March 10, 2012 Greetings My Friend, There is that old struggle again. I had it in my first marriage big time. I have it in this marriage sometimes. I think it is a struggle of a woman trying to talk to a man who hears with his blue hearing aids kind of thing. I am told I repeat myself and I don’t know that I am until I hear the comment. It has dawned on me that the repeating isn’t because I forget as much as I am trying to say something important and I am not understood and I believe when the repeating occurs is that I think I have found a way that will make sense this time. By the end of the first marriage there were some fights I wish I could have recorded and hit a button each time we re-entered into what to me was the same discussion with a new set of dressings on it. There were certain struggles that no matter how I went about it I was perceived in a certain way. The current struggle is I am seen as a hypochondriac and I am lazy. It hurts me to no end to be perceived this way. For me it took a counselor to tell me that I need to tell people when I don’t feel good. I call it reporting. I found myself telling the hospital staff as I went through appendix surgery that I was reporting and I was not looking for anything other than to inform them of what was going on inside of me. I often will tell junior that I am not feeling well. I then go lie down and pretty much want to be left alone until I feel better. I do want him to bring food though. When I don’t feel real good I often don’t want to figure out food. I do get hungry. Many times jello is something that settles my stomach etc. I feel I have reported and he feels I am looking for him to feel sorry for me. Many times in my past life I was teased as I struggled to get better. I think the teasing may have not meant to be mean but I don’t really feel up to teasing when I am sick. I also remember times where I tried to check out if you will and I couldn’t because the children needed to be tended to etc. The backup help wasn’t always given so I could take care of me. When Junior retired and I continued to work he wound up taking care of the house more than I did. The year junior retired from back problems I had cancer as well. As I state often the road back from cancer has been about the hardest road back to normalcy I have ever undertaken. After retiring I went downhill real bad. The struggle to have energy, the fight with a loved one, arthritis pain reared its ugly head and of course hypoglycemia and the headaches and vomiting that went with that. Two moves in two years topped all that out so depression was added to my struggles. I have felt like I was fighting my way out of a paper bag for years now. Each time it feels like I see myself working back to normal I feel slammed yet again. Add to this to this a very small house to live in with all the things we had in a much larger house and I found I could not find a way to keep house and find a home for everything we owned. We discovered we weren’t good renters so we bought a home that needs a ton of work and yes I am overwhelmed yet again. In the new house though I have kept up with the bedroom, the sheets being washed weekly and re-making the bed and I feel like I am making forward movement. I keep the bathroom clean. I am making most of our meals. I am keeping the cat boxes clean and I make attempts at keeping up with the sweeping. Some days are better than others. To me this is all forward movement and way more than I was doing. I am not sleeping at the drop of the hat anymore. I have learned to be up and down all night as I learn that being older for me means a disrupted sleep pattern. I have not figured out to keep house when ladders, tools and boards are part of our everyday. I don’t know how to work behind my man since he prefers to work by himself and doesn’t always know how to direct me. That brings to mind that I am writing on the polio story and my blog. I am trying to write in a state of chaos when a quiet peaceful setting would be much more helpful. I go out to check on my books where I have placed them around town. I hope to start making crafts soon so I can work craft fairs and also sell my book. I am making plans and slowly I am implementing my plans as I can and in all of this though I am considered lazy….ouch that hurts. So I make my case yet again in what I perceive as a way for my man to ‘hear’ how hard I am trying. He tells me I am repeating myself and the heart to heart connection is not made yet again. I can see as we come to an end with all the chaos of construction that I will once more step up to the plate of keeping the house in order. It is something I want badly. He has and is working real hard to bring me a beautiful home. I want to give to him as he works hard. That is why I am cooking meals in such a makeshift kitchen. That is why I am trying to keep our bedroom clean and the bathroom. So I swallow the hurt about me being lazy and a hypochondriac. He is too good of a man to hold this against him and let it simmer in my heart. Still an acknowledgement of my attempt s to come back would go far. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet