March 17, 2011 Greetings My Friend, I grew up with a small family. We didn’t have many cousins we grew up with. Mom had one brother and we knew his children who were a good ten years younger than us. There were a couple more we would interact with when they lived in the area. Their Dad was in the military and they often were out of state. We knew Mom’s mother as Grandma and we did not know Dad’s family very well. As a young woman and mother I tended to ask for pieces of furniture, pictures and even a set of old tin type photo albums and got them. These things began to be the “roots” I longed for in a family. They were reminders to me that I had a family dating back into history. As I looked at these items around the house I felt connected to a family. As we settled in VA I struggled with the estrangement of family relationships for various reasons. I was feeling like a sailboat on the water without a sail. I felt no direction or connection to others. Something inside of me was looking for that connection. One day I looked up a name in the phone directory. This name was the name of a cousin on Dad’s side of the family. I dialed the number and have met over the phone and through e-mail these cousins and their mother. My cousins are relating to me in a family kind of way. They give me a connection that I have longed for. I am learning “who” Dad was and what he came from. I even have learned to have compassion for Dad. His father was a tyrant. I find I have more compassion for Dad at this point in my life. He has been gone for 20 years now but I find that I understand why Dad was the way he was. Dad had his quirks and it was difficult to be his child. In all of that I even see the compassion Dad had. When Dad was a kid he would bring home stray animals all the time. Dad told me that often but the cousins have told me that. Their father mentioned to them about Dad’s bringing home a stray all the time ways. So we always had a pet or two as kids. Dad loved his animals. Dad even began to bring home the ‘unwanted” children who crossed his path. A neighbor lady often complained that the problem in her marriage was her step-daughter. Dad kept saying she was not the problem. Finally Dad told her she could send the step-daughter to our house and she could live with us. K came and lived with us for a few years…I can’t remember how long. We kids were always striving to feel wanted and loved. We all displayed our need in various ways. My siblings often got into trouble. I tried to be the “good” girl. I was also a tattle tale type of kid. I got into trouble if I did not tell. I got into trouble if I did tell. I was always told I had to set the example so I tried to be good. My siblings often said I was a “goody two shoes’. K wound up being sent back home because I “told on her” one too many times. It is a guilt I have lived with for decades. After K left we grew up, she grew up. In the back of my mind I have always wondered how she was. We have not seen each other since that fateful day she was sent back home to live. We have had absolutely no contact. My sister has been on a quest to find k and she found her this past year. She sent her an e-mail. Later I sent an e-mail. So far the e-mails have gone unanswered but she accepted us as a friend on FB. I find myself looking at her FB page. I see her children and her pictures as a grandmother at this point in our lives. My heart consistently asks “who are you?’ “What has your life been?’ I can gather some idea as I look at pictures and read her FB entries. There was also L. She lived with us a very short time. She was the girlfriend of the boy across the street. I loved L. She was older so I did struggle with being younger. Still I loved her in the short time she lived with us. L was pregnant and Dad asked her to leave. I was crushed and angry even. I felt that was when she needed us the most. Dad was concerned that us girls would go out and get pregnant because she may have set the example. Dad felt by asking her to leave that we would not do that. Right? Wrong? I don’t know. I think often about those years with k and l. They were a part of my growing up. They were Dad’s strays that he wanted to save from the abuses of life. They were my sisters for a time as well. After we grew up and left home Dad brought in a couple more girls throughout the years. Dad wanted to make life easier for some hurting children. Did he? I don’t know. Our home was always in chaos. It is what I know. I went from my childhood home of chaos to my own home with chaos. I feel my children may have been angry because I did not get them out of that chaos. I did not know what a home free of chaos looked like or how to get it. I worried about leaving and the potential poverty we would be in. I knew poverty as well. My kids had a roof over their heads their entire lives. They had food on the table everyday as well. They also never went without heat, electricity or water. The bills were paid. I felt like I gave them way more than I had. Junior has taught me how to live a life free of chaos. Comparatively, our life is boring. Our lives though are rich and full. We travel. We have friends. We love and respect each other. We both say that until the other walked in our lives that we never knew love. I believe it is Jesus. He teaches me how to be a wife. He teaches me to let go. When I keep Jesus at the center of my heart I find life falling into place. I have family. That feels nice. It isn’t objects any longer. It is family, sometimes a church family, sometimes it is biological and sometimes it is the wonderful friends we have made. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet