April 28, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I was thinking that having a “do over” button would be really nice. You know if I would have known I would have never done….. For me I would go back to my teenage years and I would stay away from drugs and alcohol. I would want to date a Christian boy and not enter into sex until I was married. I would also want to do some things different in my parenting. For each decade of life I have things I would want to do over. As I became divorced my children were young adults. They were marrying and having children. I took a “time out” for some of the holiday/family gatherings. Many were at my ex-husband’s place and I found it very painful to be near him so I did not go. As I grew stronger I re-entered into the gatherings and found that customs were formed in my absence. More often than not these days I feel a deep sadness as holidays come around. I feel very much alone. I have grown in my faith and as the holiday arrives and passes I do fine. For me it is those days leading to the holiday that I struggle. Each year God holds me and shows me that He is all I truly need. Still those days leading to the holiday are about the loneliest I feel. I also realize somewhere deep in me that these moments are what shape me. I also realize that my struggles are what allow me to reach out to others and offer them hope. I do find a peace when I can offer hope to someone else. M comes to mind. I worked with her for 10 years before I retired. As I was retiring she wrote me an e-mail that had me in tears. She was being abused by her boyfriend. Her husband had died and this man entered her life. He was nice and treated her so wonderfully in the beginning. After he moved in with her he began to be angry and then he began abusing her. M had heard me talk about my abuse and she reached out to me. We went to Celebrate Recovery and she has stayed away from abusive relationships. God has used my struggles. These struggles allow me to give others the hope I have. Before a strong walk with Jesus….I had no hope. Now I can offer a true hope. When I am shopping sometimes I tell people my first husband liked to use me for a punching bag, this husband has never hit me. I don’t say this to get sympathy, although I often do get it. I say it for the one person who needs to know that we don’t have to stay in that relationship. Often times a lady will say something like “I am just getting out of that.” I tell her that there will be a day where life won’t hurt. I tell about Jesus. I feel God lies on my heart what I need to say. As I went through cancer I often had people say that they were a so many year survivor. That gave me so much hope that I could live beyond cancer. That is what I am trying to tell another person when I tell them of my abuse and surviving it. I also tell people about my bouts of depression again not to get attention but to offer the hope I have. My hope is Jesus. Jesus has held me so tenderly at times and as I come out of my depression I feel able to face the struggles that want to suffocate me. I am also finding that by telling I am finding hope as well. I am reminding myself of where I was and where I am now. The “Janet” of 30 years ago is not the “Janet” now. I am able to make decisions and move about life easier. Yes I have my moments but somewhere in those moments now I know that I know life will be better. In many of the Psalms and throughout the Bible I find that the people would remember. They remembered when God brought them out of Egypt out of bonds of slavery. They remembered when God provided for them. For me telling is a way of remembering how God has helped me and continues to help me. As I go in and out of depression now many times I will know/remember that God will help me. I even learn how to turn to God sooner than later now. As I was growing up I learned that “God helps those who help themselves and we need to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.” I believe the better way is to give my struggle to God and then allow God to direct me. I am better at this but there are still moments where I try to get out of my struggle on my own and find myself even more depressed. I do believe though that I need to do what God is telling me to do. I find that if I have a peace about what I am doing then I am following God’s direction. If there is no peace then I need to go back to prayer and listen again. I did that when I married Junior. I was so afraid of entering into another bad relationship. I did not want to be married again if I had to work so hard at being married. I prayed hard before I went to marry Junior. I felt a peace come over me and I went to him. I have not regretted one day of this marriage. We do have struggles for sure but I find being with Junior the best gift I have ever been given. I pray to be the wife Junior needs and in that I find such a wonderful sense of love and commitment. May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shineupon you. Love Janet