May 19, 2012 Greetings My Friend, As I have struggled through this latest round of fear of what my ex has done to me I have heard that I need to forgive him. That is so right I do need to forgive him. Overall I believe I have forgiven him as well. I do find though that forgiveness is not a onetime process. It is an ongoing process. I tend to see forgiveness in layers. As I learn to forgive an area in my life I often find that God points out something else I need to forgive. I believe God gives my forgiveness process in layers because I need to comprehend the struggle and the dysfunction in my life. When I was younger I believed in God but I felt God’s ways were too hard so I decided to go off on my own. One day I woke up divorced, unhappy and realized I had been unhappy pretty much my whole life. At that low point I asked God back into my life and I began to find healing deep inside of me. I was an angry woman. In fact a counselor taught me that there were other ‘feeling’ words besides ‘that made me angry.” I was angry if I was scared, I was angry if you hurt my feelings, everything went through the filter of anger for me. In my faith journey I find that is exactly what it is a journey. For a long time I believed that if I said the sinner’s prayer, life would become a cake walk, money would flow and I would not know pain anymore. Well a faith journey is not a cake walk for sure again it is a journey. My life is way better than before as well. I love deeper, fuller and have peace now. I have joy in reaching out to others. I have joy in learning how to live a “clean’ life. For me taming my thought life, trusting people, accepting the hard things that crop up and I live life so much fuller now. As I look back at my former life I see that I struggled for many years with anger, abuse and a whole host of other not fun things. The long time spent in that life has meant that it will take me more than a minute to process and move beyond the pain. One of the first things God had me work on was my thought life. Shower time was a very unhappy point in my day. I took my thoughts to all the pain, anger and unpleasant moments in my life. Getting out of the shower meant I was depressed more often than not. God taught me to start singing in the shower. I learned hymns and praise songs. Soon I found myself being joyful. The day went along better. When I married Junior he taught me to pray for my ex. I also could not complain about him. I had to ask for my ex’s highest good. I did cry a few times at the pain I felt but overall I began to want his best. In fact I still want his best. I just don’t want to be his best friend anymore. The more I gave my ex to God the more peace I felt. A versus in the Bible says “Revenge is mine says the Lord.” The more I gave my ex to God, the less fear and pain I began to live with. I was learning that God was dealing with my ex. I was also learning that God was dealing with me. I had my moments of not being a “nice” person as well. I was learning to let go let God. The nightmares went away. The anger went away. Life continued to move along and again peace was what was settling in my heart. Family sided with my ex, I learned that God would love me through the pain. God was pointing me to ministry work. I helped out with the re-marriage workshops, with a newsletter, with a friend who was ministering to the Muslims and began writing this blog and a book. Retirement came along and I fell apart. I had health issues, a fight with a loved one and a move less than a year after I retired. I found myself trying desperately to keep my head above water. A year and a half after we moved to VA we moved again. As we settle I find myself coming back to a more comfortable level again. In this for some reason though the ex has surfaced in my fears and I need to deal with him again. I believe that God is working more layers of forgiveness in me. Early on after the divorce I realized there would be no more physical hurting me. Junior would not allow him to hurt me. My new fear seemed to be that my ex was going to steal anyone and everyone I loved. First Mom insisted that my ex be one of the caregivers for her as she ended her life. Then the kids found that Dad seemed a whole lot more fun than me. Next my brother allowed my ex to be good friends with him and his family. I kept feeling alone and unwanted. My ex’s family closed off all ties with me but my family did not close off ties with him. This layer of forgiveness tends to be to trust that my ex cannot steal who God gives me. My children are both back in my life and I am extremely happy about that. Most of my friends have never met my ex and more than likely will never meet him. When I decided to re-enter into my children’s life my grandson was being baptized. As usual the party had to be at my ex’s place a place of unpleasantness for me. So I asked a group of friends to attend with Junior and I. They came along and held me tenderly as I struggled through that moment. Whenever I needed to move about the house to get food or whatever a friend would tag along and I was comforted. So again I am learning to trust God, to let go of fear and in the process I am forgiving yet again. I pray my ex meets Jesus if he hasn’t already. I need to believe that my ex cannot take away what God has given me. If I can wrap my thoughts around that then I am sure peace will come again. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet