April 21, 2012 Greetings my Friend, I have been struggling with depression yet again. I have been considering taking an anti-depressant with my Doctor’s advice. Right now I feel like “how many more battles Lord?” I’d like to both curl up in a ball somewhere and stay there….well actually I sit in the recliner, turn the TV on and sit. I don’t want to commit suicide. I’m afraid it would not take and I’d be an invalid. I also don’t want to commit suicide because I’d be killing myself and the 10 commandments teach to not kill. I love words. I have loved to write, journal etc. since I was a child. Words move me. As I journal I can’t find the words to name what is going on inside of me. I have been struggling for a few weeks now. So again I tried to journal and finally words came. I wrote two e-mails to people who love me and words came. I was so happy when the words began to flow out of me once more. We aren’t getting the addition. I told Junior I was sad. I did not tell him I was mad. Junior is a sensitive guy and I did not want to hurt his feelings. Truth of the matter is…I was very unhappy. I am angry actually. I buried my anger so I would not hurt Junior’s feelings. In that I lost who I was. Finally I admitted my anger. I was able to tell Junior and not spew forth venom. I think that is what I feared the venom. When my anger flares I can be rather mean with my words. Since I have been with Junior I have worked hard at not unleashing my mouth whenever life hurls a curve ball. Junior is a nice guy. He is sensitive in many ways so to be mean isn’t something I want to do anymore. I could unleash my venom in my previous life and not care. In this life…I don’t want to give into it so I work hard at controlling it. The contractor talked with Junior. The dream began to take shape. I saw the bedroom and bathroom and laundry room taking shape in my dreams. I saw a walk in closet too. I began to buy the dream, taste the dream and then the dream was gone. I also saw that the addition was the beginning of the end. In my mind when the addition was finished most of the renovating would be done and we’d be living a retired life instead of a renovating life. Next I had a struggle with my impulsive behavior. I don’t mean to question everything but sometimes I do. I like to add my thoughts to discussions as well. I was in a group situation and raising my hand a lot and adding my thoughts. My behavior made the instructor uncomfortable and I was talked to about this. I felt bad. I wasn’t trying to be a problem but I was a problem. So depression was my best friend again for a few weeks. I quit picking up, cleaning the cat box etc. I cooked some and kept the sheets clean and that’s about all I did. I do like to run so if we needed to do errands I’d go with Junior or run on my own. Other than that I sat in my chair and watched TV. When the words flowed again, I began to see me coming back to the land of the living. I knew I was on the other side of this depression. Somewhere in all of this I knew that I knew that God was going to help me move past the hurt. That has been a comfort to me. I know even in my deepest depression that God knows what is going on and he will move to help me. There are some that believe that anti-depressants and counseling are not needed if you are on a faith journey. For me that is hard to believe. Many years ago I was told that as a victim of abuse, I’d probably need counseling throughout my life. That has proven true. I did go 10 years without counseling. In that time frame though I was in accountability groups which helped me move through life. After we left Michigan and had no accountability group I found myself struggling. I was depressed due to many reasons, health and life in general. Slowly I am working my way back to the ‘old’ Janet. I have read my Bible prayed and attended church and yet I still struggle. I love Jesus beyond measure. In fact if it weren’t for Jesus, I wouldn’t be able to function. Jesus gives me hope and hope helps me move out that door. My junior is also a guy who struggles with PTSD. He is a man and when men are scared they tend to get angry. Junior is no exception. His PTSD can make him fearful at times and then he gets angry. One time when I was going through radiation he had a moment in the car where he was going to get out and get into a fist fight. I pulled him back into the car and he settled down. After many years of counseling alone he asked to be put on an anti-depressant. He is able to stay calm easier now. He isn’t constantly trying to hold his anger in check. Actually he doesn’t get as angry at all now. So the medication helps him do life without all the struggles he had before. I am choosing to not go the anti-depressant route at present anyway. For me, I have a tendency to be overly sensitive to drugs. I will be the small percentage of people who suffer the worst of the side effects and so I don’t want to add that to my list of struggles as well. In my heart I believe God knows my struggle and will guide me. I also believe God has given me the counselor that is best for me. So I am moving through life as well as I can. I also believe God uses this struggle of mine. I find whenever I write about depression people who write to tell me of their struggles. I think I offer hope to others who struggle with what I struggle with. That comforts me too. Where is your hope? Is it a bottle? Sex? Drugs? I’d like to ask you to turn your struggle over to Jesus. He helps me with any problem I have. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet