May 16, 2012 Greetings My Friend, “You reap what you sow” is playing around in my thoughts again. As I have gone on in life I have seen where this is so true. If I am mean then I invite meanness into my life. If I steal then I can expect that things I cherish will come up missing. I also believe that on occasion I won’t ask for the hurt that I get due to a poor attitude. When that moment does come though because I have a loving attitude I believe that yes it hurts but I will be able to move through the situation by being a loving person. I believe that as a child my Dad telling me that since I was the oldest I had to set the example also plays into my “reap what you sow” thoughts. From the beginning I learned that other people are watching me and I need to be careful of what I do and say. Another part of this may be that I also learned to make people happy so I would not get beat. Whatever it is I still think treating others how you want to be treated is not a bad way to go. I love to be treated with tenderness. I love the gentle touch of a hand on my back when I’ve done something right. It is a pleasure beyond words. I also love when I’ve cheered someone up, that moment when the smile grows by leaps and bounds. I have met people who aren’t happy until they have snarled at someone. It was a common scene in my childhood home. I even remember when I was starting my faith journey and my conversation I had with God. I told God that I wanted to love people even if that love hurt. That is why I love my faith journey so much, I get to love people and if it hurts I have the love of God holding me which to me is about as awesome as life gets for me. As I was coming to terms with my explosive nature when I was younger I started to believe in the “you reap what you sow” teaching. I found that the angrier I got with people the more I met angrier people than I was. I think this lesson was driven home for me when Dad was in the hospital for cancer. His bed side toilet did not work properly. Mom would march out to the front desk and scream at the staff. I finally went out there one morning before Mom showed up and explained in the quietest way possible the struggle and embarrassment my Dad had with the broken chair. Within minutes the staff came in and replaced the chair. As I deal with Junior I try very hard to treat him the way I want to be treated. I want to be treated with tenderness, with understanding and not screamed at. I also don’t want to be right at Junior’s expense. When we were first married we both discussed our disdain for jokes at another person’s expense. We try hard to not put each other down just to get a laugh as well. When we have caught ourselves using humor at the other’s expense we’ve both apologized and then have worked at keeping the “joke” of humor out of our lives. It may be funny but it gets old real fast. I find more hurt feelings using this type of humor. Junior lets me tell him when my feelings are hurt. That helps and I appreciate that he lets me be honest. He has had to tell me a few times to stop as well. I am ever grateful that we can be honest with each other. Junior can also be brutally honest at times. That is who Junior is. He can be honest to a fault. He does not do it to be mean, he is being honest. Once in a while I have to ask Junior to refrain from such frankness. When I had my appendix out Junior commented in a joking way that I finally had a “real” illness. Junior thinks I am a hypochondriac. I am consistently telling him I am trying as hard as I can and frankly Junior knows pain in a deeper way than I do. He has no patience with me and my illness The problem is that my appendix problem was several months before we found out. I was having major rolling stomach distress along with vomiting. To me these were real symptoms and to Junior they were a way for me to get attention. I have a tendency to tell him I don’t feel good. Then I tend to go lay down. Junior hears me complaining and not reporting. I can’t control how he “hears” me. I am also finding out that junior thinks I am repeating myself for attention. I am repeating myself because I don’t think he hears me. To me I am trying to tell him something important in a “different” format and he hears it as repeating. As I am learning “how” Junior hears me, I am attempting to tell him I am not looking for attention. I want to convey what is going on with me. In another life when I told my ex I was sick that would be the time he wanted to play. So it is important to me to convey what is going on without a lot of drama. I want people to know I don’t feel good end of story. I want to be able to be sick and be sick in peace. I also know if others don’t know what is going on with you then you snap at them that can cause hard feelings so I ‘report’ so others understand. When I am out in public I want to be nice. When I am home I want to be nice. Long gone are the days of being cranky at home and attempting niceness in public. Now I want to be nice wherever I am. I want to reap what I sow. I like sowing niceness. May God bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet