July 30, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
Thoughts at large:
As I write it is Sunday afternoon. Since moving to Virginia, we've devloped the habit of going to church on Sunday evenings as well as going to church during the day on Sundays. It is a comfortable habit. This church in VA is like a family that I have not known most of my life. They take Junior and I warts and all. They accept my need to be fidgety, talkitive and flighty. They take Junior's blunt comments in stride. They love us in ways we have never been loved in our lives.
They also seem to understand our need to reach out to our neighbors and often pray as we reach out. They encourage us and hold us in so many wonderful ways. As I regain my strength, it is to the church I turn. I've started going to Bible Study on Monday's with the women of the church. It is wonderful to have my Sunday School women as friends and it is wonderful to have the Bible Study group as friends. It helps me as I struggle with life. It also helps me as I try to reach out.
I am now starting to go to the church on Friday's to help fold the bullitens and to fill the pews with envelopes. It is fun to share conversations as we fold the bullitens and fill the pews. I feel useful, wanted and loved in all of this.
My week is now filling out more and more. I tried the food bank...that wasn't my niche. I am starting to help at the thrift store which helps the abused find refuge...that is close to my heart so I think I will have a good fit. For me now, I am gone three mornings a week helping with various things. I like the interaction and the fellowship.
As I start this, I find myself being able to fit in a few chores before I leave and when I come home. This is a habit I had as a working woman and fits easier than trying to do housework all day every day. The more I accomplish, the more I am able to do and it feels ever so wonderful to me.
I am loving mine and Junior dates as well. I love dolling myself up for him. I love walking on his arm and being his special woman. It feels so good even at my age to be that special woman. I love when Junior comes to get me and says "look at what I've done." I love seeing his projects as they progress. I wish he'd work faster at times but I also know that when Junior finishes a project it will be done and done well. This is what I tell myself as I wait anxiously for his work to look finished.
In another life, the guy did all kinds of handy things. He did not ever finish a project all the way though. The front room was done and the window molding was left down for years. So I learn to trust Junior will finish and finish the project well. It will be all the way done. He is slow, that is ok.
Junior is the kind of guy who thinks outside of the box. This is a huge challange for me. I am definetly the type to work inside the box. The lines feel safe and secure so when he is operating outside the box.....I struggle.
In the spring my friend M came down for a visit. I took her to the far drive way. Then I backed out and backed into a ditch. The Explorer front end was in the air. M was frantic. The men in her life were like the ones in my life prior to Junior. Not only would heads roll....some hide might be missing...it wasn't pretty for sure. I realized as we went through the process how safe I felt with Junior. He grabbed the camera, came over took a picture, then hooked the Explorer up to his truck and towed it out of the ditch. A few months later, I tried to move out of the way of a wide load...a trailer that was being moved. I ended up in a ditch and hit the culvert. I called Junior, he came, changed the tire and even gave me a kiss.
Junior seems to understand we do stupid things and yelling at me is not needed. He has done them and won't even berate himself. He just gets to the job of fixing the problem and when it is fixed....we move on. As M was fussing and telling Junior to be patient with me, I began to realize that I've changed through the years. I just sat there waiting for Junior. I wasn't talking to myself telling myself all kinds of negative things. I wasn't fretting about being yelled at or anything else. I waited, he fixed the problem and then we went on to have an enjoyable time. In the past, that sort of thing could have derailed me/us- in my previous life for days, weeks even. The tension in the air would be awful.
Junior even cares to be handsome for me. He may dress shabby at home but when we go out in public, he is always put togeather. I appreciate that so much. I didn't like his whitewalls around his ears. This one took several comments but when he got my dislike, he quit shaving these huge white areas around his ears.
He is also clean, I appreciate that too. He doesn't stink, ever. If he has been into something smelly, he will take a shower right away. He is clean shaven, another thing I appreciate. His hair is very oily. He can wash it in the morning and at night it will be a mess. He has taken to having his hair in a brush cut which does not show the oil. I appreciate that too.
He does those little things and to me it says "I love you and respect you." For a long time I felt like I was a trophy wife. I had to be perfect and look perfect and when I wasn't....I felt the sting of rejection and anger. Junior looks at me all the time like he can't believe what he has been given. He treats me like I'm beautiful and I love it.
As I end this I'd like to ask....what little things do you do for your husband? Does he feel your love and respect?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, July 29, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
July 23, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
David and Goliath. That is always a story I love to ponder. I believe David was real, that he really slew Goliath and everything in the Bible is true. I believe the Holy Spirit gave divine inspiration to the writers.
Anyway, God was disappointed with Saul as a king. He did not follow God with all his heart. God had Samuel anoint David at the time still a young man, a child I'm not sure but he wasn't very old that I know. David did not become king until after Saul died in battle many years later. David's father sent him to his brothers who were in a battle with the Philistines. He sent food provisions for his sons. When David got there Goliath was challenging the Israelites to come slay him. If they slayed him then they would be free. The Israelites were afraid of Goliath. He was huge and strong. He would be hard to fight. This challenge went on for some time. He'd come out and taunt them. When David showed up he asked about this. He was young. He had a strong faith in God. He felt that God would be with him, with the Israelite army if they would trust in Him.
David was a shepherd. He stayed out with the flock all night. Sometimes wild animals tried to harm the sheep and David had to defend the sheep. He would fight bears and such. Mostly if I understand right he killed them with his sling. He had to fight with his hands as well. David felt God had helped him keep the sheep safe so he wondered why the Israelites were afraid of Goliath.
David volunteered to kill Goliath. Saul had David put on his armor. It was too big and bulky on David so he took it off, took his sling and put a stone in it. David killed Goliath with a stone from his sling. The stone hit Goliath in the forehead and it killed him immediately. A young boy killed a giant! That is pretty amazing to me. What faith David had!
Do I have that kind of faith? I try to and at times I know I don't. Recently as I struggled through another bout of depression though I found myself in prayer as I cried out to God I found answers on my heart. I felt tenderness. I felt a love so deep and wide and awesome. As I learn how to go to God for anything and everything I find I can face even the hardest challenges in life.
David wrote many of the Psalms and in them you can follow David’s many struggles and even his joys as he allows God to lead him. When David sinned with Bathsheba and Nathan pointed out his sin, David poured out his grief in his transgression to God. He asked God to forgive him. There was a price to pay for his transgression but God also blessed David. God told David that what was done in the dark would be brought to light. Still David trusted in God, admitted his sin and he lived a full life in the Lord.
I have walked away from a lifetime of abuse. It was hard. As I gave God my heart though, He led me. I do have my struggles with the past haunting me and again if I take them to God He again guides me as He did recently. I have walked away from a lifetime of a thought life that consumed me, lustful thoughts, anger, bitterness, hurt and the list goes on. I have walked away from a two faced life. I'm nice in public and not so nice at home. God has opened my eyes to the changes I need to make. As I allow God to open my eyes and then begin to implement the changes I find God guides me into how to handle those changes. He shows me what I need to do to let go.
These struggles are the Goliath's in my life. They consumed me they in away slew me. When I can be like David and put my trust in God, I find myself moving in directions that are amazing. As I ask God where and what He wants me to do I find myself doing things I never thought possible. I have written a book, I write this blog....me a nobody. As I feel the rejection of family, God brings precious people into my life. Sometimes these new friends are people I reach out to in a ministering way. Sometimes it is hooking up with someone I knew on a surface level and then going deeper with them like P who I knew in Michigan and out here she has become a precious wonderful friend. She shares her Dad with Junior and I and we get Dad moments out of him as we learn to love him. It is precious.
As I end this I'd like ask what are the Goliath's in your life. Have you thought about bringing your struggles to the cross? One of the most wonderful gifts Junior gave me many years ago was he made a very large wooden cross. He hung it on the wall in our basement and put a small shelf next to it with a small hammer and nails. As I struggled, I wrote the struggle on a piece of paper and nailed it to the cross. When I tried to "help" God by reworking the struggle in my mind, God reminded me that I nailed that struggle to the cross. As I learned to leave the struggle there, I found forward movement and peace. Won't you consider a journey of faith with Jesus? Do you know how? Ask and you shall receive.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
David and Goliath. That is always a story I love to ponder. I believe David was real, that he really slew Goliath and everything in the Bible is true. I believe the Holy Spirit gave divine inspiration to the writers.
Anyway, God was disappointed with Saul as a king. He did not follow God with all his heart. God had Samuel anoint David at the time still a young man, a child I'm not sure but he wasn't very old that I know. David did not become king until after Saul died in battle many years later. David's father sent him to his brothers who were in a battle with the Philistines. He sent food provisions for his sons. When David got there Goliath was challenging the Israelites to come slay him. If they slayed him then they would be free. The Israelites were afraid of Goliath. He was huge and strong. He would be hard to fight. This challenge went on for some time. He'd come out and taunt them. When David showed up he asked about this. He was young. He had a strong faith in God. He felt that God would be with him, with the Israelite army if they would trust in Him.
David was a shepherd. He stayed out with the flock all night. Sometimes wild animals tried to harm the sheep and David had to defend the sheep. He would fight bears and such. Mostly if I understand right he killed them with his sling. He had to fight with his hands as well. David felt God had helped him keep the sheep safe so he wondered why the Israelites were afraid of Goliath.
David volunteered to kill Goliath. Saul had David put on his armor. It was too big and bulky on David so he took it off, took his sling and put a stone in it. David killed Goliath with a stone from his sling. The stone hit Goliath in the forehead and it killed him immediately. A young boy killed a giant! That is pretty amazing to me. What faith David had!
Do I have that kind of faith? I try to and at times I know I don't. Recently as I struggled through another bout of depression though I found myself in prayer as I cried out to God I found answers on my heart. I felt tenderness. I felt a love so deep and wide and awesome. As I learn how to go to God for anything and everything I find I can face even the hardest challenges in life.
David wrote many of the Psalms and in them you can follow David’s many struggles and even his joys as he allows God to lead him. When David sinned with Bathsheba and Nathan pointed out his sin, David poured out his grief in his transgression to God. He asked God to forgive him. There was a price to pay for his transgression but God also blessed David. God told David that what was done in the dark would be brought to light. Still David trusted in God, admitted his sin and he lived a full life in the Lord.
I have walked away from a lifetime of abuse. It was hard. As I gave God my heart though, He led me. I do have my struggles with the past haunting me and again if I take them to God He again guides me as He did recently. I have walked away from a lifetime of a thought life that consumed me, lustful thoughts, anger, bitterness, hurt and the list goes on. I have walked away from a two faced life. I'm nice in public and not so nice at home. God has opened my eyes to the changes I need to make. As I allow God to open my eyes and then begin to implement the changes I find God guides me into how to handle those changes. He shows me what I need to do to let go.
These struggles are the Goliath's in my life. They consumed me they in away slew me. When I can be like David and put my trust in God, I find myself moving in directions that are amazing. As I ask God where and what He wants me to do I find myself doing things I never thought possible. I have written a book, I write this blog....me a nobody. As I feel the rejection of family, God brings precious people into my life. Sometimes these new friends are people I reach out to in a ministering way. Sometimes it is hooking up with someone I knew on a surface level and then going deeper with them like P who I knew in Michigan and out here she has become a precious wonderful friend. She shares her Dad with Junior and I and we get Dad moments out of him as we learn to love him. It is precious.
As I end this I'd like ask what are the Goliath's in your life. Have you thought about bringing your struggles to the cross? One of the most wonderful gifts Junior gave me many years ago was he made a very large wooden cross. He hung it on the wall in our basement and put a small shelf next to it with a small hammer and nails. As I struggled, I wrote the struggle on a piece of paper and nailed it to the cross. When I tried to "help" God by reworking the struggle in my mind, God reminded me that I nailed that struggle to the cross. As I learned to leave the struggle there, I found forward movement and peace. Won't you consider a journey of faith with Jesus? Do you know how? Ask and you shall receive.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, July 15, 2011
July 16, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
King David saw Bathsheba bathing on a roof top. He asked who she was and then had her brought to him. King David loved God and followed God with all his heart. He saw this woman and his fleshly side took over. He slept with her. When she found out she was pregnant, she sent word to King David. Her husband was in the military and away at the time. King David had him sent home. He tried to get him to go to his wife. Uriah felt dis loyal to his comrades so he slept outside the house in front of the door. King David got him drunk in the hopes he would go to his wife. Uriah slept outside again. King David sent him back to the battle, sent a note to have him put up front in the line of fire and Uriah was killed.
After the period of mourning, David married Bathsheba. She gave birth to a son. God sent Nathan the prophet to King David. Nathan gave a word picture to King David about a poor man who had one lamb and it was like his own child. A rich man had company and he took the poor mans lamb and had it for dinner. King David was offeneded and thought the rich man should be punished. Then Nathan said the man is you. You took Uriaha's wife and had him killed.
I am reminded again that God knows EVERYTHING. He sees what is in your thoughts, in your heart. It is hard to be one way with God and when people are around be another. God knows.
Recently I had a thought come to me again. I mentioned it recently in a blog. "God knows what goes on behind closed doors." This thought keeps playing around in my thoughts.
One of my first prayers was "God teach me to be the same at home as I am in public." I found it hard to think dirty thoughts and then pretend I was a nice wholesome person. I found that if I swore like a salior at home and not in public I didn't feel right. God has been teaching me to be the same. If you see me at home now....I'll be pretty much the same as I am in public. Junior and I sometimes have our love talk which we won't share with others, love moments sooo there are some things we don't do publicly. Overall though....I try to be the same.
We heard a speaker one time and he talked about this. He talked about how when everyone went to bed, he sometimes turned on a racy film. Then his son got up one night and he realized that he should not do this at all, ever. That meant no girlie magazines, no internet peeks to porn sites and the like.
How many of us are all nicey nice and then go home and are about as mean as we can be with those we love? How about the things we let our eyes rest on....the chest of women in the store, the bulge in the man place. How about what we let our minds wander to. For years I thought that as long as I didn't really touch another man and dreamed about those touches I was being faithful. Now when I let my mind go there....I give the man Junior's face. I'm faithful to him even in my dream thought life.
When I begin to realize that God is in the bedroom, bathroom....anywhere, I begin to rethink my thoughts. Would I want God to know how I truly feel about someone I am not fond of? At that point now I begin to ask God to show me how to love that person. Actually learning that prayer God gave me has been powerful in my life. We all have people we aren't fond of, don't like etc. I ask God to teach me to love the unlovable. I have learned to have a peace about people. I have learned to truly love people that are annoying to no end. Sometimes we can enter into each other's lives and enjoy each other. Other times I have peace and make amends where I can. If it does not work out...I have peace.
My thought life was making me miserable for years. Now I am at peace more often than not. When I struggle I take my struggle to God and He comforts me and opens my mind to the changes I need to make. When I fall down....I ask for forgiveness and then God helps me move forward. Until I admit I have a problem it is hard to overcome it.
How is your thought life? How is your private Life? Is it time to be the same everywhere?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
King David saw Bathsheba bathing on a roof top. He asked who she was and then had her brought to him. King David loved God and followed God with all his heart. He saw this woman and his fleshly side took over. He slept with her. When she found out she was pregnant, she sent word to King David. Her husband was in the military and away at the time. King David had him sent home. He tried to get him to go to his wife. Uriah felt dis loyal to his comrades so he slept outside the house in front of the door. King David got him drunk in the hopes he would go to his wife. Uriah slept outside again. King David sent him back to the battle, sent a note to have him put up front in the line of fire and Uriah was killed.
After the period of mourning, David married Bathsheba. She gave birth to a son. God sent Nathan the prophet to King David. Nathan gave a word picture to King David about a poor man who had one lamb and it was like his own child. A rich man had company and he took the poor mans lamb and had it for dinner. King David was offeneded and thought the rich man should be punished. Then Nathan said the man is you. You took Uriaha's wife and had him killed.
I am reminded again that God knows EVERYTHING. He sees what is in your thoughts, in your heart. It is hard to be one way with God and when people are around be another. God knows.
Recently I had a thought come to me again. I mentioned it recently in a blog. "God knows what goes on behind closed doors." This thought keeps playing around in my thoughts.
One of my first prayers was "God teach me to be the same at home as I am in public." I found it hard to think dirty thoughts and then pretend I was a nice wholesome person. I found that if I swore like a salior at home and not in public I didn't feel right. God has been teaching me to be the same. If you see me at home now....I'll be pretty much the same as I am in public. Junior and I sometimes have our love talk which we won't share with others, love moments sooo there are some things we don't do publicly. Overall though....I try to be the same.
