May 12, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I am struggling again with worry that my ex still wants to hurt me in some form or another. I know this is irrational and yet I still struggle. People in general tend to have the reaction of “that was 15 years ago, come on now!” The problem is that what I feel is very real. I have a hard time letting go and at times I feel paralyzed. My ex is my family’s good friend. He goes over to their house and they talk and are friends. He has a right to do that I know. His family has stayed away from me. They align themselves with their brother and defend him. My sister-in-law kept telling me that he is her hero when I had called to tell her I missed their mother. My family states I am weird and my fears are irrational. Not one person in my family has stood beside me. I have felt so very alone all these years. In Jesus I have found a way to move through life. I now have good friends who will take my side when I need the encouragement. Family though….. My kids, I have left the struggle alone with them. I don’t want them to hate their father because he is their father and a constant barrage of complaints won’t make them side with me. I am on FB and recently his picture showed up as a possible friend request. I have pulled the picture up and studied it over and over. I see our granddaughter hugging him. As I look I begin to remember not so pleasant things and depression is trying to swallow me up. We went away with my niece and as we stopped in her house she was able to block his picture and request from my page. I am ever grateful for her help in getting him out of my life again. I have decided to add more time at the counselor’s for a while. I am talking with my doctor about taking some type of medication to help me through these slumps. I don’t want a maintance type drug at this point but would rather take an as needed type of medication. Journaling definitely helps along with my counseling. I write on FB each visit that I have given my struggle over to J so that I have permission to let go and to quit carrying my fear around with me. I do know the steps I need to take, it gets hard though. I am guessing the reason I am looking at a medical assist to help me is because I continue to struggle with fear even though we have been divorced for 15 years. It took me a while to understand that I lived with fear for 24 years and two years I dated him. I lived with the fear so long and it is hard for me to feel safe after all this time. That is the PTSD that I struggle through. Junior has not fought in Viet Nam for a good 40 years now and he still struggles with fear. For him as a man he tends to get angry. He had a job that allowed him the release of anger. The guys often would get into fights where he worked. He fit in. Since retirement Junior has started taking Paxil to help him control his anger. Junior has never ever tried to hurt me. He struggles though with keeping his anger in check and the medication he is now taking helps him not get angry. For the longest time I felt Junior’s PTSD was worse than mine. As we go along though I realize his is different not worse. I lived my abuse for 26 years and it has been hard for me to let go and move on. Again people have little understanding of my struggle and are often impatient with me. My family has not stood beside me and that hasn’t helped. They tend to react like I am a problem and I may have deserved his wrath. It has taken me years to realize no matter how annoying I am I don’t deserve to be abused. Parts of my annoying ways are “learned” responses to life. I am constantly watching people faces to change my words if need be. It is something I have done since I was a child. I often will tell people what they want to hear because I would get beat if what I said did not agree with what they wanted me to say. So my annoying ways are a learned response to life. When we were first married I know Junior would get annoyed when I constantly asked him “why his face was all scrounged up.” It took me a few years to truly not fret every time I saw a crease in his forehead. We have been married for 14 years and I now feel very safe with Junior. I know down deep he won’t hit me. I know he will forgive me. I feel safe, safer than I have ever felt in my life. I also feel safe when I wake up and hear Junior moving around the house. It is about the most beautiful sound now. He has never been loud and in his gentle way I find comfort and safety. When I get up we talk and have coffee and I totally love this new life. We lead very unassuming lives. I like that a ton. We travel, we go to church, we have friends and to be honest this life has been awesome. Junior gets impatient with my fears. I can understand in a way. He is tired of hearing these fears over and over and over again. As a woman….I need to talk about my fear. I don’t get mad and beat people up like a man may. I talk because that is what women do talk. So I go to a counselor, I journal and I talk to girlfriends. I am consistently working out my fear, some days are better than others. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet