March 31, 2011 Greetings My Friend, Easter is around the corner and my thoughts turn toward Jesus, the cross and the huge price he paid for our sins. I find myself ever grateful for the gift Jesus gives us. In my gratefulness I want to share to spread the “Good News”. I have felt like a victim for a good portion of my life. I know how to live in victim mode, because I’ve been a victim and so I automatically tend react in victim mode. My counselors through the years have taught me that I don’t have to stay in the victim mode and have shown me how to not react as a victim. I still find times where I resort to being a victim though. In my journaling this morning I am in victim mode big time. That man can still send fear through every fiber of my being and I haven’t seen or talked to him in a couple of years now. So I put my fears down in my journal and then if I’ve done a good job, the fears stay in the pages of my journal and I will function fairly well. As I gave my heart to Jesus I found love first, an acceptance of who I am. That was awesome. I felt I mattered and in that I began to have hope. Hope is what moves me out the door and into life. Without hope I had wishing. One of the things I do is pray through Jesus’ last hours all the way to his death on the cross. When God first told me to pray through the cross I didn’t want to. It is ugly. It is awful. It seems barbaric. I told God all those things and he said for me to pray through the cross anyway. I gave in and began praying through the cross. At this point in my life it feels like communion for me. “Do this in remembrance of me till I come again.’ In the cross I have understood the great love God has for us. I see I can never be good enough without a Savior’s redemption. I then find myself even more grateful for the gift of Jesus in my life. Just because I gave Jesus my heart doesn’t mean that life is a cake walk. What it does mean is that when the struggles come, I have someone who will walk with me THROUGH the struggles. When I get to the other side of the struggle I am amazed and eternally grateful for the assist. So I struggle through abuse all these years later. People don’t realize what it does to you. I was at the dentist office recently and asked about my ex. He did some part time work for them for a while and I was always leery that he would show up one day. I asked and found out he hasn’t worked for them in a couple of years. Slowly I learn he isn’t going to be showing up wherever I am. He has done that a whole lot since the divorce, he shows up in my life and then I have to deal with the fear that runs through me. My ex is a friendly guy. He doesn’t seem like the type that would hurt a sole. People wouldn’t believe me when I did tell. I got to where I didn’t because no one believed me. When my mom got sick and was dying he had to help care for her. Sounds nice I know but it was a way for him to be near me. Even more awful was going to bed in the bed he just left with my current husband. He seems like a real nice guy. He is unless you were married to him….then the story is different. Through the years Jesus has held me so tenderly. He has said he believes me. He has wiped many tears from my face and told me I was precious when I needed to know that I mattered. As I struggle with what the ex could do or can do Jesus reminds me that He is with me. I have learned how to make jokes when I am afraid. I make people laugh and I love it. In the laughter I move out of my fears. Junior understands mostly. He stands beside me. One thing for sure is if the ex-tried to hurt me, junior would not allow it or he would defend me. That is a huge comfort. Junior does get tired of hearing about these fears. To me they are very real. Others can’t understand this fear that refuses to leave me alone. I’ve learned to talk less and less about the fear. I may still struggle with it but I won’t talk about it much to others. As I come to Easter I am grateful for the cross yet again. I want to cry as I see what our Savior endured as he went to the cross and hung on the cross. It is about the ugliest I have ever seen. Not only was the physical pain awful but his emotional and spiritual pain was as bad. The more I pray through the cross, the more I feel Jesus’ pain. In that deep pain I again learn the gift I have truly been given. As a victim of abuse, I find myself relating in many ways. We all come to Jesus and find that He knows what we feel. As I pray through the cross I know that Jesus has gone through even more than I can imagine. I see that Jesus suffered emotional pain, spiritual pain and physical pain beyond belief. His poor back. He was whipped with bones and glass tied to the whip. He was hung on the cross and as he rode the cross up to get air in his lungs his back dragged on the hard wood. His back was so torn up. He knows physical pain in a deep personal way as well. Jesus’ good friend betrayed him. That makes me want to cry. So I struggle through abuse years after it has ended. I know that Jesus knows and I find comfort. I can face the day and move through life. When the moments overtake me, I pray, I journal and I talk with a counselor. I am not stuck in the abuse like I once was because I know that there is a tomorrow filled with hope. Where is your hope? Do you have hope? May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet