May 26, 2012 Greetings My Friend, As I write I’ve only been on Prozac a very short time and I am finding that I am not nodding off as easily as I had been. I also am starting to sleep through the night, once I get to sleep which tends to take me a while so far. This is exciting to me. My Dr. thinks that my focus may come back and that has been another struggle. I have loved to read my whole life and the past few years reading is a struggle. I can read quick reads like this blog but a book is difficult at best. I started listening to books on CD and that was nice but to sit down and read for a prolonged period of time was difficult. I was so excited when I attempted to play solitaire and I played a whole hand. It had been years since I could focus all the way through a whole hand. I have been so excited with the new hope I’ve been given in getting better. Instead of focusing on my fears I now have a stronger hope filling me. If I could I would do cartwheels all around the property. That makes me feel that finally I can also get on a regular exercise routine again too. I can’t shout the joy loud enough that is filling me. The medication I’m taking for my GERDS/hiatal hernia is nice as well. I still struggle with vomiting and upset stomach struggles but not nearly as often. With my appendix gone that also seems to have helped with the stomach distress I had been experiencing. The apostle Paul prayed and asked God to remove a thorn from his flesh. I think it was a health problem anyway God told Paul that ‘His grace was sufficient” Sometimes the struggles I go through open me up to others who struggle as I struggle. Sometimes I also have others step into my life who can share and help me through my struggle. J a friend I’ve gotten close to down here has adopted me. From the start of our relationship she has said that she understands me. J is a few years older and has health issues alongside of emotional struggles. J often has guided me along the path as I go through these struggles. I believe in my heart that a Christian community is so important. This community steps in and helps you or sometimes you are called to help others. In this community we are able to hold each other up and accountable. This community often helps me put a “face’ on my faith journey. Sometimes I am called to help out in activities and those activities often give me new skills. Sometimes I make food for the sick or grieving. Sometimes it is a hug. As I journey on in my faith I am finding that putting in time volunteering at church is not the only way to minister to others. As I give rides, an ear or even things that help others I am also ministering. I also find learning how to be Junior’s wife is a way to honor God. Learning how to love my children is a way to honor God. I have learned that the older women are to instruct the younger women. I believe this blog is a way for me to reach out with God’s love. If my struggle helps another in their struggle I am so grateful. When I write about depression I have people who write to me about their struggle. My cousin and I often will e-mail my blog or something else back and forth with our comments inserted in them. We are finding a “face” to our faith journey. A lot of people don’t mention that they are reading my blog and some part of me discerns that they read it by what they say. I am hoping that I am helping people and that is the goal. So I’ve been struggling with health and emotional issues. These issues have not gone away the second I prayed for them to go away. Along the way though I have been given a counselor, friends who let me explore my feelings, medication and I have also been able to help others in the same struggle. At times I think that God allows us to continue along in a struggle so we learn things. I have realized that I did not go through the steps I needed to early on after I left my abuse. In Single Point people would tell me their story, their pain and when I’d bring up my struggle they would not listen to me. Even Junior did not seem to understand that I needed to go through a process. I think I appear able to move along quicker than I am and so he was grooming me to counsel others right from the start. I am starting to think that I may need to back up and talk about the things I need to in order for me to move forward. I have started writing in my journal. I am asking my counselor to guide me through this process so I can more fully let go of my fears that continue to have a hold on me. I am hoping that in 6 months I will have worked through this process and will be able to go off of Prozac. I am hoping then I can move through life emotionally with a little more ease. I’d like to think I will only need this as a onetime assist. Time will tell. My hope has never left me. Somewhere in all my struggles I have felt God’s hand on me whether it was a hug or a direction I needed to take. This latest hope though is different. It is stronger and that feels ever so wonderful. As I have worked through these struggles God’s way continues to be the way I want to go. Here it is again “where is your hope?” May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet