May 23, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Thoughts at large: I’ve been to the Dr. and we are starting the process of finding answers to my struggles. I am now on Prozac to help me work past the fears I have struggled with. I know the fears are irrational and yet I can’t let go of them so I am hoping an assist will do the trick. My goal is to try and get off in six months and see if I can move along without the aid. I was very disappointed to learn that vomiting maybe what I experience due to my hiatal hernia being so large even though I am on a medication to help with the GERDS issues. Some mornings flossing my teeth sets me off….a simple little act like that. Some days I have extreme sour stomach distress where I want to curl up and lay low all day….so I learn again do what I can when I can. I have had people tell me that I am chatting with them and I drop off to sleep. I often feel wide awake and then all of a sudden I find myself waking up from a nap. We are looking into narcolepsy and that makes sense. Since I struggle getting to sleep and staying asleep all night I have a sleep study in my future. My Dr. seems to be in tune with me and that feels nice. I feel like there are answers coming and to be honest that feels good. For the past several years I feel like I am fighting through life in a paper bag and my energy stinks and I did not think I’d feel this sluggish for many more years. The thought of doing life and not being sick or scared or just yucky a whole lot feels wonderful. I love being in Virginia, I love being Junior’s wife but the struggles have always been hard. I even love the new house and the progress we are making. Even the renovation process has begun to wear on me. I want a more finished home. I don’t want to move around with boards, ladders, tools and the like. The house continues to come together. The kitchen ceiling is in and looks wonderful. The old laundry room is turning into our 2nd bathroom. All the insulation is in and there are boards down in the attic so we can move more things up there and our front room is clear of more junk. Junior has kept saying that the kitchen is the last room he will renovate since he has to make decisions that will last years. I told him that we really have a good idea of where we want everything. We stood out there talking one day and we said things like “let’s put the sink on the back wall and then the washing machine and sink will be on the same wall back to back and the plumbing will be on an inside wall.” Next we figured out that the cupboards will go where the sink was. The island will have the stove dropped in it and Junior seemed to realize that we did indeed have the plan fairly much together. He has said he would do the kitchen sooner than later. We may soon get the house more functional and Junior may have his projects to work on. I’m thinking that he could then begin a yearly project and we’d have the house in order and looking more like a home. The wood floors all need to be finished. The front porch turned into a family room, paneling on the walls etc. To me to have the home looking like a home and more put together would be awesome. I’ve been praying for my marriage for 14 years now. I believe in my heart that God has guided me along the way. I have learned to not mention every detail that runs through my head. I believe Prozac will help me to quit talking about my past and Junior will get the break he needs from hearing me struggle through my fears. In the beginning of our marriage when Junior would scream at his computer I found myself petrified. I told Junior and he quit yelling at the computer when he had struggles. We have grown into a very satisfactory life together. When I was divorced I truly did not think men and women could be friends. I never felt my parents were real friends. They told everyone they were but to me they seemed like they existed together. One of the first things I learned as a newly married was that we need to put God first even before our spouse. That felt weird to me. As I have learned to go to God for everything I find that putting God first to be a wonderful way to do my life. God teaches me to be the wife I need to be to Junior. God also guides me as I talk with my children. That has become part of my prayers as well. “Dear Lord teach me to be the mother/grandmother my family needs me to be.” I prayed that early on and then for some reason I stopped. That is about the time I struggled and found it hard to deal with them and them with me. I don’t want to mess up again so I pray it daily now. Before I tried to pray as I picked up the phone or when I saw them pulling up. The daily prayer covers me for those unexpected moments. Junior and I have no regrets with our move to Virginia. We love the climate. We still get snow but not as much. It doesn’t get as cold as often either. The average winter temperature is 40 degrees. We both enjoy it when the temperatures are anywhere from 40 degrees to 80 degrees. Up on the mountain the summer temps are 5 to 7 degrees cooler, again not bad. We have made some good friends and that feels nice. When I go to the bank I stop in the office and chat with the loan officer. For some reason because she is a bank employee I feel a kindred spirit with her. She looks for me to stop in. I didn’t go in for a long time after I had my appendix out and we had a couple of trips etc. She commented she missed my chats. That felt real good. So I move along in life. I believe a daily talk with God is helping me do life and I find great enjoyment overall. I also don’t feel alone because God will guide me as to what He wants me to do and be. I like that a whole bunch. Even though I have been struggling, I have found that God has given me the strength to carry on. Yup I do love life. May God bless you and keep you make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet