July 25, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I love Junior. I love him beyond words. Junior is still human and can be annoying. One of my struggles in life is denial. Mom was a major denial person. She would read while Dad would drag us around the room beating on us. She told the world that she had a good marriage. I did not see her happy at home. Mom was gone a whole lot. She volunteered after work, bowled and eventually went back to school. My fear is seeing Junior with rose colored glasses and not seeing the stuff right in front of my nose. I also remember by the end of my first marriage I had lost all respect for my husband. I did not like much about him. As I married Junior I did not want to lose respect for him so I started writing him a note each day. The notes focused on his good qualities. That has helped me a whole lot. When Junior retired he got into bringing things home to live with us. Junior can be a hoarder without much provocation. He loves things and wants them to live with him. I remember as he was going through this stage that I knew I could become unhappy with him, possibly lose respect for him so I started praying. I asked God to open my eyes and heart to Junior. God did. When I discovered Junior washing bag after bag of clothing and then taking them to Salvation Army, I found the true “heart” of my man. My man’s heart is a tender heart. I found that tender heart to be what I fell in love with. That tender heart has watched after me all these years and frankly I love his tender heart. I have gotten to the point that if we live like hoarders, I don’t like it but if it is with Junior, I am good with it. He is too good of a man to let that get in the way. As I struggle through depression, part of it is Junior’s work style. He will work for a bit on this and then go outside and work on that. He is not organized in my way of thinking. I get confused as how to work behind him so I sit. I get in his way often as well. So I sit more. He will do a good job, of that I am sure. I will love the final outcome. Till then I struggle. Junior is not a timely kind of guy either. He doesn’t mind walking into functions late. I hate that and I have learned to live with it. Junior does not pay bills like I did. I can’t anymore my depression has gotten that bad. We are in debt and I hate it. He does not worry like I worry. Junior is working our way out of debt and that comforts me. He does not get worked up like I do and that helps me deal with it. I do go to prayer a whole lot. I continue to tell God my fears and ask God to teach me how to live with this stuff. God is faithful and has opened my eyes when I need the opening. God reminds me often that Junior has never had the utilities shut off, never went bankrupt and has paid off a house. As I grasp that I settle down in my thinking. God showed me Junior’s heart when he was in his collecting stage. God showed me that Junior has never lost a home or went without his utilities. God reminds me that when we lived in MI our home took shape and was decent. So I learn to live with my husband. I also learn that I am not looking at him through the eyes of denial. I see Junior’s flaws. They are there front and center. They get hard not to see to be honest. Then God opens my eyes to Junior himself. Until I met Junior I never knew the touch of a tender hand on my body. For me to have my number one love language touch is astounding. For most of my life touch has hurt. Now I can’t get enough of Junior’s touch. Junior has no problem telling people that “they are going to hell, if they don’t accept Jesus.” That is a little bolder than I know how to deal with. Junior can be a in your face kind of guy. Then God shows me that Junior has a deep love and that he does not want anyone going to hell, even his worst enemy. This boldness is really love and again I find myself accepting Junior and his ways. Junior’s frank comments have been hard for me to process. By reading some of my blogs to him though he is learning how to talk to me in a way that I can grow. I don’t handle lots of criticism. In order for me to grow and learn I need gentleness. God has been so gentle with me. In God’s gentleness I have admitted that I am a sinner and God has shown me how to walk away from sin. So God has given us an outlet for Junior to learn how to teach me. Junior does not tell me I am lazy anymore. He does not tell me I am a hypochondriac either. As he has quit telling me these things, I have started changing. Junior did not want me on Prozac and after much prayer I went on it. Junior is thrilled with what Prozac has done for me and happier yet that I did go on it. My goal in life is to listen go God. I try to pray through most things in my life now including whether to volunteer some place or not. God guides me. He puts things on my heart and I begin to learn to do what God is guiding me to do. God guides me how to love Junior. Junior does not want me fussing all over him and I need to take a more hands off approach with him. When he wants me he will ask for me. I guess the Holy Spirit is truly helping me and for most of my life I did not realize it. I believe that reading my Bible I begin to see what God is and in that I am able to discern these thoughts. God is always true to what I learn as I read my Bible and in that I know if something is from God. If God does not teach it in the Bible I know that God did not give me that. May God bless you and make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet