February 25, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I am in an accountability group on FB. This group is helping and letting me help them and I love the inter-action etc. We tend to talk back and forth and in this process I often understand a struggle I am having and even gain a new way to deal with a struggle. Recently as we did a back and forth on line a comment stuck out in my thoughts. The comment was, ‘we hoard our emotions” like people who hoard belongings. I truly liked this concept. Yes we tend to be able to recall something that has hurt us deeply as if it was yesterday. I have many scenes that come to mind and they are front and center and I feel each pain I felt back when all the junk happened. If I think on hoarding then I see some similarities. Aunt R was a major hoarder. When we went to help her move we saw her tears. Aunt R had huge tears over the worst of clothes. These clothes were ripped, torn and stained and the wonderment was, “what did she see in this piece of clothing.’ It was not only the clothing but everything in the house. She was attached to everything in a personal way. The weird thing is Aunt R would get irritated at a neighbor for having things in the yard. As we stood at the window looking into the neighbor’s yard, she seemed to not see the piles in her own yard. I found myself amazed that Aunt R could not see her own mess. As she sold her house she would have the perspective buyers come into the house, offer them a seat and some tea. She would tell stories of the house of life in general. She saw herself as a proper lady from years past. She was very good in her speech and diction. It was amazing to realize she did not see her offensive messes. She had an image in her mind and that is where she lived. She never really saw the mess and the reality of what was. It amazes me even now. So I have a good idea of what hoarders are about. Aunt R had a house with three stories plus a basement. She wound up moving from floor to floor as her ‘stuff” over took her. She could not even shut the front and back doors because stuff overtook her that much. To be honest even Mom and Dad had struggles with hoarding. My brother and sister-in-law often came by to get things back in order for them. Mom and Dad never got as bad as Aunt R but they had their moments as well. So I started to think on hoarding in regards to emotional struggles. I see where I have my areas of hoarding in my thoughts. Some thoughts are hard to let go of. When I go there in my thought life, I can remember the instance as if it were just yesterday. I can remember even the fear that ripped through me. I can remember the tears. I remember each and every detail of some things. Right now I am working through what I believe is PTSD with regard to going back to MI. Each trip I begin to get fearful that I will run into my ex. He talks to me as if we are old friends. I give my stone faced answers in short “yes and no’s” I truly don’t enjoy seeing him. When I see him I remember back when. I remember the pure anger spewing forth out of his mouth and in his words. Through the years I have tried to walk away only to have him on my heels telling me one more thing. I don’t want to see him, be near him or even talk to him. He is that scary to me still. I have recently discovered my anxiety. A friend gave it a name that makes sense, it is PTSD and I believe that is what I am struggling with. I don’t want harm to come to my ex, I just don’t want to be friends or hang out or anything. I am now working through this struggle with my counselor, in my journaling and with close friends. It is very real and very scary to me. As I thought on this, I realized I haven’t seen him since we moved to VA. It did not occur to me though until we got home. Since he is the father of my children I felt that running into him was a given when we visit and attend a birthday or such. AS I write we are preparing for a trip to MI and I have been working hard on my emotions so I won’t give into the fear that wants to grip me. Can you see the hoarding? I can. I hold this fear close to my heart. I relive it over and over. I can give a word by word description of my struggle. The reality is that I have not run into my ex in over two years since I moved down to VA. The move has truly let me leave him where he needs to be in MI. So until I began to look at my fear for what it was, I was hoarding my fear. I was holding onto it as if it was only yesterday that the abuse happened. As I have struggled and explored this though the reality is, I have not seen him in over two years. This is only one of many fears occupying space in my head. There is Dad wandering around at night in our bedroom. I hear him still. I hear him dealing with my sister when she took too many diet pills and she kept saying “I want your baby.” I hear also that “good” girls don’t go out after dark, go to the train tracks etc. These memories are front and center as I struggle with being awake in the middle of the night. I hate being awake in the middle of the night. Bad things happen at that hour so I’d rather be asleep and not deal with the junk that may happen. Junior has taught me not to be afraid by not being scary. He putters around while I sleep. He wakes up hours before I do. When I wake up…I hear him working on projects, talking to the animals and he is always quiet, gentle and in that I feel so safe. Almost fourteen years later…I feel safe to wake up with him being awake before me. It has taken many years for me to feel safe. I know that Junior will not come at me to harm me. I know that Junior wants my good. It feels nice, safe and I love it. I continue to work on the things from my past. I continue to grow. I continue to learn how to let go. Thank God! What are you hoarding? May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet

February 18, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Life as we know it will one day end. It does for every person. It is an uncomfortable topic. I know when I mentioned that we have made our funeral arrangements to some extent…not all arrangements but bought a cemetery lot and a casket…our children were highly uncomfortable. They did not want us to discuss this. I wasn’t trying to make them uncomfortable but trying to take care of business. We have all heard of horror stories where the final arrangements were not planned for and the huge struggles that ensue because of it. Junior and I did not do a will right away. We had to think how we wanted our money etc. divided up. When we had worked it out between us then we went to a lawyer and had a will drawn up – well a trust. When I had cancer I knew from the start I wasn’t going to die from it. Still the word ‘cancer’ was sobering. My one friend who had breast cancer survived it only to have uterine cancer the next year. That was a fear I lived with for a few years. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop…to hear the awful words ‘I have cancer’ a second time. I am now 7 years cancer free and I feel I may be able to live a long life. M her mom had cancer back in the 60’s and her mom is in her 80’s. So I see the chance to live a long and productive life. As I went through cancer people would tell me ‘I’m a….so many year survivor” and the years I often was hearing were decades. That statement gave me such hope. I now tell people the same thing. As I say often ‘hope’ is what drives me. Until I had hope life was a huge struggle. My hope is real now. It is Jesus! I began to really think about my death as I went through cancer. I think that the older we get the reality hits us as well. That again is why we do wills, buy our cemetery lots etc. I had a strong desire to want to live. I wanted to be junior’s wife, I wanted to see my grandchildren grow up; I wanted to retire and to write. I had a lot of dreams I wanted to see through. As I pondered dying though I began to come to a peace with it. The thought I had was ‘if I die, I will be with Jesus and if I don’t then I get to do the work God has for me.’ To me this was a comforting moment. I still don’t like the thought of dying to be honest. I am afraid in some ways. I am not afraid to be dead it is the getting to the ‘dead’ part that scares me. I see Jesus struggled with the dying as well. He went into the garden to pray. He was sweating drops of blood….that is pretty upset to me. Jesus prayed, ‘Father take this cup of suffering from me, not my will but your will.’ He prayed this 3 times and then God sent angels to comfort Jesus. Another sobering thought I have is if I had not accepted the gift of Jesus then I would probably go to hell. As I quote often ‘For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten Son that whoever shall believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.’ As I see it we have to accept this gift. To me accepting the gift is being thankful for it and then changing my life as I feel prompted by the Holy Spirit. I can’t stay the same. For me ‘hell’ became real as I looked at the cross. As I pray through the cross each day I begin to not only see the immense pain Jesus suffered, I begin to see what hell is. The Bible talks about hell and it isn’t a fun day in the park. It is a gnashing of the teeth. There is the rich man asking Father Abraham to have Lazarus bring him a drink of water. He also asks for his family to be told so they don’t end up in hell. Father Abraham tells the rich man that we were given the opportunity to know, through the prophets etc. Jesus’ pain was awful. He had mental, spiritual and physical pain. I can’t even begin to discern all the pain he went through. I know though that he went through immense pain. Nails in his flesh, the scourging which is being whipped and the bone and glass tied to the whip tearing his flesh apart had to be ever so painful. They beat his face till it was so swollen, the crown of thorns on his head oh my. So I see that hell is an eternity of this type of pain. Eternity is a very long time – forever really. Paul was such a great teacher. He said to die was gain. He found himself longing to be with Christ. He also knew that he was on earth till his work was finished. That is how I feel. I feel that God has me here for a reason and until my work is complete, I will be here. I have met people who seemed to be at peace when dying. Dad comes to mind. He seemed to struggle letting life go as the end came near. I had learned in a class that sometimes we need to tell the dying that it is ok. I kept telling Dad that we would take care of mom. Dad seemed to be comforted knowing mom would be taken care of. He also kept saying he saw D, the nephew who died 10 months earlier. He saw Grandpa. I felt they were waiting for Dad to take him to God. My sister-in-law kept saying she could feel D in the room with Dad. These types of moments tend to point out that God is waiting for us to come home to him. This comforts me greatly. As I find peace with dying I also find a need to share the ‘hope’ I have. I believe part of my work on earth is to bring the hope I have to others. The hope I have is found at the cross, even beyond the cross. The hope I have is in the resurrection itself. Jesus rose from the dead. He walked among us for 40 days before going into heaven. Jesus is alive even now! That is why I don’t mind being dead. They dying is scary but as I pray I find even Jesus struggled. So I pray, I try hard to stay close to God and God will give me what I need to face whatever trials I may have. Nope I can’t do life anymore without God/Jesus’ gift of salvation. Where is your hope? Do you have hope? I found mine at the cross….. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love janet

February 11, 2012 Greetings my Friend, My heart is pondering the question, ‘Why walk with Jesus’ As I ponder this my mind goes back in time. Two wonderful women came to the aid of my family when my nephew drowned. There were 8 grandchildren that lost their brother/cousin. The children could handle only so much time in the funeral home and they in their own ways were grieving. As I think on this a conversation I had recently comes to mind as well. My ex had gone out and I did not know how to reach him. I called all around and could not find him. I called our minister and he came by to help me tell my kids and that the brother and sister of the child that drowned. Their mom and Dad had gone to the hospital thinking he was injured and at the hospital they were told the news he had died. I received the phone call and it was up to me to tell all four children. I did not know how they were all going to grieve so my minister came over to help me. My son reminded me of how that evening went. I just remembered the overall feeling of grief and not much else to be honest. Anyway we told my two children first. My son told me that after hearing the news he went outside and rode his bike for a long time. That was the way he dealt with the pain of grief. My heart broke for him being alone and riding his bike. We then told the niece and nephew and that part is etched in my mind’s eye. My nephew who was less than a year younger than his brother took the news real hard. He cried and could not move out of the minister’s embrace. Anyway back to the women who helped the family. They came each day of the funeral process. They watched after the children, fed them and even bathed them – the youngest ones. As the kids had questions they answered them and they held them when grief overtook them. For this act of love I am ever so grateful. It is a thought that comes back to me often. I feel their love over and over again. The one friend has since died but I still feel her love. I believe in my heart that Jesus sent these women to us. They answered the call on their heart to help us. Through the years I have had a strong desire to give back as they gave to us that time of grief so long ago now. I am ever so thankful for their love. One more thought comes to mind here. When my Dad died my ex told me that all I needed was three days to grieve, that was the time frame our jobs gave us and that should be all I need to get over his death. My friend m came by after the funeral and grief was over taking me. I grieved the struggle my relationship was with my Dad, with the anger, the abuse and the pain of life in general. M held me that day as I had never been held. She patted my head and then held me so tenderly. I was able to relax and eventually lay down in her lap as she stroked my hair. It was the first time in my life that I had had ever been touched so gently. I cried myself out and then found the courage to get up and go into life. I relate these experiences because in them I have had a need a desire to reach back to these precious friends and give of myself in their time of need. Recently m’s mother needed some help and I was so excited to go to mi and help her mother. I was hoping to give back a measure of what she had given me so long ago. It worked out that I could not help her mother since part of her care would require me to help her mother physically and her mother is about 3 times my size. This sense of giving back is what my faith journey is about. As I comprehend the cross, the terrible suffering Jesus went through I find myself wanting to give back. Through the years I have prayed my way through the cross pretty much on a daily basis. As I look at the cross and see what Jesus suffered….I find myself ever so grateful. He would die for me, for all who will believe. It is to Jesus I went when I was divorced. It is to Jesus I went when Mom died. It is to Jesus I go when life hurts beyond measure. In Jesus I find I can cope and live life. My heart wants to reach out and offer the hope I have. I have also found that each person in Christ has a gift to give. My gift is writing. I also tend to have a need to give to those that are hurting, lost and abused. This is the way I try to give back for the love I have been given. Just as I wanted to give to my friends for their help I find I want to give back to Jesus. People now are so concerned about offending others with our belief. I struggle with this as well. I know that when I find a great bargain I want to tell people about what I got. When people talk to me about my granddaughter I have a desire to let them know she is an athlete…she is real good. My other Granddaughter is big into plays and has acted in a few. I love to share this with people. So it is with my faith, my walk with Jesus. I want to share him and what he has done in my life. That is why people tell their ‘testimony’s’. What is your testimony? Do you have one? May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you. Love Janet

February 4, 2012 Greetings My Friend, Thoughts at large: The dining room wall has been taken down between the dining room and the kitchen. The dining room ceiling is up. It has planks of boards and looks like a bead board ceiling. I think it fits in with the age of the house nicely. Junior is working in the attic, putting in insulation, wiring the house more and putting boards down so he can walk around easier in the attic. This little behind the scenes thing is so necessary but you can’t see the progress. I wait anxiously for the visible changes. Junior put up a truss so when the wall came down there was the proper support. The truss is in the attic and of course you can’t see that either. There is a huge hole in the kitchen ceiling and I feel the coolness from the attic so hopefully soon he will put up something to cover the hole. I’m thinking it would look nice to put up the planks of wood on the kitchen ceiling like in the dining room only have the boards go in the opposite direction. He seemed to like the idea as well. We will see. Our screened in porch will have a gas stove put in and we can have that as a 3 season room. I like that too. The screened in porch is at the front of the house that faces the street. Right across the street is woods and very little traffic goes down our road so we will have a nice view. We are thinking we will move the family room to the front room in front of the fireplace. Both rooms have a fireplace but the current family room will be a bedroom/office/exercise room. With the futon that makes it possible. The furniture needs to be moved out so Junior can work on putting up the ceiling which will be boards again. We like that a whole lot. As we reshape our home a new thought arises that maybe the screened in porch will become an enclosed porch with windows instead of screens. Then that room can become our new family room….way down the road at this point. This room is larger and we will see the road and the cars come by. Right now I don’t see much of anything due to the way the house is situated. The current enclosed porch will become our storage area with closets and drawers. I also hope Junior will put a bench in with a lid for storage as well. The washer and dryer will go in there and the old laundry room will be a 2nd bathroom. Again our plans change and reshape. As I talk with my son he reminds me that FB isn’t about deep relationships. It is a surface type of friendship. I have noticed that some people accept me as a friend and when I comment on their things I never get a response. I am getting used to this way of relating. I am a person who wants to get heart to heart with everybody so I was miffed when people accepted me and then didn’t seem to want to talk to me. I also see some real mushy stuff. “I love you” between parent and child. I see stuff go around about bullying behavior and the devastating affects it has on people. The weird thing is some of the ones passing this stuff around to me are doing a lot of bullying behavior themselves. The mushy family stuff to me is not real and I believe these people want the world to think that all is perfect in their lives. The thing is I know differently. That brings me to another thought. In the past I had someone confide in me. They told me of the hurt they experienced in a relationship. This person later claimed to be best of friends with the one that has hurt them. When I struggled with the one that hurt them, this person claims they are best of friends. They did not want to hear any of my struggles with the one that hurt them. I was told that I was gossiping. Nope I was not trying to gossip. I was trying to wrap my brain around the offender and how to deal with them and the person who knew them I was hoping they were going to help me in my struggle. The weird thing is I know what happened because they confided in me. To pretend or close the door just doesn’t make sense to me. I have had a couple of times now where I have been chastised about being a gossip. Nope I wasn’t trying to be a gossip. I do find when I can be open and discuss a struggle then I can begin to handle the struggle, the person better. At this point I have pretty much walked away from this relationship. I think I was perceived as too needy and they didn’t want to deal with my neediness. I have found the support I needed and when I was able to voice my struggle I began to move away from the anger and frustration I felt. The older I am getting the more I want to surround myself with people who truly care about me and will let me care about them in the way that I am made. I am also more willing to let go of relationships if necessary. I truly don’t want to be a burden. If that means letting go of family so be it. My question today is….are you tolerant or do you just talk a good game of being tolerant? For me walking the walk is as or more important than talking the talk. May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love janet