April 7, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Recently Junior and I both were struggling with PTSD. Junior has PTSD from being in war. He kept going out on expeditions with little or no time to decompress and it now plays havoc in his life. For me I have PTSD from being in abuse for the first 40 years of my life. I was abused at home as a child and there was abuse in my first marriage. Generally we don’t go through our PTSD at the same time, recently though we were struggling with it at the same time. Junior was anxious and when he is anxious he tends to be angry. In his anger he uses his ‘man” voice which can be firm, scary to me. We were dealing with stress, with a new Dr. for me and taking B to her Dr. appointment and not knowing where we were going. This brought out the anxiety in us both and we were relating in our PTSD mode. One of the things I do most days is pray for my marriage. I ask God to teach me to be what Junior needs. I find that seeking Junior’s highest is really good for our marriage. I am not focused on my needs to the extent of not caring about Junior. I want what is best for him. So I believe God was helping me to not go in a panic mode that would escalate into a huge argument, each of us operating in our fear. At some point I was able to identify the problem and not react. Instead I was able to stay clear headed in my thinking. Was I afraid, yes I was. I was actually terrified. Still God helped me not fuss back at Junior as he talked what to me was scary. In that we both began to calm down and act rationally. As I said I pray pretty much daily ask for God to teach me to be what Junior needs. In asking God to teach me to be what Junior needs, I find ways to relate to him that otherwise would derail our relationship if I acted on my own. I was able to deescalate our situation and we found the Dr.’s and we went on to have a good day. Tomorrow is Easter. We celebrate Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. In the Bible I find times where prophets raised people from the dead. One prophet lay on the child and he came back to life. Jesus himself brought a few people back to life. He was in charge of the situation. Jesus though came back without any intervention from a human. He simply rose from the dead three days after he died. I have been pondering that fact for some time. God raised Jesus from the dead. No one else was involved but God and Jesus. Junior and I have been married 14 years now. We still enjoy each other and our marriage. We both had moments within the marriage where we wondered about what we’ve gotten ourselves into. At this point though we have overcome much and find the other person to be a good companion and friend. It is hard for me to pray without thanking God for putting me in this marriage. When I was divorced I found myself wondering if men and women can truly enjoy each other. I remember praying and asking God to allow me to be in a good marriage to someone I respected and looked up to. I went on with life and at some point I met Junior. We hit it off right from the start. We married and have enjoyed each other’s company/companionship through the years. After we married I remembered how I had lost respect for my first husband and I did not want to do that again. I began writing Junior letters and I only allowed myself to tell him what I admired in him. He thinks I was doing that to be nice. Nope I realized if I told him often what I liked I wasn’t going to see the faults he had. Next I remember starting to pray for our marriage. I did not want to be as unhappy as I was the first time around and I began praying for my marriage. I continue to pray for my marriage. I believe God opens my heart to Junior and I find him to be the best companion for me. I have found pure joy in seeking his highest good. I find I don’t have to win arguments for the sake of winning. So we were both struggling that day. His man voice in deep anger is frightening to me. In my life that man voice in anger generally meant someone was going to get hurt. I have a tendency to want to run, to leave the room and in a moving car…..you can’t run. At some point it occurred to me that he was struggling. We have learned that new things tend to be a trigger for Junior, airports come to mind. Junior gets frustrated trying to navigate airports, the tickets etc. We know he struggles and so we have found ways to lessen the fear where we can and I ride out the caustic comments if necessary. Jesus died for our sins. Were we sinning? Yes and no. Due to the fall, we are not what we were created to be and in that we weren’t able to function well. As I ask Jesus to be in my life though I find moments where I can function beyond my wildest imagination. So in my other life, I would have entered into an argument and felt justified. In this new life…..I am able to look beyond the moment. God opens my heart to what my man is struggling with and God teaches me what I need to do. I was struggling too and God helped me to move past my fear and to look at my husband with compassion. As I acknowledged my fear I was able to let go and soon Junior and I were the friends we love being with the other. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet