June 16, 2012 Greetings My Friend, My mind has been working through my past again. With Prozac I am not staying in the thought as long but I am able to look at incidents and then let go more fully now. My mind goes back to when I first entered into counseling. I started talking about some of the junk that went on with my Dad and the counselor told me “it wasn’t that bad.” I went for a while longer and began my journey of being in and out of counseling. I went back into counseling a while later with someone else and I again told of some of the junk that went on with my Dad. This counselor listened to me and acknowledged my pain. From that point on I began to let go of the hurt and anger. It was a process but by the time Dad died I was able to accept who he was and what went on. I took care of Dad along with the rest of the family. I even held Dad as he died. It was a bittersweet moment. I had forgiven him. Part of my struggle with my former marriage has been the same feeling of not being heard. Right from the start everyone kept telling me that “he changed.” Then I heard from family that “he is my hero.” No one has ever wanted to hear of my struggle and what I dealt with. They did not want to hear the details. I learned early on not to talk about my pain. No one really wanted to hear it. I continue to get the feeling that people don’t think what was done to me was all that bad. I recently have asked my counselor to help me process that part of my life and we are beginning that with my next appointment. She had me write it out so she could read it and then guide me. I wrote it out and read it to B when she was out for a visit recently. After I read it to her she acknowledged my pain. That felt wonderful. With that one acknowledgement I find myself being ready to finally lie this to rest. I don’t want to hurt him with my telling. I just need to “unload.’ I don’t want anything more than the opportunity to talk and then let go. It rolls around in my head and I’m tired of it. Do I remember each incident…not really? I just remember the general craziness. Long gone are the days where I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I just want to be acknowledged and to be able to live this new life. Prozac is helping me to let go more. I feel though that in order for me to heal more fully I need to ‘tell’ not to hurt him anymore but to be able to let go of the thoughts that continue to jump around in my brain. I’ve been told I need to forgive him. My forgiveness has been a process and over all I do forgive him. I have found though that for me anyway forgiveness is a process. I truly don’t want harm to come to him. I think the best thing Junior taught me is to pray for him. I’ve been praying for him now since I’ve been married to Junior. Early on in my prayers I cried to God and then slowly I found I did not hate the man. Now fear on the other hand has continued to plague me. Junior has been ever patient with me and has tried to listen. As a man Junior faces a problem and then begins to work through it. As a woman though I have a need to talk about it and Junior has listened. He responds to me even. To be honest I have not felt “heard.” He often will say things like there are 2 sides to every problem. He is right. I needed to “hear’ that what I experienced was rough. I did not need to hear his comment of ‘two sides to every problem.” As I left the marriage I was in counseling and I needed to figure out how to be “single.” I needed to figure out how to live my new life. Then I met Junior. I started dating him around 9 months after the divorce and we married 15 months after the divorce. I did not do the work of dealing with what went on in my marriage. I was trying to live life. Then I needed to figure out how to be Junior’s wife. I learned to pray for my marriage and I continue to pray. On my own…I would have probably not been able to figure out what Junior needed but with God’s guidance I have been able too. Dad was a kid who left home at 14 and did not return. He learned how to fend for himself. He stayed in garages and soon the guys offered him a job. Dad supported himself from then on….well till he had polio anyway. I believe that Dad was a 14 year old in a lot of his thinking. His jokes were always of bathroom humor and the like. He overcame a whole lot in his life and when I can look back now I understand. I don’t like what was done but I have compassion for him. I have been able to come to that point because of counseling and to be honest because I was acknowledged. I don’t know what made my ex the way he was. From what I can tell his home life wasn’t as crazy as mine. It might have been I don’t know. I would like to have peace in my mind about him though. Again I don’t hate him. I have forgiven where I can and am desperately trying to let go of the past. I can’t do this on my own though. I believe the “acknowledgement” piece will help me to lay this whole thing to rest. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet