July 9, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

I have been struggling yet again. Part of my struggle is my past. I also am working on forgiving again. Sometimes we seem to forgive only to find another layer of forgiveness to work through. My counselor's teaching comes back to me again as well. He taught me that deep wounds heal from the inside to the outside. That teaching has helped so much as I try to make sense of life.

My past seems to have come roaring back and I am processing the junk once more. It would be nice if the past would stay there, in the past. For me it doesn't. I have people in my life who close doors and then they move on. The junk that went on in the past for me refuses to stay behind that shut door.

I have moved 10 hours away from my past. That doesn't seem to give me the distance either. I have people angry at me for a decision someone else made. I had nothing to do with this decision but.... Family events occur, people are invited and others are left out. My 40th class reunion is this year and I must decide whether someone may show up and I must deal with the potiential mine field that could be. So my brain is processing and processing. I want to yell "leave me alone!" I want to hole up in my house. Another points out that the reason I am not wanted is because I push people away. They have decided that I am the culprit.

I must forgive. I must forgive. I want to but my heart is screaming and in pain. I am in prayer a whole lot. God comforts me yet again and I begin to wade through the various struggles. My doctor's words come back again and again. People who have gone through abuse have their past coming back over and over. She is so right. All I want to do is live my new life. No I have to decide if he will be there, will want to follow me around telling me all kinds of things I have no need to know anymore.

I write a letter, one that won't ever be mailed. I write another one. I pray and pray. I know God is hearing me. I go for a drive and I take Puppup. She comforts me. Alex climbs up in my lap as I type. The puppies come over and play on me. J calls me and we run to the store. Those to me are God moments. He is hearing the tears in my heart.

As I learned to state my anger out loud about my Dad, I began to let go of what happened to me. As the years went by I found something else crop up and I had to work through the struggle yet again. As the years have gone on those old struggles have left my heart and I am able to love my Dad even though it was rough being his daughter.

As I entered marriage with Junior he taught me that I need to pray for my ex. It was hard to do. In praying though my heart has softened and I no longer hate him, I’m not angry at the things that happened. My struggle now is how to be in the same room, to say “hi” and then move on. I truly don’t want to be mean and I am truly not angry. My anger comes when I am followed around and talked to and chatted at. I want to say “hi” and then move on. I don’t want to talk about all the people we know in common. I feel my children can relay what I truly need to know. They are adults and I only want information such as if an Uncle dies, a wedding etc.

Soooo recently I’ve had moments. There are pictures on FB of him with certain people. My heart is ripped open because I felt I should be in the picture, not him. I know they have the right to invite whomever they want but….. I have anger rolling through my brain. I have conversations in my head and he winds up taking up too much head space.

My counselor instructed me to leave him at her office. She pulled out a toy snake and we named it his name. I ponder it when I begin to think. Then there is an event I’d like to go to, I need to weigh the consequences in my mind so he occupies more space…..I make my decision. As I settle on this last decision, I find him leaving.

I wrote on FB “go away, leave me alone.” I need a public announcement without naming names. It was a way to invite him to leave my thoughts. The next day on FB I write for rent head space….. So I am attempting to relegate him to the basement in my brain.

I don’t hate him, that’s the weird thing. I don’t want to be his best friend either. I just want to live in my new life and go forward. So I see that once more I need to ask God to forgive me. I need to ask God how to continue to let go.

Somewhere in all of this I sense God is telling me that it is ok if I put on a stone face and answer in “yes or no’s” I may be seen as uncaring, not kind, but it is what I need to do to preserve me. God seems to remind me once more that He knows what went on behind closed doors. He reminds me that I don’t have to keep proving myself to people who are watching. I am trying to please God, not him. So I continue to love God, let Him direct me and….I truly don’t want to make God look bad. God also teaches me that sometimes people chose not to see Him and there isn’t a thing I can do about it.

I guess the lesson for me as I work through this layer of forgiveness is that sometimes people will want the see the bad in me AND there isn’t much I can do to change their mind. So I ask God then I go and be what I am hearing Him direct me to do.

As I end….I’d like to ask….are you working on forgiving or just expecting people to forgive you only?

May God bless and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet