ve found myself stumbling more. If Junior and I take a walk he needs to walk on my left side. If he is on the right, I tend to drift toward him as we walk. When I was working we started working out at the gym and at first I found myself feeling more energetic. Then I started being tired before, during and after my workouts. I was nearing retirement and thought I was exhausted from working. My job went through a re-organization and my area’s work load increased a whole bunch. I was tired a whole lot. As I look back I see that again cancer seemed to play havoc on my energy level and again what I had been doing began to be a challenge. As I entered into retirement I felt that I’d probably take time off and rest for a while. Later I would look for a part-time job. I found I was sleeping a bunch. I would drop off to sleep without much prompting and I napped a whole lot. As we settled in Haysi I started walking again. I love to walk and have walked a good portion of my life. I have even done some other form of excise through the years. Exercise has been something I do and for the most part enjoy. I started walking down the road along the river and it is beautiful. Some walks found me following a heron down the river. There was such peace in the walks. When I got home I was exhausted and fell asleep right away. I kept at it for several weeks but I was still extremely tired so then I started with shorter walks. When we were moving into this house I often walked down the road. Along the way I would encounter a hill that was a challenge, I would see a horse and pet its nose and one time I had a deer cross my path. It was awesome. Again I continued to walk but I never felt like I was moving out of the realm of being exhausted. I soon stopped. I was finding myself sitting more and more watching TV which is something I’ve never done, watch a lot of TV. On occasion I would try to work in the house a bit and found myself getting under Junior’s feet and him being irritated with me so I watched TV more. As I started on Prozac I was gaining some of my energy back and it felt wonderful. So some of my lack of energy seemed to be depression and then I fell. Since the accident I don’t hurt much but walking in from the corner wears me out. I realize how badly my body was beat up in the fall at that point and tell myself I need time to mend. My activity level as a whole is way low compared to most of my life and it frustrates me to no end. As I have been pondering while sitting yet again I am starting to wonder if something else is wrong and to be honest it scares me. As I was pondering about what I wanted to do for the Lord I felt that maybe I will never be famous and that is ok. I am good with that really. To be honest I don’t think I’d have the energy to be a speaker flying around to different places. As I ponder I started to wonder….is this lack of energy part of God’s plan for me. Will I show God’s love by the way I handle my struggles? Those are the questions I ponder as I sit in my comfy chair. That is the main goal at this point in my life, trying to find what God wants me to do. So I write and share my journey with you. I enjoy my writing and to me it is a part-time job. I have realized that working is not something I am ready to tackle yet. I keep thinking I am on the mend only to be slammed down again. So I have given my struggle to God and told Him….”your will Lord.” I mean it to. I may not be a famous writer and that is ok, I am writing and I am thrilled with that opportunity. I do realize that I have more things to bring up with my Doctor and hopefully we can bring me back to a measure of the active woman I have been, until then…..I learn how to sit still and know God…. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet