June 30, 2012 Greetings My Friend, “And that is ok” is running through my thoughts today. We were on a mission trip and the leader said that throughout the week as we ran into problems. That little phrase has rolled around in my thoughts for a few years now and it helps me to let go of the things I need to let go of. As I was journaling today that phrase came back to me. I was talking about my need for Prozac. I went all the way back to when I was a newlywed some 40 years ago. I was thinking about a friend I had back then. We were both young and both of our husbands were abusing us. We had many talks about our situations. She confided in me one day that they were in the kitchen and she grabbed a cast iron skillet and hit him in the face with it. From that time on he did not strike her. I believe that is when I began in earnest trying to fight back with my husband. I thought maybe that one blow would get him to stop. I never found that one blow that would make him stop. I also tried reasoning with him and that did not work either. Anyway this friend began to have some problems with her emotions, her hair falling out etc. She went to the Doctor’s and she found out that her thyroid was going bad. She had to take medication for her thyroid for the rest of her life. I am still processing my need to take Prozac. I truly did not want to get into this medication. To go off of some of these types of medication, is a huge process. I have known friends who went off of this type of medication and it can take months to wean you from it. I was truly concerned about the consequences. I was praying about this as well. I remember waking up one day and praying “Lord I can’t keep doing this.” I was in yet another bout with depression and the pain of it was unbearable. As I look back though I have dealt with depression my whole life and up until now I have been able to work my way out of it with the aid of counseling. In these last years my faith journey has helped me a whole lot. In the midst of my deepest darkest days I have known I was not alone. That has sustained me greatly. Still I was getting to the point I could not cope on my own. My favorite line these past few years is “as I am coming back to a sense of health.” In that statement I see the “hope” I have. Then one day I wake up and realize I can’t do this on my own anymore. Because I have prayed I believe I am listening to God and I believe God has said, I do need this medication. That phrase keeps coming back “and that is ok.” Again I am finding comfort. Some people need medicine for cancer, thyroid issues etc. I need medication for my depression and “that is ok.” I think I am finally coming to terms with this need for Prozac. Many people will meet me in the years to come and they will be surprised as I was surprised to find out others who needed this medication. “And that is ok.” I do love that phrase! I use this phrase in my mind as I struggle with people who are different than me. I use this phrase when I am frustrated when I am to meet someone and they are late or don’t show up. I use this phrase with “me’ when I can’t get up and do what I once did. I use this phrase when I attempt something and can’t get it right. This phrase helps me process life a whole lot. For me getting older means that I am finally accepting myself for who I am. As I write I see a picture of me when I was in high school. It is a poster of me with long hair and my teeth look straightened out. I broke my front tooth in high school. Then I had a cap put on and it straightened my crooked teeth out for the most part. I see my long nose in this picture. I never felt pretty and then I look at this picture and realize I wasn’t that bad looking. I was so hard on myself. When I see pictures of me now I see me with pudgy cheeks and to me a very heavy body I want to be critical of myself. I want to not like me the way I am. People through the years have convinced me that I would not look good if I were as skinny as I want to be. I use my phrase “and that is ok” even as I look back. In that I begin to see that in my own way I was attractive. I am learning even in these older years that it is not my looks as much as it is “who” I am. The more I try to be a child of God the more I accept myself the way God has made me. So in my older years I am heavier, “that is ok.” In my older years people may not understand me and thus not like me well “that is ok.” At this point in my life my goal is to seek God daily, to walk in His ways and to reach out with God’s love. To be honest the more I embrace this new life style, the more content I am. So if I need medication to help me do life….”that is ok.” Are you ok with who you are? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet