February 26, 2011

Greetings My Friend,

As I write, I am going through a grieving process. My brother has just passed and of course with that memories seem to flood my mind. As I was talking with someone on the phone, she mentioned that she sees that I am deeply hurt. She sees a need to please at any cost. She reads my blog frequently and commented that I talk about Agape love quite a bit. She felt that I needed to give myself Agape love as well. I felt myself bristling. I heard the comments roll through my brain again, “Janet, it’s not about you” type of comments.

Agape love is seeking another’s highest good. If I am seeking another’s highest good, then should I not seek my highest good? It’s not seeking my way at any cost. Over and over as I have gone through counseling I have learned that in order to help others first you must take care of yourself. That is part of my dysfunction. I want to give until I can’t give anymore and then attempt to give more.

The memory I have is one of when I was a young girl. Dad had gone down into the basement to do laundry. I went down there to hang out and talk to him. As he was loading laundry into the washing machine, he looked at me and said, “Janet, I give up on you.” I had done something wrong and he was put out with me. In my head at the time and for years afterward I remember thinking, “No don’t give up on me, I’m here Daddy, don’t give up on me. I won’t do it again.”

My brother and sister often called me “Goody two shoes.” I think I tried to be good, to figure out what “good” was so no one would give up on me ever again. I also remember trying to figure out the right formula for life. I thought I’d be able to figure that out and then life would be ok.

I felt if I loved enough, then I would be loved back, automatically. I began in earnest trying to let go of my temper. I tried to find the perfect way to blend in and not be harsh. I began a long journey of people pleasing ways. These people pleasing ways found me enmeshed in abuse. I tended to think I was worth nothing and making everyone happy was the only way to live. As the years went on, I hated loud words, heated arguments, somehow I was going to lose and I had lost who I was in all of that. I entered into counseling a very hurting woman. As I began to assert myself, I found some relief from the pain in my life. I’d go for a while, stop and then I was back in counseling.

Agape love comes back to me, so what does that look like? How do I give it to myself? The last thing I want to do is be harsh, mean or self centered etc. I want to love, I really do. So I am beginning a new journey to include self Agape love. I am in prayer a whole lot with this.

I start by looking at how God loves me. “For God sent His only Son, that whoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” God loves me. That is a marvel to me. I’ve had plenty of people tell me that I am annoying and irritating. God accepts me, and that seems strange. I don’t have to jump through hoops to be loved by God. I do need to listen though and it can be difficult at times. God doesn’t forgive us and we go on our merry way. We need to open our hearts to Him and allow Him to change us. These changes can be difficult, but worth the effort. In Jesus, I have found peace and as I have begun my journey to change, I find wholeness, a peace.

I think again, a faith journey is not a destination but a journey. That means some days I “get it” and some days I need to figure it out again. Sometimes I fall down. God isn’t giving up on me just because I fell down. He is holding me and I can start over again. Some people will never give their heart to God. As they go along in their addiction, or their dysfunction they will find their struggles overtaking them. If you won’t let God in, eventually He will harden your heart. So, I never ever want to go back to “those years.” I want God in my life and I never want to go back to what once was.

“But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Against such things there is no law.” Scripture teaches me how to be loved and how to love others. “For God first loved us.” These passages help me in my journey. Jesus also went to the Temple and threw out the money changers, people who were gouging the people. He told to Pharisees and Sadducees bluntly that they were not of God but were harming His people. I learn there is a balance and I learn how to balance my life.

As I soak up scripture, I pray and I am in a journey, I find I can love as I am loved by God. I am also not a doormat for people to wipe their feet on. Sometimes I do have to say “stop, don’t, I don’t want to.” If people have a problem with that, then it is not for me to own, but their problem.

May God bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you.

Love
Janet