June 27, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I have been on Prozac for a month now. The general despair I have felt for so long is fairly much gone. Junior even tells me he is glad I did not listen to him and went ahead and got on Prozac. He likes that I don’t have that need to discuss my past so much these days. He likes that I am more content as well. I find that my sleep is way better. I don’t wake up for hours most nights now. If I do I wake up it is for only an hour and then I sleep the rest of the night. I actually sleep all night more often than not now. I like that a whole lot. For this reason alone I am grateful for Prozac and of course I am grateful for the calmer me. I have been hoping to come back more in regards to housework. I have not and that discourages me. I find that I sit and watch TV way more than I have ever watched TV. I am not exercising yet. I have not even gone back to volunteering either. I stopped when I started taking B for her treatments. I sit in my chair and watch TV or I look on the computer. Cooking….so far I am not doing much of that either. This is frustrating to me and yet I sit. I don’t engage in life like I have in the past. I don’t like me this way and I am not changing. I get caught up in programs like DIY, the Walton’s or Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. I don’t do what I have done for a good portion of my life. Junior is sweet and will pick up some of my slack. He does the dishes. I don’t. I want a dishwasher and he doesn’t want to spend the money. I don’t like me this way and I am not changing. We are in the process of changing the family/front room around. Junior needs to put up a new ceiling in the family room and then we will use this more as a 2nd bedroom/office area. I had thought that I could help Junior and I can’t and well I just sit waiting for….what I don’t know. I tell myself that I am using my time more effectively. In the mornings most days now I get up, look on FB, journal, pray and read my Bible. I am writing 2 days a week on average. I tell myself that is good at least I am doing something productive. Then I sit trying to figure out what to do. I even know I can do things but then I don’t feel like it for some reason. This routine takes me to about noon or so. That is nice. If I need to run errands I do. Gone are the ice tea runs. I am not doing that on a daily basis now. I am using those drink mixes and drinking my water fairly well. I also am taking my showers later in the day now and I am not falling asleep right afterward. I see so much improvement in where I have been and where I am now. Still I am not where I’d like to be. I have been an energetic person for most of my life so this sitting thing is frustrating and yet I sit. I have enjoyed some form of exercise for most of my life and I don’t even do that. I will walk for a few weeks and then quit. We quit going to the gym after I had my appendix out. So Prozac has helped me a lot and then there are areas I need to still work out. I am still in counseling. I am aiming to be more involved at home and I pray that soon I will truly start this journey. I am a planner. I try to plan out my day and then follow through. I even make plans like “today I am going to….” Then I don’t do it. I am grateful for Junior’s patience. That is another problem figuring out how to work behind Junior. To me he is not organized. He does great work but I can’t figure his style of accomplishing things out. If I am doing things I tend to get in his way and that frustrates him. My goal is to be a helpmate not a hindrance so then I go sit. When I am sitting watching TV, FBing, writing or e-mailing I am not in his way. My heart feels that God will direct me and I will come back to a measure of the “worker” I used to be. I also realize I may not be able to do what I did when I was younger. God has brought me out of the despair I have felt. I have felt God’s hugs even in the midst of my despair so somewhere deep inside of me I feel I will come out of this funk. The biggest goal of my blog is to write about God’s direction in my life. For the longest time I felt if I prayed the sinner’s prayer then I’d have a cake walk life, be rich, the whole nine yards. Being in a faith journey is not a cake walk life. At times it is harder than when I was not in this faith journey, for me though my faith journey teaches me that I am not alone and that alone feeling has been my struggle in life. God has helped me face life. God helps me do life. Because I am not alone I find I can overcome much in my life. When I get to the other side of my struggles and see that God has walked me through it I am often amazed that I ‘did it.’ That is the “hope” I have and the “hope” I want to share. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet