March 24, 2012 Greetings my Friend, Recently I had been struggling with an upset stomach and vomiting bile. This struggle went on for several months and each time I had a bout with it the length of time was longer. The first time I thought I had a bug and then when it kept happening I began to think I had something else wrong. Finally I woke up one day and said take me to the ER. I had enough and wanted an answer. At the hospital the Dr. informed me that my appendix looked bad. They felt that it had burst. Upon further study they decided I had an ovarian cyst and that is why they thought it had burst. I finally had an answer to all my stomach distress. I thought I was dealing with GERDS. I had emergency surgery and my appendix was removed. The next week though I was back to vomiting. I hate vomiting. I had thought long and hard at one point in my life about using vomiting as a means to control my weight. I chose not to use this method for weight control because of my disdain for vomiting. Through the process I also felt that a lifetime of stress had caught up with me. I still believe the stress of my life has been playing havoc on my energy level. Cancer didn’t help. The last few years I worked after cancer I struggled to do what I had been doing for years. For most of my previous marriage I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. Being the oldest in a chaotic home didn’t help either. A lot was expected of me and if I did not measure up I felt the wrath of not being a perfect child. Depression has not helped me either. As I look back over my life I have had bouts of serious depression from childhood on. I am a feelings oriented person. I have spent a lifetime trying to not live in a feelings state. I remember I used to feel people’s feelings down in my being. When I started working I had to teach myself to not “feel’ people. I could not do that and do my job. My Junior can walk away from relationships. When someone walks out the door on Junior’s life he will close it and not look back. I can’t do that. I will walk away if I feel I must. I will struggle though. Junior’s growing up was as crazy as or even crazier than mine. His Dad moved his family several times a year. His Dad was always involved in illegal schemes and often the family took off when he would walk in the door yelling pack up we are moving. This meant Junior was the new kid on the block often and he would have to establish himself yet again. He lost friends he liked and he quickly learned to let go and shut the door to emotions. At the hospital I called my son’s voice mail to tell him about my surgery that would be that day. I knew he was at work and figured he would call when he could. He had his wife call me and get the details. I gave them to her and by that time we learned that my appendix had not burst. I had an ovarian cyst. So I gave her that information as well. Before surgery I received a call from my daughter. I was having problems with my cell phone and I had morphine in my system. I wasn’t able to figure out the phone situation so I gave the call to Junior. As I came out of the fog of all the drugs in my system after surgery I worried that my daughter may have been upset with me. My daughter called me again the next day and I explained my inability to process the previous day. She said she understood. We went on to have a 45 minute chat. It felt wonderful talking to my daughter again. I have been praying for my children and grandchildren since I have begun my faith journey. With this phone call I believe God heard my prayers and at the right time had my daughter call me. I pray that this phone call is one of many we will have. As I went through a struggle recently it seemed most people did not understand how I processed my feelings. My son called me and we talked about what was bothering me. He understood me like no one else had. He understood my hurt and acknowledged it. That helped me so much. My cousin and I will send e-mails back and forth. We explore our faith through these e-mails. Sometimes she will pose a question and we delve deeper into the faith aspect of the question. I have enjoyed these back and forth situations a whole lot. They help me grow in my faith and they sometimes help me put a ‘face” on my faith. In one of our conversations we talked about the situation in which my son had called me. I told her how he understood me like no one else had. We both came to the same conclusion and that surprised me. I was talking over the event with junior and it occurred to me that my son understood because I raised him. He would know the way I process things and more than likely he may even process to some extent the same way. The next e-mail exchange my cousin had said the same thing before I had a chance to tell her my discovery. I felt that familiar level when my daughter called me. We haven’t really talked in 12 years and then she was on the phone chatting with me like we had years ago. I raised her and she knows how I am. She is the child that would touch me as I struggled through so many tears. My daughter would hold my hand well into her teenage years. She was the piece of sanity in all the chaos of life at times. Of course my favorite moments were when we would sit on the couch with one of Great Grandma’s afghan’s over us and we were knee to knee talking about….whatever. There was a lot of chaos and dysfunction in the home when my children were growing up. It is something I grieved at my divorce. In my heart I believe my children have been processing anger. I pray that the anger issues are resolved now. I have had people tell me that I push the ones closest to me away. I disagree. Have you closed doors? Is it time to open it and explore? Forgiving the past is probably one of the most freeing things you can do. May God bless you and keep you, make his face shine upon you. Love Janet