February 25, 2012 Greetings My Friend, I am in an accountability group on FB. This group is helping and letting me help them and I love the inter-action etc. We tend to talk back and forth and in this process I often understand a struggle I am having and even gain a new way to deal with a struggle. Recently as we did a back and forth on line a comment stuck out in my thoughts. The comment was, ‘we hoard our emotions” like people who hoard belongings. I truly liked this concept. Yes we tend to be able to recall something that has hurt us deeply as if it was yesterday. I have many scenes that come to mind and they are front and center and I feel each pain I felt back when all the junk happened. If I think on hoarding then I see some similarities. Aunt R was a major hoarder. When we went to help her move we saw her tears. Aunt R had huge tears over the worst of clothes. These clothes were ripped, torn and stained and the wonderment was, “what did she see in this piece of clothing.’ It was not only the clothing but everything in the house. She was attached to everything in a personal way. The weird thing is Aunt R would get irritated at a neighbor for having things in the yard. As we stood at the window looking into the neighbor’s yard, she seemed to not see the piles in her own yard. I found myself amazed that Aunt R could not see her own mess. As she sold her house she would have the perspective buyers come into the house, offer them a seat and some tea. She would tell stories of the house of life in general. She saw herself as a proper lady from years past. She was very good in her speech and diction. It was amazing to realize she did not see her offensive messes. She had an image in her mind and that is where she lived. She never really saw the mess and the reality of what was. It amazes me even now. So I have a good idea of what hoarders are about. Aunt R had a house with three stories plus a basement. She wound up moving from floor to floor as her ‘stuff” over took her. She could not even shut the front and back doors because stuff overtook her that much. To be honest even Mom and Dad had struggles with hoarding. My brother and sister-in-law often came by to get things back in order for them. Mom and Dad never got as bad as Aunt R but they had their moments as well. So I started to think on hoarding in regards to emotional struggles. I see where I have my areas of hoarding in my thoughts. Some thoughts are hard to let go of. When I go there in my thought life, I can remember the instance as if it were just yesterday. I can remember even the fear that ripped through me. I can remember the tears. I remember each and every detail of some things. Right now I am working through what I believe is PTSD with regard to going back to MI. Each trip I begin to get fearful that I will run into my ex. He talks to me as if we are old friends. I give my stone faced answers in short “yes and no’s” I truly don’t enjoy seeing him. When I see him I remember back when. I remember the pure anger spewing forth out of his mouth and in his words. Through the years I have tried to walk away only to have him on my heels telling me one more thing. I don’t want to see him, be near him or even talk to him. He is that scary to me still. I have recently discovered my anxiety. A friend gave it a name that makes sense, it is PTSD and I believe that is what I am struggling with. I don’t want harm to come to my ex, I just don’t want to be friends or hang out or anything. I am now working through this struggle with my counselor, in my journaling and with close friends. It is very real and very scary to me. As I thought on this, I realized I haven’t seen him since we moved to VA. It did not occur to me though until we got home. Since he is the father of my children I felt that running into him was a given when we visit and attend a birthday or such. AS I write we are preparing for a trip to MI and I have been working hard on my emotions so I won’t give into the fear that wants to grip me. Can you see the hoarding? I can. I hold this fear close to my heart. I relive it over and over. I can give a word by word description of my struggle. The reality is that I have not run into my ex in over two years since I moved down to VA. The move has truly let me leave him where he needs to be in MI. So until I began to look at my fear for what it was, I was hoarding my fear. I was holding onto it as if it was only yesterday that the abuse happened. As I have struggled and explored this though the reality is, I have not seen him in over two years. This is only one of many fears occupying space in my head. There is Dad wandering around at night in our bedroom. I hear him still. I hear him dealing with my sister when she took too many diet pills and she kept saying “I want your baby.” I hear also that “good” girls don’t go out after dark, go to the train tracks etc. These memories are front and center as I struggle with being awake in the middle of the night. I hate being awake in the middle of the night. Bad things happen at that hour so I’d rather be asleep and not deal with the junk that may happen. Junior has taught me not to be afraid by not being scary. He putters around while I sleep. He wakes up hours before I do. When I wake up…I hear him working on projects, talking to the animals and he is always quiet, gentle and in that I feel so safe. Almost fourteen years later…I feel safe to wake up with him being awake before me. It has taken many years for me to feel safe. I know that Junior will not come at me to harm me. I know that Junior wants my good. It feels nice, safe and I love it. I continue to work on the things from my past. I continue to grow. I continue to learn how to let go. Thank God! What are you hoarding? May God bless you and keep you, make his face to shine upon you. Love Janet