We heard a speaker one time and he talked about this. He talked about how when everyone went to bed, he sometimes turned on a racy film. Then his son got up one night and he realized that he should not do this at all, ever. That meant no girlie magazines, no internet peeks to porn sites and the like.
How many of us are all nicey nice and then go home and are about as mean as we can be with those we love? How about the things we let our eyes rest on....the chest of women in the store, the bulge in the man place. How about what we let our minds wander to. For years I thought that as long as I didn't really touch another man and dreamed about those touches I was being faithful. Now when I let my mind go there....I give the man Junior's face. I'm faithful to him even in my dream thought life.
When I begin to realize that God is in the bedroom, bathroom....anywhere, I begin to rethink my thoughts. Would I want God to know how I truly feel about someone I am not fond of? At that point now I begin to ask God to show me how to love that person. Actually learning that prayer God gave me has been powerful in my life. We all have people we aren't fond of, don't like etc. I ask God to teach me to love the unlovable. I have learned to have a peace about people. I have learned to truly love people that are annoying to no end. Sometimes we can enter into each other's lives and enjoy each other. Other times I have peace and make amends where I can. If it does not work out...I have peace.
My thought life was making me miserable for years. Now I am at peace more often than not. When I struggle I take my struggle to God and He comforts me and opens my mind to the changes I need to make. When I fall down....I ask for forgiveness and then God helps me move forward. Until I admit I have a problem it is hard to overcome it.
How is your thought life? How is your private Life? Is it time to be the same everywhere?
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, July 8, 2011
July 9, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
I have been struggling yet again. Part of my struggle is my past. I also am working on forgiving again. Sometimes we seem to forgive only to find another layer of forgiveness to work through. My counselor's teaching comes back to me again as well. He taught me that deep wounds heal from the inside to the outside. That teaching has helped so much as I try to make sense of life.
My past seems to have come roaring back and I am processing the junk once more. It would be nice if the past would stay there, in the past. For me it doesn't. I have people in my life who close doors and then they move on. The junk that went on in the past for me refuses to stay behind that shut door.
I have moved 10 hours away from my past. That doesn't seem to give me the distance either. I have people angry at me for a decision someone else made. I had nothing to do with this decision but.... Family events occur, people are invited and others are left out. My 40th class reunion is this year and I must decide whether someone may show up and I must deal with the potiential mine field that could be. So my brain is processing and processing. I want to yell "leave me alone!" I want to hole up in my house. Another points out that the reason I am not wanted is because I push people away. They have decided that I am the culprit.
I must forgive. I must forgive. I want to but my heart is screaming and in pain. I am in prayer a whole lot. God comforts me yet again and I begin to wade through the various struggles. My doctor's words come back again and again. People who have gone through abuse have their past coming back over and over. She is so right. All I want to do is live my new life. No I have to decide if he will be there, will want to follow me around telling me all kinds of things I have no need to know anymore.
I write a letter, one that won't ever be mailed. I write another one. I pray and pray. I know God is hearing me. I go for a drive and I take Puppup. She comforts me. Alex climbs up in my lap as I type. The puppies come over and play on me. J calls me and we run to the store. Those to me are God moments. He is hearing the tears in my heart.
As I learned to state my anger out loud about my Dad, I began to let go of what happened to me. As the years went by I found something else crop up and I had to work through the struggle yet again. As the years have gone on those old struggles have left my heart and I am able to love my Dad even though it was rough being his daughter.
As I entered marriage with Junior he taught me that I need to pray for my ex. It was hard to do. In praying though my heart has softened and I no longer hate him, I’m not angry at the things that happened. My struggle now is how to be in the same room, to say “hi” and then move on. I truly don’t want to be mean and I am truly not angry. My anger comes when I am followed around and talked to and chatted at. I want to say “hi” and then move on. I don’t want to talk about all the people we know in common. I feel my children can relay what I truly need to know. They are adults and I only want information such as if an Uncle dies, a wedding etc.
Soooo recently I’ve had moments. There are pictures on FB of him with certain people. My heart is ripped open because I felt I should be in the picture, not him. I know they have the right to invite whomever they want but….. I have anger rolling through my brain. I have conversations in my head and he winds up taking up too much head space.
My counselor instructed me to leave him at her office. She pulled out a toy snake and we named it his name. I ponder it when I begin to think. Then there is an event I’d like to go to, I need to weigh the consequences in my mind so he occupies more space…..I make my decision. As I settle on this last decision, I find him leaving.
I wrote on FB “go away, leave me alone.” I need a public announcement without naming names. It was a way to invite him to leave my thoughts. The next day on FB I write for rent head space….. So I am attempting to relegate him to the basement in my brain.
I don’t hate him, that’s the weird thing. I don’t want to be his best friend either. I just want to live in my new life and go forward. So I see that once more I need to ask God to forgive me. I need to ask God how to continue to let go.
Somewhere in all of this I sense God is telling me that it is ok if I put on a stone face and answer in “yes or no’s” I may be seen as uncaring, not kind, but it is what I need to do to preserve me. God seems to remind me once more that He knows what went on behind closed doors. He reminds me that I don’t have to keep proving myself to people who are watching. I am trying to please God, not him. So I continue to love God, let Him direct me and….I truly don’t want to make God look bad. God also teaches me that sometimes people chose not to see Him and there isn’t a thing I can do about it.
I guess the lesson for me as I work through this layer of forgiveness is that sometimes people will want the see the bad in me AND there isn’t much I can do to change their mind. So I ask God then I go and be what I am hearing Him direct me to do.
As I end….I’d like to ask….are you working on forgiving or just expecting people to forgive you only?
May God bless and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I have been struggling yet again. Part of my struggle is my past. I also am working on forgiving again. Sometimes we seem to forgive only to find another layer of forgiveness to work through. My counselor's teaching comes back to me again as well. He taught me that deep wounds heal from the inside to the outside. That teaching has helped so much as I try to make sense of life.
My past seems to have come roaring back and I am processing the junk once more. It would be nice if the past would stay there, in the past. For me it doesn't. I have people in my life who close doors and then they move on. The junk that went on in the past for me refuses to stay behind that shut door.
I have moved 10 hours away from my past. That doesn't seem to give me the distance either. I have people angry at me for a decision someone else made. I had nothing to do with this decision but.... Family events occur, people are invited and others are left out. My 40th class reunion is this year and I must decide whether someone may show up and I must deal with the potiential mine field that could be. So my brain is processing and processing. I want to yell "leave me alone!" I want to hole up in my house. Another points out that the reason I am not wanted is because I push people away. They have decided that I am the culprit.
I must forgive. I must forgive. I want to but my heart is screaming and in pain. I am in prayer a whole lot. God comforts me yet again and I begin to wade through the various struggles. My doctor's words come back again and again. People who have gone through abuse have their past coming back over and over. She is so right. All I want to do is live my new life. No I have to decide if he will be there, will want to follow me around telling me all kinds of things I have no need to know anymore.
I write a letter, one that won't ever be mailed. I write another one. I pray and pray. I know God is hearing me. I go for a drive and I take Puppup. She comforts me. Alex climbs up in my lap as I type. The puppies come over and play on me. J calls me and we run to the store. Those to me are God moments. He is hearing the tears in my heart.
As I learned to state my anger out loud about my Dad, I began to let go of what happened to me. As the years went by I found something else crop up and I had to work through the struggle yet again. As the years have gone on those old struggles have left my heart and I am able to love my Dad even though it was rough being his daughter.
As I entered marriage with Junior he taught me that I need to pray for my ex. It was hard to do. In praying though my heart has softened and I no longer hate him, I’m not angry at the things that happened. My struggle now is how to be in the same room, to say “hi” and then move on. I truly don’t want to be mean and I am truly not angry. My anger comes when I am followed around and talked to and chatted at. I want to say “hi” and then move on. I don’t want to talk about all the people we know in common. I feel my children can relay what I truly need to know. They are adults and I only want information such as if an Uncle dies, a wedding etc.
Soooo recently I’ve had moments. There are pictures on FB of him with certain people. My heart is ripped open because I felt I should be in the picture, not him. I know they have the right to invite whomever they want but….. I have anger rolling through my brain. I have conversations in my head and he winds up taking up too much head space.
My counselor instructed me to leave him at her office. She pulled out a toy snake and we named it his name. I ponder it when I begin to think. Then there is an event I’d like to go to, I need to weigh the consequences in my mind so he occupies more space…..I make my decision. As I settle on this last decision, I find him leaving.
I wrote on FB “go away, leave me alone.” I need a public announcement without naming names. It was a way to invite him to leave my thoughts. The next day on FB I write for rent head space….. So I am attempting to relegate him to the basement in my brain.
I don’t hate him, that’s the weird thing. I don’t want to be his best friend either. I just want to live in my new life and go forward. So I see that once more I need to ask God to forgive me. I need to ask God how to continue to let go.
Somewhere in all of this I sense God is telling me that it is ok if I put on a stone face and answer in “yes or no’s” I may be seen as uncaring, not kind, but it is what I need to do to preserve me. God seems to remind me once more that He knows what went on behind closed doors. He reminds me that I don’t have to keep proving myself to people who are watching. I am trying to please God, not him. So I continue to love God, let Him direct me and….I truly don’t want to make God look bad. God also teaches me that sometimes people chose not to see Him and there isn’t a thing I can do about it.
I guess the lesson for me as I work through this layer of forgiveness is that sometimes people will want the see the bad in me AND there isn’t much I can do to change their mind. So I ask God then I go and be what I am hearing Him direct me to do.
As I end….I’d like to ask….are you working on forgiving or just expecting people to forgive you only?
May God bless and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Friday, July 1, 2011
July 2, 2011
Greetings My Friend,
I have a heart for the poor. I also struggle with giving to the poor. In my lifetime I have had people who were real poor who were close to me. There tends to be an attitude that I have and they should get.
I have seen where giving can harm people. I have people who are close to me that have been given and given and given to. They never seem to come out of their poorness and think that it is my job to hand over when ever a need/want arises. If I don't give....they tend to walk out of my life. They find a lot of fault with me.
I was reading the Bible in the Old Testament when the laws were being given to the Jewish people. I keep coming back to this and pondering it. The farmers were instructed to go through their crops once and then what remained was for the poor to come and glean. The poor had to harvest for themselves. I see in the book of Ruth that is what Ruth did. Ruth and her mother-in-law were both widows. They moved back to Israel and Ruth would go glean the crops of Boaz. Ruth was foreign born her mother in law was not. Ruth got up and gleaned the crops of Boaz. He eventually married Ruth.
As I think on this I read in the Bible in context of Jewish culture that the lame tended to have to work as well. They are out begging. I have often marveled to watch the homeless on the streets. They stand on a corner, offer to wash windshields at a traffic light, look for bottles to return etc. They work hard at sustaining themselves even if they live on the streets. So the lame in the Jewish culture in the Bible had their work cut out for them. I'm not advocating that the lame should have to beg for money. In Dad's and Mom's case when Dad had polio, Mom went to work and we lived off of a woman's salary which wasn't much in those days. The church helped us. Mom and Dad were grateful and when they were able to they started giving back. It was important to them.
God also wants us to be cheerful givers. He wants us to give because we want to give. For me, giving has been a huge blessing and I give because I want to. So if I don't want to give....well, it is my choice to some extent. God doesn't want me to give out of compulsion but out of love. I/we give to the church, to different organizations. We have also helped people in need. Many times though we don't give money. Sometimes we give clothes, furniture we were going to get rid of, dishes etc.
I remember money being very tight when my kids were small. So I learned to give of my time and talent. That was a huge blessing. As I gave of my time and talent I learned I was capable of many things. I gained more confidence in myself. I was a youth advisor and giving to those youth was a huge blessing. Mission trips also taught me many skills and I have helped people and people have taught me so much, those I was giving to. It is amazing.
Our church family here in VA has some senior adults who are on their own and are struggling to care for themselves. The church is coming togeather and helping these seniors out so they can stay in their home. That to me is amazing and wonderful and......WOW! I always see the church help with food when someone is very ill, maybe even shovel walks, fix windows etc. Our Minister is asking for us to come togeather as a church family to step beside these people who are in great need. That may mean going over and helping clean, care for them if they are unable to do for themselves along with bringing food, shoveling the walks etc.
As I settle in I am finding my niche. That to me feels wonderful. I remember when I retired I wanted to find my niche, to help, to serve. When I first retired I helped the Muslim women. I watched their children as their mothers learned English as a second language. I was hoping that Junior and I could do short term mission work...doesn't look like we will be doing that anytime soon. I struggle with the heat and have gotten very sick. Junior has the house to work on and it will be a few years till it is completed, so mission work is not on the agenda right now anyway.
I have started helping at the thrift store where the proceeds help the abused. I also have tried to reach out to my community and love the people within the community. Sometimes I give a ride, a friendship. That's another thing I've learned. Giving doesn't always have to be associated within a church. It is also giving of my time and talent to my community. It does not always have to be an organized church related program.
God wants us to give He challenges us to give. As I have learned to give, I find joy in it. I have been blessed. To be honest my giving is between me and God and if my heart is right then God knows my intentions.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
Greetings My Friend,
I have a heart for the poor. I also struggle with giving to the poor. In my lifetime I have had people who were real poor who were close to me. There tends to be an attitude that I have and they should get.
I have seen where giving can harm people. I have people who are close to me that have been given and given and given to. They never seem to come out of their poorness and think that it is my job to hand over when ever a need/want arises. If I don't give....they tend to walk out of my life. They find a lot of fault with me.
I was reading the Bible in the Old Testament when the laws were being given to the Jewish people. I keep coming back to this and pondering it. The farmers were instructed to go through their crops once and then what remained was for the poor to come and glean. The poor had to harvest for themselves. I see in the book of Ruth that is what Ruth did. Ruth and her mother-in-law were both widows. They moved back to Israel and Ruth would go glean the crops of Boaz. Ruth was foreign born her mother in law was not. Ruth got up and gleaned the crops of Boaz. He eventually married Ruth.
As I think on this I read in the Bible in context of Jewish culture that the lame tended to have to work as well. They are out begging. I have often marveled to watch the homeless on the streets. They stand on a corner, offer to wash windshields at a traffic light, look for bottles to return etc. They work hard at sustaining themselves even if they live on the streets. So the lame in the Jewish culture in the Bible had their work cut out for them. I'm not advocating that the lame should have to beg for money. In Dad's and Mom's case when Dad had polio, Mom went to work and we lived off of a woman's salary which wasn't much in those days. The church helped us. Mom and Dad were grateful and when they were able to they started giving back. It was important to them.
God also wants us to be cheerful givers. He wants us to give because we want to give. For me, giving has been a huge blessing and I give because I want to. So if I don't want to give....well, it is my choice to some extent. God doesn't want me to give out of compulsion but out of love. I/we give to the church, to different organizations. We have also helped people in need. Many times though we don't give money. Sometimes we give clothes, furniture we were going to get rid of, dishes etc.
I remember money being very tight when my kids were small. So I learned to give of my time and talent. That was a huge blessing. As I gave of my time and talent I learned I was capable of many things. I gained more confidence in myself. I was a youth advisor and giving to those youth was a huge blessing. Mission trips also taught me many skills and I have helped people and people have taught me so much, those I was giving to. It is amazing.
Our church family here in VA has some senior adults who are on their own and are struggling to care for themselves. The church is coming togeather and helping these seniors out so they can stay in their home. That to me is amazing and wonderful and......WOW! I always see the church help with food when someone is very ill, maybe even shovel walks, fix windows etc. Our Minister is asking for us to come togeather as a church family to step beside these people who are in great need. That may mean going over and helping clean, care for them if they are unable to do for themselves along with bringing food, shoveling the walks etc.
As I settle in I am finding my niche. That to me feels wonderful. I remember when I retired I wanted to find my niche, to help, to serve. When I first retired I helped the Muslim women. I watched their children as their mothers learned English as a second language. I was hoping that Junior and I could do short term mission work...doesn't look like we will be doing that anytime soon. I struggle with the heat and have gotten very sick. Junior has the house to work on and it will be a few years till it is completed, so mission work is not on the agenda right now anyway.
I have started helping at the thrift store where the proceeds help the abused. I also have tried to reach out to my community and love the people within the community. Sometimes I give a ride, a friendship. That's another thing I've learned. Giving doesn't always have to be associated within a church. It is also giving of my time and talent to my community. It does not always have to be an organized church related program.
God wants us to give He challenges us to give. As I have learned to give, I find joy in it. I have been blessed. To be honest my giving is between me and God and if my heart is right then God knows my intentions.
May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.
Love
Janet
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